"I'll get you, Green Lantern!"
"No you won't, Sinestro! Not as long as I've got my trusty
ring!"
"But ha! Your ring is helpless against yellow and my ring
is filled with yellow . . . um . . .energy? Yeah - it's filled
with yellow energy that you can not hope to defend yourself from!"
"But . . .um . . .the ring isn't helpless against yellow
anymore! Yeah - they took out that impurity and so now I can kick
your butt, Brad . . .I mean Sinestro!"
"*Who* took out the impurity?"
"The Guardians!"
"Aren't they in the future?"
"Nope - you're thinking of the Guardians of the Galaxy. Wrong
company altogether. These are those little blue guys."
"Oh right - those little blue guys. . . I really hate those
little blue guys. They're bald and stuff. Short, too. Never trust
bald short blue guys in dresses. They're probably a little light
in the loafers. That's what my dad says anyway."
"Does not."
"Does too. He said it just the other day when he was eating
breakfast. He's a Green Lantern too - and he hates the Guardians."
"Does not."
"Does too."
"He's the greatest of them all - Hal Jordan, but don't tell
anyone I told you that. The Guardians might get pissed that he's
letting people know who he really is."
"You didn't even remember who the Guardians were a moment
ago."
"um . . .I didn't remember what 'earthers' called them. Just
what my dad does, 'those dipshit blue guys'."
"He does not call them that!"
"Sure he does!"
"If your dad is actually Hal Jordan - then why are you pretending
to be his arch foe Sinestro?"
"Arch foe? Sinestro?"
"Yeah - they hate each other!"
"No they don't - they just pretend, like us."
"No - they really do hate each other. I read it."
"Don't believe everything you read, Zack. Sinestro comes
over all the time to play poker and to watch football. Mom doesn't
like it when he puts his feet up on the table though; she's always
saying,' Sinestro -get your damn feet off my damn table.'"
"No way your mom says damn that much."
"Damn right she does. When Sinestro's around she's all -
' want some damn pretzels with your damn beer?' and stuff."
"I think you're just making this crap up."
" . . . jeez . . .you *think*. You're so naïve, Zack.
I could probably get you to believe just about anything."
"Not anymore."
"And why is that?"
"Cause I'm going to be a Green Lantern now. And Green Lanterns
aren't naive!"
"Yeah - yeah - and I'm Sinestro and I'm going to blow your
world into little bits!"
"No - I'm serious. I'm really a Green Lantern now."
"Prove it."
"You see this Green Lantern ring I'm wearing."
"Yeah - you got that last week in that machine. You wanted
the spider- but got the ring instead. Big deal, it's a toy ring."
"It's not a toy. It's REAL."
"heheheheh . .. SURE it is. PROVE it."
"um . . .ok."
Zack points his ring toward the sky and says," Ok - want
to see a flying horse?"
"heheheheh. . .. sure!"
Suddenly a green light bursts forth from the ring and forms into
the shape of a green flying horse.
"See?"
Brad's jaw drops as he watches the horse change into a giant sledge
hammer, then a bat, then the World Series champs, then images
of something they really shouldn't have been watching when they
stayed over at Zack's house one night as his parents forgot to
put the parental block back on TeN, from there it went to a three
dimensional Superman who flew around before finally dissipating.
"I told you I was a Green Lantern. For REAL."
"Oh my god! This is so cool! What are you going to do with
it?"
"I don't know. Fight evil maybe. Know where any hangs out?"
"Hmmm . . . not really. Super villains don't tend to announce
where their hideouts are."
"Yeah - it's really a pain. Maybe we can use it to do other
stuff though."
'Yeah - other stuff . . . like . . .oh man!"
"LIKE what! Like what????"
"Do you think that thing can pick up satellite TV?"
Zack shrugged, "Don't know - worth a try."
Deep inside a Secret Hide-Out
(turn left on Marshall Street, third building on the left, can’t
miss it. It’s the abandoned warehouse with the big "Abandoned
Warehouse" sign prominently displayed)
"BWAH HAHAHA!!!!!"
"What . . .What is it, master?"
"I have found it! At long last I have found it!"
"What? Master? What have you found?"
"Patience, Hapless Lackey and I shall tell you. I have found
the source of ultimate power!"
"Oh goodie."
The evil genius smacks Hapless Lackey, who then takes a protective
step backward.
"Thank you, master."
"It’s in orbit right now as we speak - just sitting there
waiting for me to take it!"
"What is, master? What is?"
"An alien armada, here to destroy the planet and every last
man, woman and child on it * , but that doesn’t matter, NOTHING
will stop me from acquiring it to use in my conquest of the world!"
(* Don’t believe him? Go see it for yourself in the FDC’s stunning
Cold Armageddon crossover right now! Well, you might want to wait
to go see it for yourself until you’re done here. Well, ok, I
guess we can wait. Go read it already, we can entertain ourselves.
. . back yet? Hmmm, nope. Umm, the rest of you, I assume that
you’ve already read Cold Armageddon. Pretty cool huh? . . . Um,
read any good books lately? How ‘bout those [insert your favorite
sports team here]? Nasty weather we’ve been having. Much too hot
- I blame the . . .oh, you’re back. Enjoy it? Thought you would.
Well, getting back to the story . . .)
"But, master - if they destroy the planet and kill every
last man, woman and child - what is the point of global conquest?"
"It’s the principal of the matter, Hapless Lackey. I shall
be ruler over the world, even if everyone has to die for me to
do it."
"Umm pardon me, master - but you’re mad."
"BWAH HAHA HA! I am NOT mad! I am GREAT RESPONSIBILITY!"
"Great Responsibility?"
"Yes dear, Hapless Lackey - for I aim to have Great Power!"
And from the sound of his evil laughter echoing through the abandoned
warehouse we go to
Deep Space
"Nein!"
"What did you just say to me?"
"Nein! No! Uh-uh! No way!"
"What are you trying to say?"
"I won’t do it. Positively. .Absolutely. I won’t!"
"Oh come on - for me?"
"I don’t care WHO you are - or who you represent. I am Darkseid
-scourge of the universe, absolute ruler of my very own planet
and I REFUSE to do voiceovers for CNN, whatever it is!"
"Come on, man, I’m your agent! James Earl Jones has a cold
- they need a fill-in for their new spot! You’re a shoo-in! Come
on - just do a read through for me."
"If I do, will you go away? Or will I have to get my parademons
to escort you off planet again?"
"If after reading this - you decide it’s not for you, I’ll
go right back to my office and try for that shampoo ad we were
talking about -the before picture."
"Ok - let’s see it."
His agent hands him the piece of paper.
Darkseid’s voice crackles with power, "THIS . . .is CNN."
"Perfect man - just perfect."
A hint of a smile crosses Darkseid’s crusted mouth, and then rapidly
vanishes, "How much are they paying again?"
Miry Paycheck, Agent to the Stars smiled. Another satisfied client.
Back on Earth
"Hey, Zack! Check this out!"
"What? Did she do that thing again?"
"Yeah - but that’s not what I’m talking about! There’s something
going on outside!"
Zack runs over to the window to see people running through the
streets in terror. He looks up to the sky to see it literally
filled with rapidly descending aliens.
"You know what you have to do don’t you?" Brad asked
with a sincere look on his face.
"Find a blank tape? This Green Lantern ring is getting *great*
reception!"
"No, you have to go save those people. That’s what Green
Lanterns do after all."
"Oh yeah! Sorry, got caught up in this. Do you know how much
kids at school would *pay* for a copy of this stuff?"
Brad smiled, "NOW we’re talking! . . . but you better go
save those people first."
"Yeah - guess you’re right."
And with that, Zack pointed the ring at himself and created a
stylish version of a Green Lantern costume. "Can’t go fight
evil without looking good, right?"
"Right man. Now go kick some butt!"
"What will you be doing?"
"What else? Looking for some blank tapes!"
Zack couldn’t believe that he was flying - so he buzzed a couple
of pedestrians running for their lives just to see how it felt.
Pretty damn good, he concluded and filed that away for future
reference.
As the aliens got closer, they starting firing their oversized
handheld weapons. Zack formed a large green shield around over
the city to block the blasts. They bounced off all over the place,
but none of them got through.
"Curses!" he thought he heard one of the aliens say
- although, they were aliens, so he wasn’t really sure. Although
he was *quite* sure he heard the name "Green Lantern"
used. He swelled with pride. At least
until they shifted their energy weapons to yellow. He wasn’t really
sure how they did it - only that they had - and the blasts started
getting through.
A blast ripped up the street, in one continuous line, forming
a trench, and vaporizing several people trying to get away.
"Damn!" Zack thought as he scooped up a couple more
people out of harm’s way in a giant baseball mitt. "That’s
MY street! They can’t do this on MY street!"
He looked back up and saw the aliens continuing their descent.
"I have to stop them - I have to - but my ring is powerless
against yellow, what am I going to . . ." he stopped in midsentence,
" Wait a second! The Guardians removed that impurity! I *can*
stop yellow! It’s just a matter of willpower! Those bastards are
in for it now!"
And with that, he refocused his will on one goal - blowing those
aliens out of the sky!
The aliens continued blasting, only to find their blasts reflected
right back up at them.
"Eat that suckers!" Zack said, hoping that his parents
weren’t in any danger, but more importantly, hoping that they
didn’t hear him since he really wasn’t being all that nice and
they tended to frown at that sort of behavior.
BOOM
The sky lit up as a boom tube opened and out drifted Miry Paycheck
:Agent to the Stars on a anti-gravity disk.
"Hold it! Hold it right there!" he screamed. The aliens
stopped advancing.
Their leader, obviously confused, approached Miry. "Who are
you, Earthling?"
Miry looked aghast for a moment, then pulled a business card from
his inner jacket pocket. "I represent the biggest of the
big, baby. You want work in *this* biz - you come to me."
"You’re an AGENT"
"You betcha, sugarpop. Now what exactly are we doing here?"
"We are in the process of destroying this planet and generally
reeking havoc on it’s populace."
"Ok - I’m with ya so far. . . Murder, mayhem, all the goodies…gotcha.
Who are you doing this for?"
"We are working with the one they call Mongul."
"Mongul huh? Big yellow guy?"
The aliens nod.
"Call him Mongul - or just another mogul - they’re all the
same. What sort of percent of the take is he giving you?"
"Percent of the take?"
"Yeah - how much of the total profit are you netting here?"
"We do this to avenge ourselves on the Earthers."
"Revenge - hmm . . . not ,much money in that now is there?
What about I set you up with a nice little invasion someplace
else where you can make some *serious* money, minus my standard
commission of course."
The alien nodded, "Makes sense. Where do you want us to invade?"
Miry smiled and gave them the address of a rival intergalactic
talent agency. Business was business after all.
Zack wasn’t really sure what to make of the spectacle, but he
was glad when the aliens finally left. He was even more happy
when the agent left. Agents smelled worse than aliens it seemed.
Being a Green Lantern wasn’t all it was cracked up to be apparently.
He looked back at the damage that they had done despite his efforts,
all the people that they had killed. He looked back over at his
house and wondered what was on. So he went to go see.
"I can’t believe it!" Brad was screaming when he came
back in.
"What?"
"When you left - the signal jammed again!"
Zack looked at his ring," Must have something to do with
using it for other stuff."
Brad didn’t look amused, "Well now use it for something COOL
now, ok?"
Zack returned to his street clothes and smiled, "I’ve got
an idea."
Back in the Abandoned Warehouse
"Master - the aliens have stopped attacking."
"Hmm . . . they must have realized that I, using this energy
absorber of my own design, am now siphoning the power from their
ships in the atmosphere."
"Are you really, master?"
The mad genius looked serious for a moment "Well - either
that or I’m tapping into cable signals. But I’m pretty sure it’s
the alien armada." and then returned to his dementia.
"Brilliant, master! Simply brilliant!"
"But of course. Soon I will have siphoned enough power from
them to control the world! BWAH HAHA HA BWAH HAHA HA!"
"How, master? How?"
"First I will harness this strange alien energy. Then I will
use it to take over the world!"
"But how, master - what is your plan after that?"
"I told you - to take over the world!"
"But . . . ok, you’ve got the power right?"
"Yes."
"You’ve found a way to harness it for your own evil plan
right?"
"Yes"
"Which is to take over the world right?"
"Of course. Good to see you finally paying attention, Hapless
Lackey -but honestly what’s your point?"
"HOW is this energy going to be used?"
Great Responsibility laughed, "FIENDISHLY, of course!"
Next issue: What is Great Responsibility’s
fiendish plan? What are
Zack and Brad up to? How low will Miry Paycheck stoop to make
a buck?
How exactly do you get a Green Lantern’s ring from a gum ball
machine?!? What? This is a One-shot??? Oh yeah! Umm . . .just
wait
until Power Ring One-Shot #2 of 1! Unless of course Clay and Ralph
decide to kill me first.
