“<For glory! For Blood! For Khundia!>*”

* (Translated from Khundish – Linguistic Mike)

The army of Khunds rained onto Gateway City, weapons at the ready. These trained killers were prepared for any and all takers…and a bonus into their paychecks for each metahuman hero’s head.

“<Destroy anyone you see! All must die to serve the greater glory of Khundia!>”, screamed Jinjok Malatok, the squad leader of one of the Savage Puppy Squadron  being airdropped into Gateway. People ran for their lives as the huge aliens began to scare the local populace.

“<Burn their homes! Devour their entrails! Kick their puppies! For the glory of Khundia!>”, yelled Jinjok Malatok’s men in response to their leader’s words. Gateway City would be burned to the ground if they had anything to say about it…or at least given a kick to whatever passed for their genitalia.

“I don’t speak rude alien-ese, but you guys don’t seem very nice,” came a voice from behind Malatok’s men. They turned…and laughed. A young Earth girl was standing in the middle of the deserted street before them, a wry grin on her face. She wore her blonde hair in pigtails, with jeans and a leather jacket. Her t-shirt had a WW logo on it with a stylized ‘G’.

“<Activate translators, Khunds!>,” said Jinjok Malatok. Everyone pressed a stud on the collars of their tunics. Immediately, their gutteral talk coalesced into grunting English.

“You, little Earth girl, will face a slow death for daring to face the wrath of a true Khundian-Born warrior! You will wish your mother hadn’t let you out to play this day! Hah!” Jinjok looked back at his warriors for agreement, and they all nodded and grunted positively.

Then, as Jinjok turned his head back to face the little Earth girl, he found himself suddenly hurtling straight up into the air. It took several seconds for him to realize that the Earth girl had grabbed his tunic and began flying straight up into the sky with him. He struggled to aim his blaster at the girl…but was too preoccupied with the feeling of his undergarments getting wet.

“I’m going to tell you jerks once,” the girl said. “Leave Gateway City alone. As of now, it’s officially under the protection of Wonder Girl!”

Faux-DC Presents

Issue # 339

“Whattagirl!”

A Cold Armageddon Crossover Starring

Wonder Girl, Supreme Kicker of Big Alien Ass!

Written By Mike Hintze

Edited by “Miry” Clay Arceneaux

&

“Rollickin” Ralph Angelo, Jr.!

Malatok tried to sound brave despite his soiled undies. “R-Release me! I am J-Jinjok Malatok, Great Warrior of Khundia! My name means Supreme Buh-Beater of Small Mammals! None may handle me so!”

Cassie Sandsmark, a.k.a.Wonder Girl gave Malatok a wry grin and shook her head. “Oh yeah? Well my name means Supreme Kicker of Big Alien Ass!”

Malatok looked below him and saw his troop milling about frantically as they tried to decide how best to save their leader. Wonder Girl could hear guttural shrieks as they panicked.

“Malatok is doomed—“

“The humans are too powerful—“

“Mongul is full of ---“

“I MISS MY MOOGIE!“

Suddenly all the Khunds below ran off in different directions, their fear of the powerful Earth warrior overtaking any sense of bravery. Malatok’s face quickly sagged as he realized he was more than beaten…he was disgraced.

Once his men thought to report back to base, the name of Malatok would be disgraced and reduced in rank. No longer would he be the Beater of Small Mammals. After this defeat, he would again become the rank that he held before he was drafted into the Khundian Army for this newest offensive against Earth. He would once again become Jinjok Malatok, Cleaner of the Royal Latrines.

He could not go back to that again. The Khundian Royalty were the messiest washroom users in the empire…especially Prince Binko.

Malatok shuddered with depredation.

“I—I surrender,” he meekly said.

“I’m sorry…what was that? I couldn’t hear you,” replied Wonder Girl with a smile on her face.

“I surrender! For the Love of Grok, I surrender! But…I have one condition.” He gave a sheepish look at Wonder Girl.

“What is it?”, she asked, doubt reeking in her voice.

“Do not allow me to return to my superiors! Please!”

Wonder Girl gave Malatok a doubtful look. “You mean…kill you? Die honorably, like a Klingon?”

Malatok’s face gave way again to the fear he had expressed moments before. “Are you Grok-Bokkin’ insane?? No! I mean…” Malatok thought for a few seconds. “I mean…I have vital information that I will turn over to your leaders if I am granted asylum! Important information that will turn the tide of the war!” A second passed. “What is this Klingon you speak of?”

She ignored the last question, but his other statement? That definitely got Wonder Girl’s attention. “You’re serious. ‘Vital Information’. Really.”

Malatok seized on the interest he had generated in his opponent. “Yes! Vital! Let me live! But not with my fellow Khunds…I will be killed if I return in defeat! Please!”

Wonder Girl thought for another few seconds. “All right. We’ll go to the nearest military place I can find, and there you’ll spill your guts. Capeesh?”

Malatok looked at her in horror. “Spill my guts??? You said I could live! Or are you humans like the Saurians, where you eat your prey to learn of them? Oh, Grok Save Me!”

Wonder Girl rolled her eyes. It was going to be a long day.

She had been having the time of her life.

Sun and surf. (And training, of course.) Paradise Island had been her place away from it all. Her summer had been spent training in the fighting arts of the Amazons. Diana, otherwise known as Wonder Woman, had wanted Cassie to learn how to fight properly if she was going to use her god-given powers to defend humanity. Relying strictly on her powers, Diana had said, was to become blind to other ways of resolving situations. She was to always use peace as a first resort. But, if peace wouldn’t work, she needed to learn how to kick some ass, Amazon style.

Once school had resumed, Cassie had been forced to curtail her superhero activities. Between studying and her involvement with Young Justice, she had been going to Paradise Island on weekends when she could find the time. This weekend, she was supposed to have gone there again for some archery training with Artemis, but then the forces of Mongul had attacked. Nearly every major city on Earth was under siege. Superman was reported missing. Leesburg had been wiped off the map. The JLA Watchtower was out of contact, leaving Cassie as the only superhuman defender of Gateway City. So far with her Olympian powers of super strength and flight, and the Gateway City Major Crimes Unit’s advanced weaponry, along with the U.S. Military located in the city, they were holding their own. So far only a few Khund troop battalions had been deployed, and so far the casualties were being kept to a minimum. Cassie knew that wouldn’t continue forever.

Maybe this Khund would be able to turn the tables for them.

She flew over the Gateway City skyline, her vantage point giving her a bird’s eye view of the carnage overtaking the city. Smoke rose in plumes from various parts of the city.

Malatok’s face began to turn from his natural blue hue to a darker purple. “Let me down! I’m going to…” Before another word was said, Malatok released his last several meals into the air. Surprised, Wonder Girl let Malatok go.

“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!” It took Wonder Girl a second to realize that the high pitched squeal she was hearing was coming from Malatok. She flew down towards the ground, passing Malatok in his descent, and matched his speed. He fell into her arms and as soon as he stopped freefalling, he clutched Wonder Girl as if she were a long lost lover. His breath came over her in sickly waves.

“Try a Tic-Tac, why doncha?” she said as she dropped him the last 10 feet to the ground. Malatok curled up into a ball, shivering.

“I—I can’t do that again,” he said feebly.

Wonder Girl couldn’t believe what she was hearing. A Khund warrior…afraid of heights? “How the hell did you even get onboard your starship without puking? Mighty warrior, my ass!”

She gave Malatok a small look. “You sure don’t seem like the kind of warrior that would be given big military secrets. Actually, you seem like a wuss.”

Malatok looked up at her from his cowering position. Tears streamed down his face. “All right! All right! I admit it…I know nothing! I can only tell you better and exciting ways to clean your toiletries! I’m…I’m nothing…nothing…”

Wonder Girl looked at him with pity. “Well, I have to take you in. You’re a war criminal, and you’ll have to face Earth justice.”

“Is it harsh?”, asked Malatok. His face looked like he was about to break out crying again.

“Well, just be thankful that I’m not Batman. Now that guy is harsh.”

“B—Batman?? ‘He who jumps into battle with young sidekicks as body armor’? Will…will I become his newest sidekick? Please say it isn’t so!” Malatok cowered again.

Wonder Girl threw her arms up in the air again in disgust. “That’s it. If I bring you in you’ll be so scared you’ll probably have a heart attack. I’m going to do something stupid. I’m going to let you go. You’re not a threat to me, and you’re sure as hell not a threat to anyone else. You and your men…”

Malatok looked up in slight hope. “The Savage Puppy Squadron?”

“Yeah…The Savage Puppy Squadron…I can’t believe the Khund High Command sent you here. You’re pathetic.”

Malatok rose to his feet. “Neither can I…” He began to walk away. “Thank you, Girl of Wonder! I will not forget your mercy shown this glorious day! Your presence rivals that of the Supreme Khundian Gods themselves!”

“Yeah, yeah…now vamoose before I change my mind.” Wonder Girl rose into the sky and headed off to seek other, less pitiful troubles around Gateway City.

Malatok began to run. After several minutes of random panic, he suddenly found himself facing 4 of his former troop.

“Lord Malatok, sir! You’re alive!”, one of them exclaimed.

Malatok regained some of his composure. “Ah…yes! I am alive! Your optical receptors are working fine, soldier!”

One of the other soldiers gave Malatok a wary look, his hands going for his plasma rifle. “Hey…why are you alive? Why are you running free? The Supreme Kicker of Alien Ass was very powerful! How did you survive?” The rifle began to be raised to bear on Jinjok Malatok.

Malatok had two choices. Cower and be blasted by superheated energy plasma…or assert himself. One was easy to do…the other would let him live…maybe.

“L-Lower your rifle, soldier!”, Malatok uttered with conviction. Not a great degree of conviction…but a little. “I have vanquished the Wonder Girl! She is the Supreme Kicker of Alien Ass no longer! Now…she is the newest denizen of Sav’Alinq, the worst of the Khundian Hells!” He gave a confident nod as he finished, crossing his arms as he did so.

The other soldiers paused. Then, one of them began to chant. “All hail Malatok, Supreme Killer of Little Girls! All Hail!” The others joined him, and soon other scattered Khundian soldiers began to assemble. Eventually, all 15 of Malatok’s soldiers had assembled around him again.

“Tell us of the tale of battle!”, one of them asked. “Tell of the vanquishing of the Girl of Wonder!”

Just at that moment, Malatok looked up. Wonder Girl flew high overhead, holding a small Gil’Dishpan cruiser over her head. Its engines had failed. Malatok smiled. Stupid Fishheads.

But if Wonder Girl saw him and his troop assembled, he wouldn’t have to worry about returning in disgrace. His own soldiers would tear him apart. Unless…

“I will regale you of my tale after I inform you of our new orders. We are to set up base…” Malatok looked around frantically. “In that abandoned building over there!” The men all looked at the almost collapsed building. “There, we are to wait until further orders. Men, the Savage Puppy Squadron has been assigned the role of Last Line of Defense! Should all others be defeated, we are to take back the glory of Khundia! But not a second before. Am I clear?”

The men mumbled to themselves. Malatok saw that the soldier who had questioned him before didn’t seem convinced. “If you choose not to follow my orders,” he said as he grabbed a plasma pistol, “You will experience this.” He aimed the pistol at the questioning soldier and fired. The soldier’s head vaporized in an instant, his body collapsing a second later. “Understood?”

The others began running to the abandoned building while uttering “Yes Sir!” “Right away sir!” “No problemo, sir!”

Within a minute, they were all settled in the boiler room of the abandoned building. They all had set out their sleeping units, and some had even began to eat their packs of rations. They were Savage Puppy Squadron, The Last Line of Defense.

“Tell us of your battle with the Girl!”, asked one of the soldiers. Others joined in with the request.

“Very well,” replied Malatok. “It all began with my pulling of the Girl’s hair. She screamed like a girl, begging for mercy. She even compared me to another race of fierce warriors known as the Klingons…”

Several days later, after the battle to seize Earth by the Alien Alliance ended, the Savage Puppy Squadron turned themselves in to the American Military. They ran out of rations, and were really hungry.

Jinjok Malatok and the rest of his troop were assigned to the superhuman jail known as the Slab. There, Malatok was given the daily task of cleaning the latrines.

He was glad to get it.

Check out the JLA Issues of Cold Armageddon to see the whereabouts of Diana!

Next Issue:  The battle is over…but what is the cost of Cold Armageddon? Diana learns of the supreme price paid by one close to her…And if Cold Armageddon is over why is the harbinger of doom known as Pariah suddenly bringing bad tidings to the DCU?