#6

"Spider Webs of Deceit"
by Dallas Lee

“You are human food!”

Condor Nail looked out the bars of the steel cage. He saw the squat fat man as he bounced around the cave, waving his arms in the air. Beside him, the two fat spiders awaited their next command.

In the next cage over, the bodies of Artie and Alice Mesburger, along with their tourist guide Chin, were hanging upside. They had been suffocated in the mighty webs that the spiders could spin.

“What are you doing this for, man?” asked Condor. His muscles bulged and strained as he pulled at the steel bars.

“First, let me introduce myself. My name is Edward the Great.” He chuckled and wiped spittle from his fat lips. “And these are my two pets.”

“That’s great,” said Condor. “Now answer my question. What are you doing this for?”

“I really don’t think you’re in a situation to be asking questions,” said Edward. “But seeing as we have nothing but the eternity of time, I will answer you.” He put his hands behind his back and began to stalk around the cave. He was dressed in nothing but a dirty loincloth. His fat bounced around in sweaty rolls.

“I was once a ‘normal’ human like you,” said Edward, “before I met my two babies. I had a life, a girlfriend, the whole nine yards. But that was before she betrayed me.”

“That sucks about your love life, man,” said Condor, “but that doesn’t explain anything.”

“I’m getting to it!” blurted Edward. He sighed. His man-tits shook. “She cheated on me. And I killed her with one of the spiders that I kept as pets. I slipped it into her bed. I also killed her lover, the bastard, the same way. But I was scared. So I took refuge in the swamps.”

He reached out and petted one of the large black widows. Her scarlet hour-glass gleamed in the shadows of the torches that hung on the cave walls.

“And that’s when I met my babies,” said Edward. “I came to this cave and discovered them. They fed me apples and fruits from the swamps, and in return I allowed them feast on human flesh.” Edward smiled. “That’s what you and your friends are for, you see.”

“You’re insane, dude,” said Condor.

“Yes,” said Edward. “Yes, I am. But that’s a moot point.” He rubbed at the stubble on his chin. “For years I’ve allowed them to eat vagrants that we’ve found in the swamp. So you should be proud. You are the first that I’m going to allow them to eat that are healthy.” He closed one eye as he studied Condor’s physique. “And so strong, muscular, and head smart.

“So what are your plans?” asked Condor. “You plan to just hang out here in the swamp with these spiders and live a happy life?”

“That’s part of it,” said Edward. “But we’re planning to exterminate the human race. We’ll kill every bastard that ever turned their back on me. Do you know there was no such party to find my body? Nobody cared.” He reached out and touched another spider. He lovingly soothed it. “But my babies do. They love me.”

Condor feigned a smile. He rattled the cage door. “At least give me a fighting chance.”

“Oh, you can struggle all you want. It won’t do any good.”

Condor watched as Edward unlocked the next cage. One of the spiders trundled in, climbing the web that encased Artie Mesburger. Slowly, it began to suck the blood out of the corpse.

Condor stumbled back from the mouth of his cage. He put his hands over his eyes and screamed: “THIS IS A MADHOUSE!”

Edward the Great chuckled.

“If we’re going to do this,” said Condor, “let’s get it on.”

“Your time will come,” said Edward. He watched as the other spider waddled into the cage. It began to feast on Chin. It made slurping sounds as its fangs dug into his skin. “I’m not sure if they’ll like eating you, though, Mr. Nail. They might be a bit rough.” Edward laughed so hard that his belly shook. The rolls of sweaty flesh bounced up-and-down. “You see, they’ve never had dark meat before.”

Michael Caine didn’t seem to give a shit.

“I’m sorry to hear of Johnny’s death,” he said. “He’d talked with me about suicide quite a few times. But he never appeared to be one who’d go that far.”

“I didn’t believe it, either,” said Barbara. She fought back the urge to cry. She’d cried so many times before in the past few days that she was surprised that she’d have any tears left. “Funeral services will be tomorrow. Would you like to come?”

“What time?”

“At two,” said Barbara.

“I’m sorry,” said Caine, “but I’ll have a patient then.” He sighed. “I will go to his grave to give my final respects, though.”

“That’s nice,” replied Barbara. She looked around at Caine’s office. It was loaded with different sized clocks. All of them ticked, as if counting down the time. “You’ll certainly never lose track of time.”

“Ah,” said Caine. “It’s one of the first things that new patients always remark about. I do love keeping time.”

“So I see.” Barbara clutched her purse. Slowly, she stood up from the leather-bound chair. “I guess I’d better leave,” she said. “It was nice to meet you.”

“The same,” replied Caine. “And, again, I’m sorry to hear of Johnny’s passing.”

Barbara nodded. She allowed Caine to show her out.

Inside the hallway, she sighed. And then she let the tears come. It was good therapy to cry. It got out the demons, or so they said.

She walked to the elevator and got inside. She pushed the button that would take her to the first floor.

Her thoughts were filled with images of Johnny. She so missed his smile, and his comedic manner. She could still recount his brand of goofy humor.

“A blind guy walked into a bar.” He’d been fond of that stupid joke. The elevator slowly came to a stop. Its doors opened.

Standing outside in the hallway was a lady. Her blond hair reached down to her shoulders. She was wearing dark sunglasses and a leather jacket. Her hands were covered in black gloves.

As she stepped inside the elevator, she waited for the doors to close before she attacked Barbara. In her gloved hands she had produced a straight razor. She chopped at Barbara with it, splitting open Barbara’s fair skin.

By the time the elevator came to its next stop, the lady had already slit Barbara’s throat. She lay there on the floor, gazing up at her attacker as her lifeblood gushed down over her blouse.

There was no one waiting at the next stop. The lady simply stepped off the elevator and disappeared.

Behind her, she left Barbara to die. Barbara futilely tried to push her blood back into her body, but her life simply faded away.

And there she lay on the elevator’s floor until it reached the bottom floor. As the doors opened, an old lady – another patient of Dr. Michael Caine – plastered her mouth with her hands in shock.

She couldn’t have been more right to scream bloody murder.

“Tefe,” said Swamp Thing. “You don’t need me. There’s nothing I can do for you that you can’t do yourself.”

“Are you saying that I still have my powers?”

“Of course,” said Swamp Thing. “They’re just buried deep within you. Sometimes, worry distracts them. Like you and your boyfriend. You need to let it go and rescue him.”

“So you don’t think I need the Parliament of Trees?” asked Tefe.

“That’s a very touchy situation,” replied Swamp Thing. “You know that we’re not very fond of one another.”

“I know,” said Tefe. “But Mom kind of suggested it.”

“Did she suggest you come and see me?”

“Yes.” Tefe kicked at the mossy bottom of the bayou. “I think she really misses you.”

“I miss her, too,” said Swamp Thing. He reminded himself of the thoughts that he’d recently had for her. “I love your mother.”

“She loves you, too,” Tefe told him. “I wish you two could reconcile.”

“Maybe one day,” he said. “But, for now, your mother appears frightened of me. It’s something that I can’t change.”

“I can do my best to help you,” said Tefe. “But you know what they say about horses and water.”

Swamp Thing walked over to a stump and sat down. He put his head in his hands.

“I get so lonely,” he said. “There are times when I think about simply reducing myself to a sprout. There are times when life becomes so overbearing for me.”

“I wish I could help you,” said Tefe. She walked over and took ahold of her father’s shoulders. “I know we haven’t always gotten along, but I love you, too, daddy.”

Swamp Thing hugged her. “I love you, too.”

Tefe broke the embrace and stood up. “I guess it’s time I get going,” she said.

“Where did you leave him?” asked Swamp Thing.

“On the gray planet,” she replied.

“The atmosphere there will sustain him,” he said. “As long as he hasn’t eaten the mushrooms, that is.”

Tefe laughed.

And that’s when Swamp Knucker appeared. The dragon perched itself on a mossy tree limb and stared down at them.

“Tefe,” it said, “there are rumors that you have searched for the Parliament of Trees.”

“Not anymore,” she said. “I’ve taken care of my own problems.”

“As it is,” replied Swamp Knucker. “But you are summoned to the Parliament. There are questions one needs to answer.”

“Leave her alone,” said Swamp Thing. “She doesn’t need you.”

“You stand down, Swamp Thing,” Swamp Knucker told him. “The Green isn’t very pleased with you, either. Though I don’t think it’s something you already don’t know.”

“I’ll come,” said Tefe. “I promise. But you have to let me do something first.”

Swamp Knucker bowed its head in response. Then, lifting itself into the air, flew off without muttering a single word.

“I wonder how they heard?” asked Tefe.

“The Parliament knows more about us than they’ll let on,” said Swamp Thing. “They’re a very dangerous mob. I’ll never forget them for attempting to make me destroy the world.” He sighed. “But they did give me you. And for that I’ll always be grateful.”

“They’ll want me to rule, again,” said Tefe. “I can feel it in my bones.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me.”

“They’ll never leave me alone.”

“It’s the price we must pay for being elementals,” said Swamp Thing. “We’ll never be free.”

Tefe turned back to her father. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he said.

Then she disappeared.

Again, Swamp Thing was left alone.

He put his head in his hands and silently began to cry…

“She has a fine ass,” said Pilate Voorhees. “Stop and pick her up.”

The driver of Pilate’s limousine slowly stopped beside Lilly. He got out and approached her.

“Excuse me, miss,” he said. “But you’ve been requested to get in the car.”

“Who are you?” asked Lilly. “What do you want?”

“Does the name Pilate Voorhees mean anything to you?”

Lilly stopped for a second. She put a fingernail in her mouth and nibbled it. The name did ring a bell. It was who Roy and Buck had been working for before they disappeared.

“Yes,” she said. “But what does he want me for?”

“Just get in the car, ma’am.”

She did as he asked. Sliding into the back of the limo, she faced Pilate. He leered at her, his buckteeth showing prominently in his wicked smile.

“I’m so glad you’ve chosen to join me,” he said. “I was afraid that you’d turn me down.”

“I had second thoughts,” agreed Lilly. “But I’m worried about Buck and Roy. Are they okay?”

“They’re just fine. Would you like to see them?”

“Yes,” replied Lilly.

“Good,” said Pilate. “We’re on the way to the Tiburon building, now.”

Minutes later, the limo was pulling into the building’s parking garage. The driver got out and opened both their doors.

“This way,” Pilate told Lilly.

He led her towards an elevator that took them down into the laboratory. As they stepped off, Lilly felt her throat tighten. She’d never seen things like what were on display.

“I’m keeping your dear friend ‘Buck’ on life-support,” said Pilate. “He’s recently been through an accident that nearly killed him.”

Lilly ran to the prone figure of Buck lying on a nearby table. Tubes were strung out from his body, dripping a slimy green gel into him. He didn’t recognize her as she flung herself across him, crying.

“Where’s Roy?” she blurted. “Where are you keeping him?”

“Right over here,” said Pilate. “Would you like to see him?”

He led her over to a nearby wall where something that resembled an ape was chained. The top of the ape’s head had been removed, and there was a glass dome overtop its exposed brain.

“This isn’t Roy,” Lilly cried out. “There’s no way in hell that that’s him!”

“Oh,” said Pilate. “I assure you it is.”

He crossed the lab to a nearby table. He picked up a hat and returned to the ape. He placed the cap which read NO BULLSHIT on top of the dome.

Lilly began to cry.

Pilate laughed. “Don’t you see the resemblance?”