Almost as Good as a Denny 's Menu ...

The

Halloween Not-So Special #5

"Taking the Ax to the Family Tree "

By The Same Ol ' Guy Who Regurgitates This Crap Every Year

GothamVillage, Earth - Once the crown city of the North American continent, Gotham City fell into a perpetual state of disrepair shortly after the Great Disaster of 2876 A.D. Recent attempts at restoring the once-proud city have proved only moderately successful.

Encyclopedia Galactica - 3008 A.D.

I scanned my retina into the sensor by the door and made my way into the small flat I shared with my parents on the Village 's East Side.The door hissed begrudgingly and slowed to a stop as it recessed into the wall only halfway.

"Sprockin ' door is stuck again! " I cursed as I squeezed through the narrow opening.

As usual, I cleared a space on the counter for my books and punched the proper controls on my antigrav bag so it would set itself on the table with little fanfare.

Mom wasn 't a big fan of fanfare.

"Is that you Irwina? " Mom yelled from the living quarters.

Who the frag did she think it was? The Easter Validus?

I hoped the parental unit would leave me alone if I didn 't reply.

As usual my luck was rotten.

"Didn 't you hear me, dear? " Mom asked as she joined me in the kitchen.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Yeah, I was busy. "

Mom placed her hands on her hips. "Busy with what, young lady? I swear you act more like your father every day! "

Not the dad argument again! Bloody Nass! It was getting old.

"The door was stuck, " I replied. I pointed over my shoulder at the disabled entryway.

Mom sighed. "I 'll put in a call to the building manager ... again! He blames the problems on the power grid but I don 't think he ... "

"Sprocking grid! " I cursed.

"Irwina Schwartz! You watch that language young lady! " Mom scolded. "You 're not too old to have your teleportation privileges suspended, you know! "

I sighed. Freakin ' parental units. I needed a quick distraction. "I brought my omnicoms home! "

"Your omnicoms? " Mom 's face lit up as she scanned the kitchen anxiously in search of said omnicoms . "All I see is your antigrav bag! "

I retrieved my Biology omni from my bag. "See? I really did bring them home! "

I neglected to tell her they were installing new lockers at school and we had to clear out our old ones for the night.

Mom 's face lit up. "Oh my! You did bring them home! Is my little girl going to actually study too? "

"Gods, mom! " I huffed. "We 've gone over this a million times! I 'm not your little girl. I 'm sixteen! "

"Are you going to study? " Mom asked.

"Am I still in trouble for my language? " I asked.

Mom nodded and smiled. "If you don 't study. "

"Then I 'm studying, " I groaned.

Mom kissed me on the forehead. "That 's my girl! What assignments do you have? "

Before I knew it she grabbed my history omni from my bag and scrolled my assignment list.

"This looks interesting! " said Mom. "Genealogy? "

I nodded. "Yeah, we 're supposed to do a report about one of our ancestors. Everyone else gets to pick their own. Guess who I was assigned? "

"Your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather is someone to be proud of! " Mom answered.

"Oh sure! " I shot back. "The World 's Greatest Detective! Co-Founder of the Justice League! Playboy billionaire! Inventor of the rudimentary teleporter.Who doesn 't know the story? "

Mom beamed. "Everyone knows Irwin and even if you are related on your father 's side you should be proud! "

"That 's my problem! " I retorted. "The schmuck is one of the most famous men to have ever lived! A mere handful of the biographies of the great historical figures survived the Great Disaster and my ancestor was one of them.I can 't just make crap up! "

"No you can 't young lady! " Mom replied. "You do your family proud with that report! In fact, I 'll help! "

I buried my face in my palm. Just what I needed! "You don 't have to ... "

"Nonsense! I believe a trip to the Irwin Schwartz museum is in order! " Mom announced proudly.

I banged my head against the wall.

The Irwin Schwartz Museum, the Outskirts of Gotham Village

I finally ditched my mother at the JLA exhibit and explored the museum on my own. Perhaps there was something among the trophies and endless holovids I could use in my report. I was thankful it was a Thursday. The museum was mostly deserted, which was a little spooky but still it beat listening to offworlders ooh and ahh about every minute detail of my famous ancestor 's life.

It also gave me opportunity to snoop among the exhibits and handle documents and artifacts I ordinarily couldn 't. Family privilege on went so far.

The rush of possibly getting caught was exhilarating as I shuffled through some of his ... (what were they called?) ... paper documents, from the early twenty-first century. I scarfed a writing utensil from Irwin's detective agency desk and wrote my initials on the docs. Some of the thrill was lost because he and I shared the same initials but at least mine were in Interlac and knowing that I sprocked up rare one-thousand year old documents was still exciting.

One of the antiques intrigued me. According to the label it was called a stapler. I accidentally squeezed it and a tiny sliver of metal shot out of one end.I wanted to learn more about the device so I scanned the omni next to the display. It was used by petty criminals to "hold up " banks and businesses in ancient times. Historians theorized that my ancestor confiscated it during one of his adventures with the Justice League!Wow! I fired a Missile-based weapon! How many people could say that?

I explored a little more and discovered that the door to the archives room was jammed half open. At least our place wasn 't the only one with grid issues! I squeezed through the opening and found a few bazillion artifacts strewn about examination tables and packed into plastisteel boxes.

Never one to settle for the easiest course of action, I stacked down a pile of boxes until I reached the one on the bottom. I opened it slowly. A twenty-first century man's suit was packed inside, probably an artifact from my ancestor's playboy years. I removed the jacket and tried it on. Irwin was a well-built chap. No wonder he ran with the great heroes of the age.

I admired my reflection in the smooth surface of the plastisteel crates. Antique clothing was extremely rare and I suppose I would have felt bad if it wasn't a family heirloom. I imagined myself walking from the subway to my own detective office on a cold Gotham morning. The winds off Lake Arceneaux were howling and chilled me to the bone. I buried my hands in the pockets to keep them cozy and ...

"What the sprock? " I asked.

My fingers brushed across something in the pocket. I removed the object from the coat pocket and examined it carefully. It was round and shiny even if a little scratched up. I believed it was some form of ancient currency. "What have we here? "

I rubbed the face of the object and that 's when my life turned upside down. An explosion ripped through the Archive room. I hacked and coughed as my lungs filled with pungent smoke. Once the smoke cleared, I was no longer alone.

The new arrival appeared to be a female humanoid, but she wasn 't completely human either. Her stick arms and legs joined to a circular body emblazoned with an advertising logo. Perhaps she was a down-on-her luck Durlan who took a job as a walking billboard? My ancient Earth languages were rough but I recognized the letters within the logo - FDC.

"Free! " the woman shouted. "A thousand years and I 'm finally free to right the wrongs of this universe! "

I covered her mouth. "Are you nuts lady or just trying to get me into trouble?"

The woman pried my hand loose from her mouth. "How will I get you into trouble?"

"You've got to be kidding? " I asked. "The guards will come running and bust me."

"This stuff ... I recognize it! At least some of it, " the woman said. "It belongs to Ambush Bug!"

"Who?" I asked.

The woman shuffled around the room and ran her hands over the artifacts. "Are we in a museum?"

Good grife! Was she nuts? "Of course we 're in a museum - the Irwin Schwartz Museum to be exact! "

The woman looked stunned. "The Irwin ... Oh my! This isn 't right!"

"Are you okay, lady?" I asked. I was getting concerned that I somehow set free a nutcase villain from my ancestor's JLA days. Maybe some evil genie? Perhaps one of the Demons Three?

"I 'm going to ask you a few questions," the lady instructed. "Please answer them so it will clear some of this up for me."

I nodded. "Sure."

"What year is it?" the lady asked.

Oh boy. "3086." I replied.

"This Irwin Schwartz, who is he? " the woman asked.

"Only one of the greatest heroes in the history of mankind," I boasted, suddenly feeling a swell of pride. "The World's Greatest Detective! Co-Founder of the JLA.! And my direct ancestor!"

The woman sunk to the floor. "We must have lost! Ambush Bug has replaced Batman in the FDC pantheon! Miry and Hintze aren't going to be happy!"

"Maybe I should get some help," I said.

"No, I 'm fine but I 'm not so sure about your world!" the woman answered. She extended her hand. "Jonni FDC!"

I reluctantly shook Jonni's hand. "Irwina Schwartz, and the world seems okay to me. Perhaps a curator would be better equipped to ... "

Suddenly the room disappeared and Jonni and I were on what I can only describe as a different plane. It was like we were looking down on a different world. Kinda like a bad sitcom flashback a la "How I Met Your Mother ".

Oy vey!

A picture formed of a skinny man in an oversized green bug costume. A pair of antennae jutted out from his head. He walked three steps and tripped over his own two feet.

"What a buffoon!" I laughed. "Who is he?"

"That is your ancestor, Irwin Schwartz, A.K.A Ambush Bug!" the woman replied. "The way he should be."

I glared at Jonni. "I'm not sure what kind of ancient insect an Ambush Bug was, but this idiot is not my ancestor!"

Jonni patted me on the back. "Sadly, this schlub is the real Irwin Schwartz. He was a petty thief who developed a simple teleportation system that he used to assist him in his crimes. He was defeated a few times by Superman who took pity on him due to his fragile mental state. He eventually reformed and fancied himself a detective. His agency failed miserably and he went to work in a retail store. There he realized his true calling as the Embodiment of the Halloween spirit and devoted his life to saving Halloween each year."

"Halloween? " I asked. "What 's that?"

Jonni looked as if she were about to explain but dug out and assembled a twenty-first century computer and directed me to read the first Ambush Bug Halloween Not-So-Special. I took a seat and read the drivel with keen interest.

"Well?" Jonni asked.

I looked up at Jonni with a mix of shock and disbelief. "The Phantom Stranger's real name is Stanley?"

I couldn 't help myself at that point. Some mysterious force (A.K.A David's weak plot) caused me to laugh hysterically at that statement even though I didn't know what a Phantom Stranger was!

Jonni joined me in the belly laugh for a few moments and then grew serious once more. "The last thing I remember Bug, Louie, and the gang were battling a new villain called the Halloween Thief! Somehow he must have won and stolen Halloween. Without Halloween there was never an inspiration for the superheroes to don costumes. This lead to the event you call the Great Disaster. "

I grew suspicious. "Wait a minute! How can you know about the Great Disaster if it happened in a future reality not your own?"

Jonni rolled her eyes. "Because I trudged through David's plot notes! It's the only way this garbage makes sense to me at all! Unfortunately, he's too lazy to actually write the connecting plot developments that will lead to a satisfying payoff for the reader so I have to regurgitate it as meaningless exposition. As usual, there are major plot holes in his story that requires a certain suspension of belief on the reader's part. He's the Oliver Stone of fanfic!"

"The hack!" I shouted.

Jonni nodded. "You get used to it. This is my fifth Not-So-Special."

"So what do you suggest?" I asked.

"It's clear to me that we must travel back in time and undo this horrible wrong so that time can unravel properly and things will be restored to their natural state," Jonni explained.

"Sounds like a plan, " I said. "We can borrow a conveniently-placed Time Bubble from ... Hey! Wait a minute! Why would I travel back in time to fix things? My family is rich because of Irwin 's teleportation patents! We 've enjoyed centuries of prestige as one of Earth's first families! I 'm on all the celebrity holovids! If we do what you 're suggesting, it will undo all that and restore Irwin to this Ambush Bug schlub. What will happen to my family then?"

Jonni lowered her head.

"Count me out!" I said. "Guards! Guards! Come quick! I 've unleashed Abnegazar from his prison!"

Jonni rushed to cover my mouth. "What are you doing?"

I bit her hand and she jerked it away.

"Saving my nass! " I replied. "Why would I help you?"

Jonni thought for a moment and a smile crossed her face. "It will piss your mom off and you 'll get out of doing your report."

I shrugged and returned her smile. "I 'm in."

I led Jonni to the display with the conveniently-placed (thanks David) working Time Bubble.

"Ordinarily, I 'd just snap my fingers and take us back in time but I 'm not sure how the unfolding events have affected my powers, " Jonni explained as we climbed inside the Time Bubble.

I love it when characters employ needless exposition to cover plot holes the average fanboy would jump all over.

"Next stop, twenty-first century!" I exclaimed.

And with a "Pop" we were gone.

Gotham City 2008 AD

It was a dark and stormy night when we arrived ...

"You can 't use that," Jonni warned.

"Why not? " I asked.

"There 's this little thing called copyright infringement, " Jonni replied.

So I tried it again.

It was an illumination-challenged and tempestuous night when we arrived outside stately Schwartz manor.

"Is that better?" I asked.

"Skip it," Jonni recommended.

The rain beat down upon us hard. I instinctively huddled closer to Jonni as we climbed the imposing stairs that led to the welcome shelter of the covered front porch.

"Wait! " I exclaimed. "Isn 't this the same house they used in Forrest Gump?"

Jonni shrugged. "Bug loved that movie. I didn 't realize it survived the Great Disaster."

"Another plot hole on the road to a Not-So-Special," I replied.

"Gotcha! " said Jonni. "Hey, if you don 't mind let 's keep the whole time-traveling, family ties thing under wraps, ok?"

"How come?" I asked.

Jonni shrugged. "It 's one of the rules of time travel."

"Who made the rules?" I asked.

Jonni shook her head. "I don 't know. Probably some comic or sci-fi geek but they are sacred to such works of fiction as ours so ix-nay on the whole scenario. Subtlety is the operative word. Okay?"

I nodded. "Got it."

Once we were safe on the porch we shook off the rain and Jonni rang the doorbell. I heard someone shuffling toward the door and watched with great anticipation as the knob thingy turned. In a few moments I 'd be face to face with my legendary ancestor!

The door opened and a well-dressed man stood before us.

I threw my arms around him. "Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather!"

Irwin fought to pry me loose from his neck. "Do I know you miss?"

"Subtle," said Jonni. "Very subtle."

My ancestor pushed me away. "How may I help you ladies?"

"You 're Irwin Schwartz, right?" I asked excitedly.

The man shook his head. "No, Miss. I am Master Schwartz's loyal manservant, Louie. Do you require the good Master's attention?"

"And how!" I said.

Louie invited us inside. The mansion was absolutely beautiful with its antique charm and "Good Housekeeping" decorating style. Or was it "Better Homes and Gardens"? I always get those mixed up.

"Please wait here in the foyer," Louie instructed. "I 'll get Master Schwartz."

Once Louie was out of earshot, we spoke.

"I can 't believe how easy that was," I whispered. "You 'd think it would be harder to score an audience with a world-famous playboy billionaire."

"A logical scene would have required three pages for us to see the Bug," Jonni explained. "So naturally David ... "

"Gotcha!" I replied.

"And try not to embarrass yourself when your ancestor arrives," Jonni scolded. "That last display was downright shameful!"

Louie returned a few moments later with Irwin following behind him.

"Ah, ladies!" said Irwin. "Why didn 't you tell me my company was of the female persuasion, Louie?"

"My apologies, sir," said Louie.

"Sorry ladies," said Irwin. "I don 't accept unsolicited social calls after hours, but Louie would be happy to get you a signed eight-by-ten glossy."

"We 're here on business, Mr. Schwartz, " said Jonni. "I 'm Jonni FDC and this young lady is ... Marcia. Marcia ... Brady. "

"FDC?" Irwin asked. "That 's an odd last name."

"I'm not from around here," Jonni answered. "We need your help on a case. "

Irwin perked up. "A case? What is it, ladies? Another "Twisted Claw"? Perhaps a "Disappearing Floor" this time? Another "Secret on Pirate's Hill "? The World 's Greatest Detective will solve them all!"

I had to admit I was impressed. "Isn 't he amazing?"

"Those are the names of Hardy Boys mysteries," said Jonni. "Mr. Schwartz we 're here about a missing holiday."

"Louie, get me the case files," Irwin instructed.

Louie returned with a cart of actual paper books! On the side of the cart were the words, "Property of Gotham Public Library."

"Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew? " Jonni asked. "Those aren 't case files!"

"And Donna Parker too!" Irwin shot back. "Louie, find the Case of the Missing Holiday!"

Louie searched the books. "Not among the regular files, sir. Should I break out the Encyclodpedia Brown? If I recall correctly there is a tome entitled "Encyclopedia Brown Saves the Day ". Perhaps it will provide some clues to the missing holiday therein."

"World 's Greatest Detective?" I asked. "You 're using children's mystery books!"

"Do you want my help or not?" Irwin asked.

"Okay! Okay!" said Jonni. "What next?"

"In absence of an existing case file we 'll need to visit Louie's cousin," Irwin explained. "He 's a treasure trove of arcane knowledge."

"Stanley? " Jonni asked.

"You know my cousin? " Louie asked.

"Let 's just say I know of him, " said Jonni.

"Then to my Schwartz-Cave! " said Irwin. He led us to his crime library and tilted back the head of a Shakespeare statuette. Underneath was a hidden button that opened a secret panel in the wall. There were two poles that led down into the abyss of the cave.

"Why two? " Jonni asked.

"One never knows when he will acquire an orphaned young ward from the circus, " Irwin explained. "Preferably one with an affinity for wearing green underwear and booties! "

Jonni and I glared at Irwin and shook our heads. Perhaps we misunderstood him.

"But if there was only one pole, couldn't one of you slide down first and then the other? " I asked.

"Who is the professional crime-fighter here? " Irwin shot back before he disappeared into the abyss of the cavern below.

Jonni and I slid down the poles after him to his underground lair. It was a world of spooky stalagmites and stalactites. Bats fluttered about in the dank underworld.

"Pardon the bats, " said Irwin. "I 've put in a call to Orkin but they haven't gotten back to me yet. "

"It's probably not healthy breathing in that ammonia odor, " said Jonni.

"You get used to the guano smell! " Irwin added. "Until the Orkin man shows up, I'll continue to rely on Louie sweeping it up into little doggie bags so we can toss them onto Commissioner Gordon's doorstep later. "

"Shouldn 't we get going? " I asked.

"You're right! " Irwin exclaimed. "To the Schwartz-Mobile! "

Gotham City Public Library

"Stanley is a librarian? " Jonni asked.

We walked along row after row of actual books shelved neatly from floor to ceiling in bookcases. Books were a rarity in my time.

Irwin nodded. "And Louie is his stand-in at librarian conventions. That 's where we got the library cart at stately Schwartz manor! Being a librarian has made Stanley a tome of arcane knowledge. It 's almost like he has some cosmic power or something! Can you imagine being entrusted to all this knowledge? Let 's say you want to know how to can tomatoes. Just ask Stanley and he 'll lead you to a book all about it. Did you know the boiling point for water is lower in higher elevations? "

We approached the front desk.A man in a dark suit and a long blue trench coat was working feverishly to check in a stack of overdue books while scolding the offending patron. "It is a mystery why you allow the return date of these tomes to expire on a regular basis. Haven 't you learned that there is always a price to pay? "

"How much this time? " the young man asked as he fidgeted like he had somewhere else to be.

The man behind the desk shook his head. "How much indeed! The monetary penance you refer to is minute compared to the price one pays within his conscience. Heed my warnings friend and return your library books on time from this time forth! "

"Look stranger, you caught me! I 'll admit it, " the young man argued. "I hoped I could return them and not go through all this hassle but you appeared out of nowhere like some phantom and caught me. But I was going to come back and pay the fine. After all I ... "

"Get paid Friday? " the mysterious librarian asked.

The young man grew more upset. "Dude! That 's spooky! Stop ... "

"Finishing your sentences? " the librarian asked.

The young man stormed out of the library.

"Cassandra, please return these books to their proper places on the shelves, " the librarian instructed.

"Yes, Stanley, " said a young library assistant dressed in a pink mini-dress and go-go boots.

"This is Stanley? " I asked.

Irwin turned to me. "Amazing, isn 't he? "

"Irwin! " said Stanley. "To what do I owe this pleasure? No wait let me guess ... "

"He 's great at this, " Irwin whispered.

"You have a great dilemma ... " said Stanley.

"You 're getting warm, " said Irwin.

"It involves super-gorillas, " Stanley guessed.

Irwin shook his head. "A little cold. "

"Did I say super-gorillas? " Stanley asked. "I meant Nazis. "

I couldn 't believe we were playing this stupid game. "Oh for the love of ... "

"There are women involved, " said Stanley.

Irwin 's face lit up. "Now you're on fire! "

"I sense they're in trouble, " said Stanley.

Irwin bounced with excitement. "You're burning up! "

"They 're seeking instruction in the joys of Sapphism! " Stanley exclaimed.

Irwin winced. "You 're getting cold again. At least I think so. Ladies? "

"He's way cold! " Jonni huffed. "I don't bat for Team Sappho. "

I wasn 't familiar with the term. "What is Sapphism? "

Jonni patted me on the back. "Just you never mind, dear. "

Irwin gestured for more information from Stanley as if he could somehow pull the right answers out of him with the proper hand signals.

"Give me a hint, " Stanley ordered.

"We 're here to restore a missing holiday that's been stolen, " I said.

"I've got it! " said Stanley. "They 're looking for "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas! "

"Hey, Phantom Librarian! " said Jonni. "Halloween is missing because a mysterious all-powerful being defeated a group of heroes sworn to protect it and we're trying to restore the cosmic balance! Sheesh! "

"Halloween is missing because a mysterious all-powerful being defeated a group of heroes sworn to protect it and you 're trying to restore the cosmic balance? " Stanley announced.

Irwin pointed excitedly at Stanley. "You 're still the man! You ... are ... so ...the ... man! What did I tell you? Stanley is a regular cosmic being! "

"Are you sure Halloween is this important? " I asked Jonni.

She buried her face in her hands. "Unfortunately, yes! "

"I don 't have any books about restoring missing holidays that I know of, " Stanley explained. "Perhaps if you consulted the card catalog? Are you familiar with the Dewey Decimal System? We have an online tutorial if you're not. "

"Well if you don 't have any books about that what about a copy of "The Mystery of the 99 Steps "? " Irwin asked. "I loaned mine to Jason Bard and he hasn 't returned it. I suspect he has an unnatural crush on young Nancy Drew! "

"Pamela Sue Martin or Julia Roberts' niece? " Stanley asked.

Ambush Bug lowered his head and shook it.

"Such a shame, " Stanley replied. "I thought Bard above such perversions. "

Jonni interrupted. "We were looking more along the lines of cosmic voodoo and quantum physics. "

"Why didn't you say so? " Stanley asked. He left momentarily and returned with a book titled "Cosmic Voodoo and Quantum Physics for Dummies ".

"You 've got to be kidding me, " said Jonni.

"That silver kid with the surfboard finally returned it, " Stanley huffed. "He recommended it highly. He said there was a convenient chapter on restoring the cosmic balance. "

I whispered to Jonni. "Is that another of ... "

"David's convenient plot-hole fixes? " Stanley asked. "Yes it is. You're very perceptive, young lady! "

I was proud of myself for getting the hang of these Not-So-Specials! "Thank you. "

Jonni took the book from Stanley and opened it to the proper chapter.We took the book to a large desk in the middle of the library to read it.

"Does it have pictures? " Irwin asked. "Or at least a few well-placed illustrations? "

"I can 't believe I'm descended from this moron, " I whispered to Jonni.

"Moron? " Jonni laughed. "This one is a brain surgeon compared to the real Irwin Schwartz! "

"Remind me why we're doing this again? " I asked.

We spent the next twenty minutes reading the chapter. Once we finished, Jonni read it a second time just to be sure we didn't leave out any important details.

" What is today? " Jonni asked.

"October 29^th, 2008, " Irwin answered. "Why? "

"Good! " said Jonni, scooping up the book. "To the clock tower! We don't have much time! "

Stanley stopped us at the door. "Hold on one minute! Do you ladies have a library card? No book leaves this library without being properly recorded."

I looked at Jonni and shrugged. I didn 't even know what a library card was. Luckily for us Irwin allowed us to use his.

"Now to the Clocktower! " Jonni cried.

 The Gotham City Clocktower

"Tell me again why we're here? " I asked.

Jonni rolled her eyes. "I've explained this a hundred times. Today is the day before the Halloween Thief steals the holiday. Because I 've experienced this day already I know that lightning will strike the Clocktower at precisely 10:04 pm tonight. "

"So?" I asked.

"I have to agree with Marcia Brady on this one, " said Irwin. "So? "

Jonni grabbed the book once again. "According to the book we need to place a lightning rod on the roof of the clocktower. We'll string a guide wire from the lightning rod across the street between the two adjacent buildings. "

"Why? " I asked.

"Because we need to generate 1.21 gigawatts of electricity to power the flux capacitor, " Jonni answered.

Irwin took the book from Jonni 's hands and looked over it. "I see a problem. "

"What kind of problem? " Jonni and I asked in unison.

Irwin turned the book around and pointed to an illustration of the flux capacitor. "We don 't have one of these.According to the book it takes about thirty-four years to build one. "

Jonni looked dejected. "Yeah, there 's that. "

"Wait a minute! " I exclaimed. "We could rewire the time drive from the time bubble and use it as a flux capacitor! "

"But that would take forever, " said Jonni.

"Not for me, " I answered. "Remember your science is primitive enough that I should be able to rig up something. "

"You're a science prodigy? " Irwin asked.

I shook my head. "Not exactly. "

"Then you 're a good science student? " Jonni asked.

Again, I shook my head. "That would be stretching it too. "

"Then why should we trust you with this monumental task? " Jonni asked.

"I bet you couldn't build a laser cannon, but if you went back in time to the Middle Ages you could still introduce them to gunpowder, " I explained.

"Hey! " said Irwin. "I suspect Marcia Brady isn 't from around here at all! In fact, I believe she 's from ... "

I nodded. Perhaps my ancestor's deductive powers were stronger than I gave him credit for after all. "I'm from the future. "

Irwin looked stunned. "Wow! I didn 't see that one coming! I was going to say Schenectady, but whatever. So what you're saying is that you're not very smart but because we're even less smart our technology is simple to you! "

"Great job! " I said. "Now those who couldn't follow this patchwork of a plot are caught up again! "

"And everything I know to be true is actually an alternate reality that came into being because the real me was defeated by my arch-enemy! You're trying to restore that reality and do away with this one! " Irwin continued.

Jonni feigned a laugh. "Oh don't be silly, Irwin! You take things too far! "

Irwin shrugged his shoulders. "Just a wild guess. "

Over the next few hours I retrieved the time drive from the time bubble and I rewired it. I was proud of my work. "All we need now is some sort of moving vehicle to use as our time machine. "

"You can use the Schwartz Mobile! " Irwin volunteered.

"Really? " Jonni asked. "You'd do that? "

Irwin nodded. "I peeked at the end while David was eating lunch. If I'm not going to be around then why not use my car? "

"You and Marcia Brady return to the cave and wire up the car with the time drive, " Jonni instructed. "I 'll stay here and make all the necessary preparations to the clock tower. "

It took a few hours for all the preparations to fall into place, but finally we were ready. The flux capacitor fit neatly into the trunk of the Schwartz Mobile. We attached a grappling hook to the trunk lid to make contact with the wires Jonni was working on. Irwin even taught me to drive! Outside, the skies were stormy (of course, it may be a Utopian version but it was still Gotham).

With everything neatly in place, we returned to the clock tower.

"Time? " Jonni asked.

Irwin looked at his ten-thousand dollar Rolex. "10:02. "

I hugged Irwin before climbing into the driver 's seat of the Schwartz Mobile. "If we 're successful, all this will fade away, including the both of us. I just want you to know that I'm not really Marcia Brady. I 'm your Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter. "

"Then I suppose it would be inappropriate to French you for good luck, huh? " Irwin asked.

I pushed him away "Are you sick? What a perv! "

Irwin shrugged. "Hey! I'm a knockoff of a comic character so geeky that only a handful of fanboys know the real me and you 're hot! You can 't blame a guy for trying! "

I bit my bottom lip and smiled while opening the door. "You think I'm hot? "

Jonni reached across the car from the passenger's side and pulled me into the driver 's seat. "Same old Irwin! A pig in any reality! "

I shut the door and started the car.

Irwin removed his watch. "Here, I want you to have this. "

"Your watch? " I asked. "It's worth a fortune! "

Irwin nodded. "It's more precise than the one in the car. "

Perhaps my ancestor was a hero after all!

I drove a couple of blocks to the line Jonni painted on the street. She estimated that the designated starting point was the proper distance to allow the grappling hook on the trunk to make contact with the lightning-charged wire suspended between the buildings at the precise moment the car reached eighty-eight miles per hour.

"Now! " said Jonni. "Floor it! "

I pushed the gas pedal to the floor and raced toward the guide wire.

Jonni looked at the speedometer. "Something 's not right! We 're only going forty-five miles per hour! We should be moving thirty miles per hour faster at this point! What 's wrong with this Delorean? "

"Delorean? " I asked. "What 's that? "

"It's a brand of car, " Jonni explained.

I shook my head. "If I recall correctly, Irwin called the Schwartz Mobile something different. "

Jonni ran her fingers through her hair. "Oh no! What did he call it? Do you remember? "

The name escaped me at the moment. "You're from this century! Don 't you know your cars? "

Jonni shook her head. "I'm a girl! They all look the same to me!Besides, I'm a nigh-omnipotent cosmic being! I don 't have use for something as mundane as an automobile! "

"When your powers are working correctly! "I spat.

Jonni placed her hand over mine on the gear shift. "Irwina, it 's important that you remember what kind of car this is. Think hard. "

I looked around the cabin. "Shouldn 't there be a logo or something?"

Jonni joined me in searching but our efforts proved futile. "Freakin' egomaniac removed all the logos and replaced them with "Schwartz Mobile!"

I watched the speedometer rise as we raced toward the guide wire. It now topped Fifty-five miles per hour. "You ... something. "

"You ... something? " Jonni asked. "You mean it started with a 'you' sound? "

I nodded. "You ... you ... Yugo! That 's it! He said it was a Yugo! "

Jonni screamed.

"What's wrong? " I asked.

"The Schwartz Mobile is a Yugo? " Jonni answered.

I nodded.

"We're screwed, " said Jonni. "I doubt an old used Yugo can even reach eighty-eight miles per hour. "

"What are we going to do? " I asked as I watched the speedometer creep up to fifty-eight miles per hour.

"Only one thing left to do, " said Jonni. "I'll have to augment the engine with my powers! "

I slammed on the brakes and the car slowed to a grinding halt. "But you said ... "

"What are you doing? " Jonniscreamed. "Drive! I know what I said but it's our only chance! "

I mashed the accelerator once more and the car picked up speed. An opossum ran across the road in front of us three times before the speedometer reached thirty-five miles per hour.

Jonni concentrated hard and suddenly the car picked up speed.

SPLAT!!!!!

"Poor opossum! " I exclaimed.

The speedometer shot up to sixty-five miles per hour.

"Time? " Jonni asked.

I looked at the Rolex. "Aw crap!"

"What? " Jonni asked.

"This isn 't a Rolex! " I said. "It 's a cheap Timex! You'd think a billionaire playboy could afford ... "

"Time? " Jonni screamed.
I checked the watch. "10:03 and thirty-four seconds! "

The speedometer was at eighty-three miles per hour and climbing! Overhead the skies grew ominous. A large cloud settled over the clock tower and began to flash heat lightning. The pent-up energy finally erupted and sent a bolt hurling earthward.

"What the sprock? " I shouted. "It hit Irwin!"

I started to fade. "Jonni? "

"It 's the Butterfly Effect! Irwin obviously dies from the lightning strike so you will cease to exist!" Jonni explained. "Think corporeal thoughts! "

"Crap! Crap! Crap! " I cursed.

"Those are not corporeal thoughts! " said Jonni.

Just when I thought I would bite the farm, Irwin rushed forward with lightning still dancing all over his body and threw himself onto the hood of the car.

An instant later we arrived in Metropolis 2008 AD. The windows of the buildings downtown were decorated in orange and black. Creepy-looking figures loomed everywhere from the store fronts. It was like the merchants were trying to scare their customers away! What a strange society!

A group of costumed beings wrestled on Broadway with a villain with an equal predisposition to wearing his underwear on the outside of his clothes. Rather than a single motif, his costume was a hodge-podge of different characters.In order to cover another plot hole, I must confess that I read enough literature in Stanley's library to recognize some of them. He wore a Holly Hobby bonnet on his head. His face was covered by a Lone Ranger mask. His shirt was all Luke Skywalker white, with a Planet of the Apes bandolier strapped across it. On his left hand was a green Aquaman glove. His right was covered with a white, sequined Michael Jackson glove. He wore Buzz Lightyear pants and paired the ensemble with Flapper boots.

"Those garish costumes! Who would wear such things? " I asked.

"Children, Broadway actors, and super-heroes! " said Jonni. "We did it! This is the battle Ambush Bug and his associates lost to the Halloween Thief! "

I wheeled the Yugo around and raced toward the action. Jonni and I got out of the car and joined the fray.

"What can we do to help, Bug? " Jonni asked.

"Use your super-mumbo-jumbo on him! " Ambush Bug ordered. "And have the cute chick get me a milkshake from Zeppo Burger! Chocolate Delight!"

Jonni was right! He was a pig in any reality, but that pig gave his life to save our skins, or at least a version of him did. I hate time-traveling, dimension-hopping stories! "I don 't have the proper currency for this era. "

The Halloween Thief attacked a rabbit the others called Captain Carrot. I was surprised when the rabbit knocked him into a building two blocks away. Someone ate his carrots growing up! The Thief bounced right back. This time Ambush Bug led a group called the Inferior Five to charge him.

Jonni filled me in on their names and powers as the battle progressed. The White Feather sent a volley of arrows into the air. When they hit the ground they formed prison bars but unfortunately, the arrows fell around his teammate Merryman rather than the Halloween Thief. Luckily for both, Awkward Man crashed into the bars and wrecked the makeshift prison. The Blimp grabbed Dumb Bunny and floated over the Halloween Thief's head. He dropped her but instead of crashing down on the villain's head, he caught her.

"Shouldn't we do something Mr. Peabody?" cried a bespectacled young man to a ... dog?

The dog shook his head. "Peabody here. No, Sherman. The Wayback Machine shows that events have already been set into place that will bring an end to this pitiful caper!"

"But I feel so helpless!" Sherman cried.

Mr. Peabody approached the Halloween Thief and kicked him in the groin. "In that case, perhaps a swift kick to the perpetrator's manhood will make you feel better! "

The Halloween Thief dropped Dumb Bunny.

Sherman took his cue from his mentor and delivered a well-placed kick of his own. "You 're right, Mr. Peabody! I do feel better!"

The Halloween Thief turned to them. "Would you two stop doing that? I call no more knap sack pinball right now! "

"But ... " Sherman protested.

Mr. Peabody shook his head. "Sorry Sherman old boy, but the man did call it first. Those are now the rules."

Soon the battle raged again and the ridiculous meter jumped off the scale when the monsters from the Monster Cereal boxes joined the fray.

"Okay! Enough of this! "I yelled. "Stop it before I kill my stupid self!"

The battle slowed to a halt.

"Is there a problem? " asked the Halloween Thief.

I marched up to him and stood nose to nose. "You tell me. What's this rampage all about?"

The Halloween Thief was quick to answer. "I hate Halloween!"

Peabody and Sherman stripped a nearby automobile and laid the front seat in the street.

"Lie down here, my good man, " Peabody instructed. "Perhaps we can reach a suitable ending Freudian style. Tell me about your mother."

"What do you want to know about her?" the Thief replied.

Peabody beamed. "Is she single?"

I threw my hands up in disgust. "Are all characters in this century horn-dogs? Why do you hate Halloween?"

The Halloween Thief slumped forward. "I was one of those kids who wore his Halloween costume all year long."

The heroes snickered.

"What kind of schmuck wears a Halloween costume all year long?" Ambush Bug laughed. "I bet you got beat up a lot!"

The Halloween Thief nodded. "I swore I 'd put an end to Halloween. If I couldn't enjoy it then no one was going to!"

"Such a selfish cur!" said Dumb Bunny.

"Let me get this straight, " I said. "You want to do away with Halloween and they want to preserve it?"

"That's the gist of it, " said the Halloween Thief. "Right guys?"

The heroes nodded in agreement. "That sounds about right."

I put my arm around the Halloween Thief's shoulders and led him to the Yugo. "Then I have an answer to all your problems.I 'm from an alternate future where there is no Halloween! This car can take you there. Thanks to David's convenient plot-hold patches, there should be enough chronal energy left for one more jump."

The Halloween Thief's face lit up. "Really? You'd do that for me?"

I nodded. "It's a win-win for everybody. You get no Halloween. They get Halloween. The reader and I get an end to this pitiful tale. To think I turned down a cameo in DC's new "Booster Gold " series for this drivel! I could have been "woman on street"! "

The Halloween Thief hopped in the Yugo and turned the key. The car coughed to a start.

"Now how do I operate this thing?" asked the Halloween Thief.

I gave him a quick tutorial on how to operate the time-drive/flux-capacitor and he sped down the street. The car began to fade from sight.

"Think corporeal thoughts!" I yelled after him.

Once the Thief disappeared everyone gathered around to congratulate me for saving Halloween.

All except one.

Ambush Bug moped away from the crowd with a long face.

"Where are you going? " I asked.

The Bug 's head dropped. "I 'm supposed to be the one who saves Halloween. This is my Not-So-Special and I flubbed it up and had to be rescued myself."

Jonni and I laughed.

"Oh sure, rub it in!" said Ambush Bug. "Kick a bug while he's down! "

Sherman kicked him in the groin. "You didn 't call no knap sack pinball!"

Ambush Bug doubled over and winced in pain. "Son of a ... no more knap sack pinball! "

"You don't understand, " said Jonni. "This is Irwina Schwartz! She's your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter!"

Ambush Bug straightened up slowly and sighed.

"Why so glum chum?" asked Captain Carrot.

"I was going to French her," Ambush Bug answered.

Jonni slapped him for me. "Big picture, Schwartz! Big picture! If she's your descendant and she saved Halloween, it means you 're responsible for her very existence and ... "

"My studly nature saved Halloween after all!"Ambush Bug beamed.

Everyone laughed.

"What's so funny about that?" Ambush Bug yelled. "I made her and she's hot! That makes me a stud! "

"Hey wait, Irwina!" said Jonni. "You sent the Halloween Thief to a time and place that no longer exists! He 'll be trapped in limbo forever!"

I hadn 't thought about that. Since when was I an authority on the intricacies of time travel among myriad alternate realities?

"Oops ... my bad, " I answered. "Maybe FDC can persuade Mike Hintze to write a weekly for their site and bring him back?"

"I 'd settle for another issue of JSA, " Peabody huffed. "Or Miry 's Titans or Ralph 's Superman or ... "

"So that wraps it up? " asked Ambush Bug.

Stanley ... er, the Phantom Stranger appeared among us. "Indeed it does, Ambush Bug! And the guys at the Lodge are very upset! All of us bet against you saving Halloween this year! Only one nigh-omnipotent cosmic being bet you 'd save it!"

"Someone up there believes in me? " Bug asked.

Louie shook his head and pointed to Jonni. "Not up there! Down here!"

Jonni removed a big wad of bills from her purse. "That'll teach those insufferable cosmic yahoos to put me in limbo for a thousand years as a practical joke!"

"Now we sing Halloween Carols!" Ambush Bug announced.

"Um ... Bug, " said Dumb Bunny. "I don 't believe there are any Halloween Carols. "

"Then we already have a head start on next year 's Not-So-Special! " said Louie.

I shook my head. "Count me out. Once was enough for me! "

Ambush Bug put his arm around me. "You're obligated now for all time! David will drag you in every year. Are you sure we can't French? "

I elbowed him in the ribs.

Happy Halloween indeed!