I remember some time ago I was teaching Bart how to use the more subtle tricks of super speed. I was trying to show him how to vibrate through a brick wall, when I suddenly found myself realizing how silly that sounded.

I mean, really - "vibrating through a wall."
No wonder the kid wasn't getting it.

I understood it back when I was Kid Flash and Uncle Barry taught me the trick, because he used examples from science. He took me into his makeshift lab back in the garage, and he showed me how sound vibrations could travel through solid objects using a radio and a trash can lid.

I'm not sure what is made me think of that exact story, unless it's because I was just as confused about my latest adventure as I was about "vibrating through walls" as a young Kid Flash.

You see, what I had just heard from this gentleman named "The Zep" sipping some drink in a tall glass with one of those little umbrellas in it, made even less sense than a man being able to run through a brick wall under his own power.

"I can see you're confused," The Zep said to me.

Well, yes I was confused. The man had just told me something that makes even less sense than this place I'd been transported to, where people talked like old vaudeville comedy routines and the colors were all out of whack.

He just told me he is the speed force.

---

Faux DC presents
The Adventures of Wally West, The Fastest Man Alive

Issue # 8
"The Flashman Leaveth"
By Doc

---

"What do you mean - you are the speed force?" I asked. "I've been to the other side of light before and 'experienced' the speed force, and I don't remember seeing you anywhere around."

"You must still be dizzy from your fight with Amazo," he replied. "Don't you remember - you were trying to outrace the new Amazo robot, and the only way you could defeat him and save the Justice League was to break the light barrier. You broke through, and that's how you landed here, just a fraction of a second before the robot shattered to pieces under the strain."

"Huh?" I answered, REALLY confused. "Are you sure we're on the same channel here?" I asked. "Yes, I just had a run-in with Amazo - sort of. But the robot I was racing against was just one of Mirror Master's holographic projections.* The Justice League had nothing to do with it."

*See The Flash, issue 6, for details.

Now I got to see the man with the drink get a confused look on HIS face.

"You mean you didn't just overcome the problems with your super speed and sacrifice yourself to save your teammates by breaking through to the other side of light?" He asked.

"No." I answered.

"But your name is Wally Allen, and you fight crime as the speedster known as The Flashman, right?" He asked me.

"Wrong on both counts," I answered. "My name is Wally WEST. You've got me confused with my uncle, Barry ALLEN. I go by the name of 'Flash,' just like he did - neither of us have ever called ourselves "Flashman."

The man called The Zep got up from his chair, and pulled a book off of one of the many huge shelves here in the library.

"Wally WEST, Wally WEST...." he muttered, leafing through the pages of a book so fast the pages create a small breeze. Finishing that book, he quickly grabbed another, and then another, and then yet another... even with my enhanced vision for objects moving at high rates of speed, he was difficult to track.

"Aha!" he exclaimed, stopping, a finger pointed to a page mid-way through a large book. Behind him, a stack of books seven feet high and nine feet wide littered the floor. "Nephew through IRIS's side of the family rather than Barry's, right?"

"Yes, that's right," I answered "but what does that have to do with -"

"Everything!" he answered, smiling, before I can finish my sentence. In a blink, he is back in his chair, glass in hand, as if nothing had happened.

"Wally, it seems we have hit a bit of a snag in the way this place normally operates," he said apologetically. "Tell me, what were you doing before you arrived here?"

"Jay and I were trying to discover a solution to some problems with my ability to channel the speed force." I said. "Jay called in Doctor Fate, and the three of us were using some of Barry's old equipment to 'jump start' my speed off of Jay. We figured if I could get past light speed, I could break this evil spell that had been put on me. Sounds silly, I know -"

"I've heard worse ideas," The Zep answered. "Go on."

"I start to get a good boost from Jay's efforts, and then everything went crazy at once - I thought I was 'overcharged' or something - and the next thing I know, I landed in the water off your beach here." I said.

"And you met my brothers, and they brought you here," The Zep said, finishing my story for me.

"That's right." I answered.

"Tell me, Wally - this Doctor Fate you spoke of. Is he a scientist?" The Zep asked me.

I laughed.

"No, no, not a scientist - more of a magician or sorceror." I answered.

"A sorceror? That explains it. Stupid magicians never quite get it right, always putting their own personal creative stamp on everything instead of just working the spell like a technician would," The Zep said.

"Come again?" I asked.

"It's like this - apparently the idea to get you past light speed worked. Maybe even too well, since you found yourself travelling to the other side of light again. But somewhere along the way, you took a wrong turn or something," he replied.

"Are you saying you aren't the speed force?" I asked.

"Oh no, no, I'm not saying that at all. I know that I am the speed force - I just don't happen to be YOUR speed force, that's all." The Zep replied.

"Come again?" I said.

"I am the speed force, alright - but not for Wally West, The Flash. I'm the speed force for Wally Allen, blood nephew of Barry Allen, and second man to wear the costume of The Flashman," he said. "He's due here pretty soon, in fact. I thought you were -"

"You thought I was this Wally Allen." I said, completing his thought.

"Yes," he said.

I knew enough about the way the universe works to know that this scenario was entirely possible. A few vibrations here, a dimensional flux there, not to mention that hypertime garbage -

- let's just say I was less skeptical than most people would have been.

"So, am I stuck here, or can you find a way to get me back to my home - or at least to MY own speed force so I can work on fixing my powers?"

"That's a little bit out of my experience, but I may have some ideas that will get you home - or closer to it," he said.

"I'm listening," I said.

"Wally, this may sound silly, but I need to know some things about how your speed has changed your life." He said.

He was right - it did sound silly - but what the heck.

I started talking. "When I was just a kid, and that lightning bolt charged the power of speed into my veins, I thought being Kid Flash was the best thing in the world."

I continued. "As I got older, I met other people with special abilities... my pals in the Teen Titans. Suddenly, my life was getting filled with responsiblities and relationships. People's lives were riding on whether or not I did my job right. It was tough, but I worked through it."

I thought about what my life was like before Barry died. "Later, I found I wanted to settle down and have a normal life, leave the whole 'super hero' thing behind. And that's when I first started having problems with my speed," I said.

The Zep interrupted. "What kind of problems, exactly?"

I remebered and answered, "my powers were killing me. The science guys said it had to do with the changes my body chemistry was going through on the way to adulthood."

The Zep asked, "What happened?"

"Barry died fighting the Anti-Monitor," I answered, "and some of the rest of us nearly died, too. I took a blast of energy that somehow changed my body chemistry, which also solved the problems of my speed killing me. I took over the job Barry had done as The Flash."

The Zep asked, "And that was something you wanted to do?"

"Yes." I answered. I didn't go into the details of how I had to learn more than a few things before I started doing the job right, but after all, that was none of his business.

The Zep said "I think I know what may be going on between you and YOUR speed force, Wally."

"What's that?" I asked.

"When you started having thoughts of hanging up the hero job and just wanting a normal life, what started happening?"

"My powers started killing me," I answered.

"And when you WANTED to be a hero to continue your Uncle Barry's tradition, what did your powers do?" he asked.

"They were normal - but that was because of the Anti-Monitor -"

"Not likely," The Zep interrupted. "My guess is, whatever that spell was that you and Jay and this Doctor Fate were working to overcome... I think somewhere deep inside, you LIKED the idea of not having your speed anymore. You WANTED to hang up the costume and live a normal life."

"You see, Wally, we 'speed forces' aren't without feelings. We know when we're not wanted, and from what I hear, some of us take that VERY, very personally," he said.

I thought about what he said.

It was true, right before the entire battle against Neron, Linda and I had been talking about settling down and maybe having a family. In my own mind, I didn't see a lot of "Flash" activity going on once we had kids. Maybe Neron tapped into that somehow, amplified it, and keyed the speed force into it.

But I know that being The Flash was more than just putting on a costume... it's who I am. I can no more seperate being The Flash from my life than I can stop breathing. Wally West IS The Flash, pure and simple. Wally West wants a life with Linda - and that means The Flash wants a life with Linda, too.

Neron just tapped into something that was in the back of my mind, and brought it to the same part of my being that works with the speed force. Maybe?

Ah, this whole thing was nuts. Thinking of Linda reminds me that I need to get home. I've got a great life waiting for me, and it's high time I started living it again.

Just then, a trumpet call was heard from far on the horizon.

"Ah," The Zep said, "I believe one of my brothers has found Mr. Wally Allen wandering around on the island, after all."

Ten seconds later, I was treated to the sight of all three of the brothers apologizing profusely to the man called The Zep, and nearly falling over themselves in their desire to be the one to introduce Wally Allen - The Flashman - to him.

I looked at "Wally Allen."

Same build as mine, a little bit shorter. Many facial differences, although it was hard to really know with that mask on. His costume was the same day-glow red as Uncle Barry's, with that same zig-zig lightning for the straight belt and on the forearms.

A few changes here and there in my ancestor's personal history, and he is who I might have been, I thought to myself.

Wally Allen looked me over, too. I can only guess what he might have been thinking, as his expression never changed.

The Zep turned to introduce us.

"Wally West, meet Wally Allen. It's a shame the two of you won't get a chance to know each other," The Zep said.

"What do you mean?" I asked, feeling very strange, like I did on the treadmill with Jay and Doctor Fate. I look at my hands, and I can see through them, as though they are a weak projection rather than solid matter.

"Because you are leaving us, Mr. West," The Zep said. "You've consciously accepted your speed again, and apparently remembered the touchstone to your reality. Good luck and God speed, Mr. West!"

I grow dizzy, and I - I guess I faded out.

When I 'woke' up, I was running on the other treadmill, the one next to Jay, as Doctor Fate floated in the air a few feet away.

Jay saw me, and threw some switches on his treadmill, which brought it to a halt. I did the same thing to mine, and hopped off - I stretched my arms and gently twisted my neck from side to side to loosen it up a bit.

"What happened?" Jay asked. "One minute, everything is working fine, and the next, you 'blink' out on us in a bolt of lightning, and then you're right back again. And your suit!"

I looked down. The black suit I had been wearing was now blue, and all the mystic symbols that Doctor Fate had etched into it were gone, leaving nothing but the circuitry.

"Long story," I said, and did a quick self-evaluation.

I felt better than I'd felt in weeks.

"I've got an idea," I said, and blew out of the room, returning less than 12.24 seconds later dressed in my regular red uniform.

"Where'd you get that?" Jay asked.

"Back home," I answered, and smiled. Jay smiled, too, and if I didn't know better, I'd guess that Doctor Fate might have even grinned under that spooky helmet as well.

My powers were back, with no ill effects.

I looked at Jay, and only asked my old friend one question.

"Where's Linda?"

The Flash is ready to run again.

-end-