Because It’s A Sad But True FDC Tradition…

The Halloween Not-So-Special #4

“The Fourth Dimension”

by that retired guy who bores you every year with another one of these asinine tales

“So where are we?” Louie asked.

“FDC Land,” I replied. I could sense this was one of those times when Louie was about to pelt me with an endless barrage of exposition questions.
                Louie scratched his nearly-bald head. “FDC Land? I’ve never heard of it.”

“That’s because it’s an interdimensional plot device convenient for getting bad stories off to a start when the writer can think of nothing else,” I explained. “David uses it all the time. I meet him here every year to iron out the details of the Halloween Special.”

“You mean that garbage is actually plotted?” Louie asked.

I nodded. “Sad, but true my friend.”

“Hey Bug,” said Louie. “You just called me friend.”

It was true. I called him friend. And I meant it too. Louie was the Phantom Stranger’s cousin who often stood in for him at conventions, summer events, and sometimes at FDC where no one would know the difference. He and I saved the last three Halloweens together. “Anyone that cares so much about the All Saint’s Eve is a friend of mine.”

“And because I’m Stanley’s cousin?” Louie asked.

Stanley was the Phantom Stranger’s real name, but not a lot of people know that so don’t go blabbing it around. Ok? Louie told me Stanley began using the Phantom Stranger alias during fifth grade when all the other godlike beings made fun of his name.

“And because you’re Stanley’s cousin,” I admitted.

Louie beamed. “I’m just glad I have a friend to share things with – good beer, good movies, a comfortable couch, your deodorant, your toothbrush…”

“Hey!” I shouted. “There are some things a man doesn’t share! Who said you could drink my beer?”

Louie pointed towards a building with two mirrors leaned up against it. “What’s that?”

“That’s the Hall of Mirrors,” I explained as we approached the building. “It’s full of mirrors that distort your image in various ways to make you look funny.”

“That sounds like a riot!” said Louie. He rushed toward the mirrors and struck a muscleman pose.

“Hey Bug! Check me out! Don’t I look ridiculous?” Louie asked as he admired his reflection.

I chose the other mirror and went through my favorite bodybuilding routine. “You sure do! Look at me!”

 “Look how skinny that mirror makes you look Bug!” Louie howled.  “Those spindly arms! And those toothpick legs! You look like Olive Oyl’s and Popeye’s lovechild!”

I doubled over in laughter. “That’s a good one!  And you look like an uneducated, slovenly pig! How many chins do you actually have? And that beer gut it’s… it’s… BWAHAHAHA!”

“Excuse me gentlemen.” A park official stood over us.

We stopped laughing. I looked up and gulped. “Did we do something wrong?”

The official shook his head. “Not at all! We’re remodeling the public restrooms and laid these mirrors here until we were ready for them.”

 He waved four large men over to the building. They grabbed the mirrors, and hauled them away.

“But they’re trick mirrors,” Louie argued.

The man looked slightly embarrassed. “No sir. They’re not.”

Louie stood. “But we just saw two buffoo…”

I picked myself up off the pavement and elbowed Louie in the gut. “Balloons! We spotted two balloons floating over the park in these mirrors. So you can understand why we have such a reluctance to have them moved. What if the park was under attack from an alien invasion force? If these mirrors were left against the building you could see them coming.”

The man got that same look Supes does whenever I make a brilliant suggestion to him. “We’ll… keep that in mind.”

And like that the man and his crew were gone.

“Well that was certainly embarrassing,” I said.

“What was so embarrassing about it?” Louie asked. We got to see ourselves all distorted and looking funny. It reminded me of that old Justice League comic back in the sixties when…”

A brilliant light exploded before us. Inside the light was indescribable blackness like looking at the heart of the devil himself. This black void rushed toward us. It grew larger and finally took on the form of a man.  It drew closer and closer until…

“Ow!” the man shouted.

I recognized the voice immediately.

“Stanley?” Louie asked. “What are you doing here?”

The void didn’t open wide enough and Stanley bumped his head trying to squeeze out of the swirling eddy of skewed reality and psychedelic transmagorphia. It was all very exotic looking – imagine Aishwarya Rai dressed as a Star Trek alien.

“Darn Impossible Mans thinks he’s funny adjusting my Little-Dark-Circle-in-Space Maker! Just because Rama Kushna and I gave him a wedgie in front of Kismet and Desire! The nerve of that imp! And in front of mortals no less!” Stanley swore.  “And don’t call me Stanley!”

“My! My! Someone has his cosmic boxers in a bunch!” I said. “What’s the problem, P.S?”

 “I came to warn you about the Halloween Special this year!” Stan… the Phantom Stranger answered.

“Yeah, I have some great ideas this year! David will love them! A crossover with ‘Mazing Man!” I announced proudly.

Stanley shook his head. “You don’t understand.”

“Or what about a crossover with Angel and the Ape?” Stanley asked. “That Angel is one hot babe!”

“No gentlemen,” said Stanley. “You really don’t understand. David retired.”

“Retired?” I asked. “He’s not that old.”

“If anything it should give him even more time to write,” Louie added. For once, he made an excellent point.

Stanley sighed. “Let me put it another way. You know how David writes stories at FDC?”

Louie and I nodded in unison.

“The stories no one reads,” Stanley continued.

Again we nodded.

“Well he’s no longer writing them!” said Stanely. “Something about writer’s block and being burnt out.”

“What?” I shrieked like a little girl. “He can’t do this to me! That no good, lousy bum! I bet he makes time for his precious Higher Learning crap! Stupid creator-owned series!”

“I was reading the Editor’s List the other night and he confirmed he would do Higher Learning from time to time,” Stanley answered. 

I threw my hands up in the air. “I knew it! It’s like the hubris of the Gods! Talk about shameless self-promotion! What makes a self-effacing, fanfic writer believe anyone would want to read his drivel about established characters, let alone those that don’t actually exist in a real comic book?”

Stanley looked embarrassed.

“What?” I asked. “No! Tell me you don’t!”

Stanley nodded. “Yes, I read it! We all do.”

“We?” I asked.

“Me and they guys at the lodge,” Stanley replied.

“What?” I shouted. “Why?”

“It’s hard to explain,” Stanley answered. “It’s kind of like one of those new Fall shows Fox unveils every year with its young, good-looking cast and syrupy, one-dimensional storylines, and you don’t want to tell anyone else you watch it.”

“Don’t tell me you watched the O.C. too?” I shouted.

Stanley slumped forward. He had every right to look so ashamed.

“What I want to know is why Broome and Infantino wasted all that cosmic power on a godlike being who watched the O.C.?” I shouted.

“I tried to warn Ryan that an Earthquake was coming to Newport but would he listen? Nooooo!” Stanley added defiantly.

“You appeared on the show too?” Louie huffed. “My contract says that should have been me!”

“I know. I know,” Stanley answered. “But it was off-camera!”

“Oh, then I forgive you,” said Louie.

“I didn’t know you guys even had cable in the nether realms,” I said.

“I used the Phantom Stranger powers to hack into your cable feed,” Stanley admitted.

I was livid. “No wonder my cable was cut off! Do you know how hard it is for a super-villain to reform? And now I have an image to protect! I’m the Embodiment of the Halloween Spirit! The Burl Ives of Halloween! The…”

“Yeah, yeah, we’ve read the last three Specials,” said Stanley.

“And you hacked into my cable box so you could watch the O.C.?” I asked

Stanley lifted an index finger to his lips. “Shh… Someone will hear!”

“You know I could go to jail if they want to press charges?” I asked.

“It… It wasn’t all my idea,” said Stanley.

“Who else is involved?” I asked.

“I don’t want to say,” said Stanley.

“Tell me!” I demanded.

Stanley sighed. “The Watcher.”

“Don’t you find it suspicious, Louie, that every time Stanley screws up, he blames some poor sap in the Marvel Universe?” I asked.

“Yeah! Now that you mention it, there is a pattern!” Louie agreed. “The Sins of Youth!”

“Who was it that time?” I asked.

“Abraxas,” Louie replied.

“Just Imagine… Stan Lee Reimagines the DC Universe!” I shouted.

“He blamed that one on a wager between Mogo and Ego,” Louie answered.

“And who can forget Miry’s server crash last year?” I asked.

Stanley thought hard for a moment. “Oh yeah! He blamed that one on Galactus! Said he devoured the hard drive!”

“There is something amiss here!” said Louie.

“Gentlemen! Gentlemen!” said Stanley. “Please! Let he who is without sin cast the first reboot! I came to help!”

“With what?” I asked.

Stanley sighed. “The whole point of this blathering story (if you can call it that). David retired and there will be no Ambush Bug Halloween Not-So-Special this year!”

I was getting frustrated. “I tell you what! Let’s skip to the part where Louie and I meet some cool guest stars and we save Halloween again this year!”

“Yeah! What do we have to do, Stanley?” Louie asked.  “We’re already five pages into a Word Document and we still don’t have a real story.”

“Good point,” Stanley replied. “I suggest you travel to the Fourth Dimension and confront the scoundrel! After all, it’s not often I get a comic relief gig! This affects me too!”

“So poof us over there!”  I demanded.

Stanley shook his head. “It’s not that easy. There are rules to follow.”

I put my hands on my hips. “Like what?”

“That kind of thing is more up Jonni FDC’s alley than mine,” Stanley replied.

Why didn’t I think of that? After all, Jonni gave me the magic coin to use anytime Louie and I needed her. Of course, she always arrived angry, but after a few poorly-penned paragraphs Louie and I convinced her that her powers were once again needed.  And no matter how cantankerous she was, she was grateful for the work.

“You’re a freakin’ genius, Stanley!” I exclaimed. I removed the magic coin from my pocket and rubbed it three times. “C’mon Jonni! Daddy needs a new pair of shoes!”

“I thought you wanted to save Halloween?” Louie asked.

My sigh was interrupted by a puff of green smoke.  That was a new trick. Jonni never did that before. She always… What the heck?

“Hey Bug! I think you rubbed the wrong coin! This isn’t Jonni!” Louie cried.

“Excuse me?” asked the little green ink blot guy with the weird logo that stepped out of the smoke. “I am indeed Johnny. Johnny FDC at your service.”

Was this someone’s sick idea of a joke? A holiday was at stake and I’m sent a crossdressing ink blot from hell?  “Who are you? I asked.

The Green Ink Blot-Guy with the weird DC logo bowed and grinned. “Again, I am Johnny FDC and since you have one of those magic coin thingies, I assume this is either another Crisis, in which you are up a well-known creek without the equally well-known paddle since I only handle events dealing with the Kid’s FDC, or this is a satire piece. If this is indeed a satire, I am not amused.”

Mr. Corporate Kiddie-Lite logo made me pine for Jonnie and her course, vulgar griping about interrupting another one of her dates.

“What is the Kid’s FDC?” Louie asked.

Stanley interjected some reason into the situation. “Gentlemen, surely you’ve read the disclaimer on the first page of the FDC site?”

“Read?” Louie asked. “Us?”

We enjoyed a good belly-laugh about that one.

“You’re a riot Stanley,” I said.

Stanley continued. “It says, “The DC Universe of characters, which includes 90% of all the ones written about on this site, their images and logos are all legally copyrighted to DC Comics and its parent company of Time/Warner. We make absolutely no claim that they belong to us. We're just a bunch of fans with over active imaginations and a love of writing.”

“Yeah. So?” I asked.

“That whole part about Time/Warner, you putz!” Green Ink Blot Guy with the Weird DC Logo shouted.  “The corporate big wigs decided they wanted to do a kid’s line of comics based on the animated adventures of some of the real DC’s biggest stars on the Kid’s WB. They wanted a kid-friendly mascot and dipped the company pen into DC’s history, and – voila!  I have replaced your precious Jonni!”

“Even at FDC?” Louie asked. “Because the last sentence of that disclaimer clearly states that the hacks who write here are just fans with little imagination and enough disposable income to have a computer in their homes that is connected to the internet.”

“I believe your interpretive skills could use some work, Louie,” Stanely replied.

“It doesn’t matter,” Green Ink Blot Guy replied. “By proxy, I replace Jonni FDC as well.”

My world was unraveling quickly. First David retired and put the Halloween Specials in jeopardy. That meant that Halloween was on the chopping block as well, since Louie and I save it every year. And now a beloved friend was retconned? What a nightmare! I dare one of those other hacks to write a scarier Halloween story!

“But Jonni was our friend,” Louie sniffed.

“Do you want my help or not?” asked Green Ink Blot Guy.

“Before you answer, we’re on page seven,” Stanley reminded us.

I sighed. “Ok, but this isn’t over Green Ink Blot Guy with the Weird DC Logo!”

“How may I help you?” GIBG asked.

“We need to travel to the Fourth Dimension and talk to David,” I replied.

GIBG stroked his chin thoughtfully. “I don’t know. It’s a long and difficult journey.”

“We’ll risk it,” I answered. “After all we’re going to save Halloween!”

“Ok you talked me into it,” said GIBG. “If for no other reason than to save myself further embarrassment by appearing in this sham of a story!”

That was a good enough endorsement for me. “Let’s do it!”

Louie and I blinked and a millisecond later we arrived in an old, abandoned amusement park at night. The full moon cut through the heavy fog and tugged at the shadows. The rides swerved and looped but were empty.  The Tilt-A-Whirls spun like batter in a blender. Each pass of the Scrambler looked as if its arms would collide into one another but at the last possible moment they jerked the empty cars in another direction. Silhouetted against the relief of the full moon, the roller coaster clicked and clacked its way to the top of the first hill.

“Where are we?” Louie asked.

I shook my head. “I don’t know, but something isn’t quite right. Be on your toes!”

“Of course something’s not right,” Louie replied. “The park is going full steam and we’re the only ones here!”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that old chum. I’m sure we’ll…. Louie?”

My partner was no longer at my side. He was engaged with an invisible cotton candy vendor.

“One,” Louie instructed. “Blue!”

A blue bag of air-whipped confection floated from the candy stand into Louie’s hand. The cash register rang up “FREE”.

“This place wouldn’t be half bad if they’d take down the creepy clown posters!” said Louie. 

Clown posters! That was it! I turned my gaze to the clicking-clacking roller coaster. It crested at the peak of the hill. That’s when I saw the two figures bound to the lead car!

“Louie! We’ve got to save them!”

We rushed to the roller coaster and quickly found its control station. Another mystery awaited inside the control station. A girl was tied to the tracks - and not just any girl! It was Batgirl!

Kinda.

She wasn’t quite as curvy as the babe from my own world, but at least she was in costume and not playing a two-bit computer hacker!  Birds of Prey indeed! Forgive this Bug’s fetishes, but I prefer my monthly dose of Batgirl swinging from a Batrope!  Don’t get me wrong.  This Batgirl wasn’t unattractive, but I had to squint to keep her from looking like a twelve year old. And I was no villain!

I rushed to Batgirl’s side and removed her gag. “Don’t worry! I’m here to save you!”

“Forget about me!” said Batgirl. “Save Batman and Robin! The Joker tied them to the front of that roller coaster and packed it with dynamite! It’s rigged to explode if the brakes are engaged. The world can do without a Batgirl, but it needs a Dynamic Duo!”

Meanwhile the roller coaster wound around the serpentine track with its crime-busting duo attached to the lead car.

“Holy conundrum, Bug Man!” said Louie. “What are we going to do?”

“She’s right!” I replied. “The world can live without a Batgirl! Let’s save the Dynamic Duo.”

“On the other hand,” Batgirl purred. “I do look better out of my Bat-suit than either of them and would be eternally grateful if I didn’t die. And I know Harley Quinn. She’s sweet on the girls you know. It could make for quite a show.  What will it be boys? Me and Harley or the Ambiguously Gay Duo?”

She made an excellent point.  What kind of self-respecting Dark Knight hung out with young boys and made them wear nothing but bright red button-up shirts, a yellow cape and green underwear? Why save them when there was a perfectly good-looking redhead I could save instead?

Batman or Batgirl? The closeted pedophile shrouded in gothic imagery or the babe?

As the rollercoaster rounded the final bend and made its way into the station, I finally decided! I rushed to the brake and pulled it back hard.

“No!” cried Batgirl. “It will explode!”

The coaster came to a stop within inches of the Bat-Babe.

“Why it would have never hit me in the first place!” Batgirl exclaimed.

“Nor was the dynamite rigged to explode!” said Batman.

As Louie and I freed the Bat Family from their bonds, the World’s Greatest Detective grilled me for information.  “That was a risky gamble,” said Batman. “How were you so sure the roller coaster station wouldn’t blow?”

“Easy,” I replied. “This is a freakin’ KID’S COMIC, moron! Nothing really bad is going to happen! You think supermarket moms are going to buy hardcore crime drama for their lovable tykes?”

“Really?” Robin asked. “We don’t have to worry about the Joker or Two-Face or Penguin or ….”

I shook my head. “What’s the worst that going to happen? The Joker sprays you with a little smiley gas? Please! So you laugh a little? It would do you guys some good. Hell, it would do Gotham City some good. It’s like one big Gothic support group.”

“And if that ain’t reason enough,” said Louie “look at your costumes!”

Batman’s eyes narrowed into menacing slits. “What’s wrong with our costumes? I think we look sharp and classic!”

Robin stepped between Louie and the Dark Knight. “I have to go with the stranger on this one. You’re not the one dressed like some pedophile’s homoerotic fantasy!”

“Batgirl, tell these imbeciles…” Batman protested.

Batgirl scratched her chin. “I don’t know. It does look funny now that they mention it.”

“Homoerotic fantasy!  Why that was a good one, Boy Blunder!” It was the Joker.  For some inexplicable reason I could only attribute to awkward plot pacing, he rushed into the station with that “I- have-to-monologue-my-plans-to-my-foe” look on his face. 

“You were a fool to come here, Joker!” said Batman.

Ah, but can’t you read?” Joker asked. “This is the part of the story where I launch into totally unrealistic exposition so the reader can follow the plot!”

Before we could do or say anything else we were pulled away from the scene and fell helplessly through an impossibly blue sky. Both Louie and I screamed for help at the top of our lungs.

“I wish I brought a parachute!” I cried.

“I wish we could have stayed long enough to watch Batgirl and Harley!” Louie screamed.

Before I could answer, a spaceship fired on us. It was loaded to the gills with battle armaments and darkened the sky like a Star Destroyer on steroids.

“Give us a break, will ya?” I shouted. “We’re already falling for God’s sake!”

“And we missed Batgirl and Harley!” Louie added.

“What he said!” I echoed.

Menacing laser beams erupted from the mysterious ship’s underbelly and streaked toward me in slow motion. I closed my eyes and waited for the end. Would it hurt? Would it feel like sticking a coat hanger into an outlet?  Or getting punched by Superman? Or perhaps like a girl catching me in her svelte, muscular arms? What the heck? I opened my eyes. “Hawkgirl? What are you doing here?”

“Thank you would be more appropriate,” Hawkgirl replied.  

“Where’s Hawkman?” I asked.

Hawkgirl wrinkled her nose in disgust. “How would I know? I’m not that nutjob’s keeper!”

“And if I ever get my hands on him…” said John Stewart, the Green Lantern.  He caught Louie in a giant green catcher’s mitt.

Wonder Woman dived from what I assume was her invisible plane and landed on the firing behemoth.  “Perhaps if we cripple the head the rest will give up!”

The Amazon Warrior punched a hole in the hull of the giant ship, causing it to reel to and fro.  For a moment it looked as if it would fall, but then it split into three sections. Wonder Woman perched upon the fore section while the two smaller ships doubled back around and fired upon her. She easily deflected the blasts with her amazing… bracelets. I hoped she got a lifetime warranty on them!

Hawkgirl tossed me into the air once more.  “Looks like Wonder Woman could use some help!”

“What the… You guys aren’t supposed to be like this!” I cried.

As I plunged to the Earth once more, Hawkgirl took out one of the attacking drones with a single swing of her mace! Since when was her mace that strong?

My awe melted into unbridled fear as I realized I was still falling. “Someone help me! I’m going to report the lot of you to the Superheroes union!”

Whump! Someone caught me! What a freakin’ relief! It was my old pal Superman! “Heya Supes! Long time no see!”

Superman leered at me. “Do I know you?”

“Of course you do!” I replied. “It’s your old pal, Ambush Bug!”

“Never heard of you!” said Supes. “GL, catch!” Once more I was tossed like a toy, this time to Green Lantern. I joined Louie in the safe harbor of a verdant bubble construct.

“Wow, look!” said Louie. “Everything’s a pretty shade of green from in here!”

Superman and Wonder Woman worked together and took out the remaining section of the ship. In moments the battle was over and the lot of us set down on the ground below.

“What do you know about this alien invasion?” Superman asked.

I was aghast! “Come on, Supes! This is no longer funny!”

“This man claims to know me,” said Superman. “But I’ve never met him before in my life!”

“What about the other one?” Hawkgirl asked. “I could take his head off with one swing!”

“Wait one darn minute!” I yelled. “If anyone is going to lose their head around here it’s going to be me!”

Hawkgirl shrugged and hefted her mace.

Superman caught the glowing weapon on her backswing. “No one is going to lose their head! Mr. Bug, I suggest you start talking!”

“I’ll level with you,” I started. “I’m from another world obviously…”

“I knew he was involved with the alien invasion!” Hawkgirl huffed.

“No! No!” I answered. “I’m from a different Earth.  I am the Spirit of Halloween and this year there won’t be a FauxDC Ambush Bug story because my stupid writer retired!”

The heroes gasped.

“The nerve of that hack!” said Superman.

“This writer may have done you a favor,” said Wonder Woman. “I’ve been victimized by some terrible writing through the years.”

“You?” Hawkgirl cried. “So you lost your powers and ran around in a white jumpsuit doing karate for awhile? Big deal! I’ve gone from being a Golden Age sidekick to a Silver Age mainstay to a Hawkgod avatar-thingie that I don’t even understand myself, and then died and came back in my niece’s body! And to top all that off, now I’m here in this animated universe with yet another origin!”

“Like I haven’t had my origin toyed with!” Wonder Woman huffed. “I wasn’t always made of clay you know!”

“Enough!” Superman ordered. “Not another word out of either of you or I’ll go into the whole emasculation John Byrne did on me after the Crisis! I could move planets from their orbits! Planets, I say! Now look at me! Every two-bit crook with a decent gimmick can punch me through a wall!”

“So you know what I’m up against!” I exclaimed.

Green Lantern nodded. “How can we help you?”

“We’re trying to reach the Fourth Dimension and speak to our writer,” said Louie.

“Who’s the balding guy with bad hygiene?” Hawkgirl asked, pointing to Louie. “Looks like a refugee from a comic shop!”

“I’m Louie, the Phantom Stranger’s cousin,” my partner explained. “I fill in for him at conventions, bar mitzvahs, and at FDC! You know, the crappy gigs!”

“I didn’t know the Phantom Stranger had family,” said Wonder Woman suspiciously.

Louie nodded and practically beamed with pride. “Oh yeah! Stanley’s the greatest!”

“Wait!” said Green Lantern. “Stanley? The Phantom Stranger’s name is Stanley?”

Louie covered his mouth. “Darn! It slipped again, Bug!”

 “Stanley!” Superman howled. “Old creepy’s real name is Stanley!”

The heroes shared a belly laugh.

I hated to interrupt them but the tale was growing longer and the reader’s patience shorter. “Excuse me? The Fourth Dimension?”

Before the heroes could answer, Louie and I were drawn away again.  This time we arrived in some kind of futuristic vision. The buildings were impossibly tall. Air cars zipped through the sky. There were floating billboards and everything was made of plastic. I wasn’t sure where we were but knew that the approaching hover platform could not be a good thing.

“Halt in the name of the Science Police!” said a man in a funny uniform.

“The what?” Louie asked.

“I think he said Science Police,” I whispered in reply. “I’m not sure if that makes him an editor of science textbooks at McGraw-Hill or a future version of Sting that experiments on lab rats.”

“If he breaks into a chorus of “Roxanne” we’ll know,” Louie whispered back.

Suddenly we were surrounded by brightly-clad youngsters in costumes. One of them, a young red-haired boy with twin lightning bolts on his chest spoke first. “Is there a problem officer?”

“These men appeared out of nowhere, Live Wire!” said Sting.

“What were they doing?” asked a pony-tailed blonde girl dressed in pink and white.

“That’s just it, Saturn Girl!” said the officer. “They weren’t doing anything.”

“Then what’s the problem?” asked a youngster that resembled a snarling wolf.

“Easy Timber Wolf!” said a green-skinned robot kid who looked like Superman’s foe Brainiac.

“They are oozing chronal energy!” Sting answered.  “You know there are strict laws governing time travel!”

The one called Live Wire conferred with the green-skinned kid. “Then it’s only natural that this would be a case for the Legion! Brainy is the foremost authority in the known universe on time travel!”

“My name is Brainiac Five!” the green-skinned kid yelled. He craned his mechanical neck to get a closer look at Louie and me. “And you’re right! I am the most intelligent being in the known universe in all subjects, except girls. My scans say these two aren’t girls, so I’m okay!”

“There’s no point in me arguing, is there?” Sting asked.

“It’s only going to make the tale longer and we’ve already gotten the code names out of the way via needless exposition!” Live Wire explained. “You’re good to go!”

“Fine!” Sting huffed. “I’m scheduled to be an innocent bystander in a crowd scene over in the regular DC’s Countdown anyway!”

“Better hope it doesn’t involve Black Adam!” Live Wire called to the officer.

“Wait! Did you say Legion?” I asked.

“Yes, I did!” said Live Wire. “The Legion of Superheroes to be exact!”

“Oh crap!” I cried. “We’re in continuity hell!”

“What’s he talking about?” asked Timber Wolf.

Saturn Girl’s eyes glowed neon pink. “They’re from an alternate version of Earth. He has knowledge that suggests there are other Legions in other universes much like our own.  And gasp! Some of them are dark and brooding!”

“No!” the other Legionnaires cried.

Saturn Girl quickly filled the Legionnaires in on our mission and we were off to Legion Headquarters. Believe it or not, the governing body called the United Planets built a high-tech clubhouse for a bunch of teenagers to hang out in because – get this – they entrusted the safety of the entire universe to a group whose arch-enemy is Acne Lad! Folks, you can’t make this kind of stuff up!

We were greeted by the other Legionnaires - thousands of them! No millions! No bajillions! Everywhere I turned there was another boy or girl or lad or lass with crazy powers; Gum-On-Bottom-Of-Shoe Boy! Umbrella Lad! Juggle-Three-Guys-At-Once Lass! Trash Lad! And my personal favorite – Lesbian-Make-Out-Scene-Girl! Legionnaires! Legionnaires! Legionnaires!

The one called Brainy quickly rushed us off to his laboratory. It was decorated with holographs of a tall, buxom blonde.

“You have great taste kid!” I said.

 Brainy slapped his mechanical forehead. “I forgot to take down my sprockin’ holos before we left! Please don’t tell Incredibly-Tall-And-Beautiful-Super-Powered-Buxom-Blonde-Lass that you saw these!”

“We won’t,” Louie promised.  “I wouldn’t want everyone knowing about my secret stash of Playboys!”

“Not so fast!” I countered.

The green-skinned kid gulped. “Why do I feel blackmail coming?”

“We won’t tell if you help us reach the fourth dimension and get us out of this screwy animated world!” I demanded.

Brainy sighed and shuffled to a small desk. I watched in amazement as he built a highly sophisticated ray gun out of paper clips, pencils, and rubber bands.  The kid was a regular McGyver!

“This ray gun will send you to the fourth dimension,” said Brainy. “Prepare yourselves for the jump!”

I waited to be bathed in the light of the ray gun but instead Louie and I were pelted with rubber bands.

“Hey! I thought you said this would take us to the….”

“Fourth Dimension!” I exclaimed, finishing my own sentence.

We definitely weren’t in the animated world anymore!

Louie and I were in a large room. An L-shaped computer desk sat in one corner. One side of the desk was filled with papers and assorted bills. The other side was dominated by music recording equipment.  Strewn about the room were various guitars, basses, microphones, a banjo, a mandolin, a couple of saxophones, a few amplifiers, and keyboards. 

The other corner was dominated by a television stand with a large set resting on it.

The only other features of note were the fireplace along the outside wall, a bookshelf, and a suit of armor in the outside corner at the other end. There were posters on the walls of early 50’s rock stars.

“Our host seems a bit eccentric,” I said. “Really, who is geeky enough to keep a suit of armor in their upstairs bonus room?”

“That would be me,” a voice announced.

Louie and I turned and were face to face with the greatest looking guy in the history of the world. If I were only a gay Bug, let me tell you I would… ahem, there was a dude.  In the room.

“My name is David,” said the guy. “We have met Bug, but you don’t recognize me in my non-comic form. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

I got eye to eye with the handsome devil himself. “Oh don’t give me that, mister! You know exactly why we’re here! What’s that we hear about you retiring from fanfic? “

David nodded. “It’s true.  I just don’t have the time for it like I used to. And it’s really only a partial retirement. I’ll still work on some stuff at FDC like…”

“Higher Learning!” I huffed. “Stanley told us.”

 “Damn him,” David cursed.  “I told him to keep his mouth shut!”

“How are we supposed to save Halloween this year if you don’t write a tale for us?” Louie asked.

“Some unfortunate soul will need something to line their birdcage with and if you don’t come through for them who will?”

                “I recommend Marvel’s Civil War,” David replied.  “Seven-hundred and fifty-three thousand issues of poor plotting, tired premises, and a pay-off at the end that leaves you wondering what the poor fanfic writer was thinking.”

                “But  Civil War wasn’t fanfic,” Louie replied.

                “It wasn’t?” David asked, looking aghast. “You mean professionals were paid to write that? There’s hope for fanfic writers to break into the industry yet!”

                “I agree,” I replied. “But what about the Halloween Special?”

                David pondered long and hard before answering. “Well… I have scrawled together sixteen pages about you two looking for me. I could write one of those Civil War endings and just say the heroes prevailed and Halloween was safe for yet another year.”

                “It just may work,” said Louie.

                “But we need a better ending than that!” I protested.

                “I have the perfect thing in mind,” David replied.

                Like and out-of-body experience, I watched over his shoulder as he sat at his computer and began to write while Louie and I were simultaneously transported to our next location.

                I was in a black leather jacket and a pair of Bug-green denim cutoffs. An orange life preserver fit snug over my jacket. And I was surrounded by my friends – Louie, Stanley, Sherman and Mr. Peabody, Captain Carrot, Count Chocula, Frankenberry, Boo-Berry, the Fruit Brute, Yummy Mummy, Seven of Nine, the real Jonni FDC, and the Inferior Five. They patted me on the back and wished me good luck.

                “With what?” I asked.

                “I’m sure you’ll save Halloween with this stunt,” said Jonni. She squeezed the beach hunk next to her. “And you won’t even have to interrupt my date!” 

                “Stunt? What stunt?” I begged.  I became aware of holding something in my hand at the exact moment that the same something I held in my hand jerked me into the water. I rushed across the water as if I was running on it like the Flash. No, I was water skiing! And not just water skiing, but I was headed toward a big ramp. But wait! I don’t water ski!

                A clean-cut surfer-boy type approached the ramp and chickened out at the last moment. As his boat sped by me, he warned, “Watch out for the shark!”

                “Shark?” I asked. “What sha…”

                And I was in the air! As my life flashed before my eyes, I looked beneath me and sure enough Jaws waited patiently to make me his next Happy Meal!

                I was terrified at first and then livid. “Curse you, David! We haven’t reached our Jump-the-Shark moment in this asinine annual event yet!”

                Suddenly, the water, the shark, and all my friends but Louie disappeared and we were back in David’s house. 

                “So what do you want me to do?” David asked. “Dale wants the stories turned in like yesterday!”

                “Like he has any room to demand stories!” I shouted. “Dude disappears like Invisible Kid at a bath house for nearly two years and now he’s demanding stories? Please, Bad Blood indeed!”

                “But he’s been great!” David countered.  “He came back with new enthusiasm and injected new life into the site again!”

                “Guys, do you think the readers really want to listen to you two debate over Dale?” Louie asked.

                “He’s got a point,” I demanded. “Write something! We’re losing water faster than a grandma with a catheter!”

                David sat back down at the keyboard and started typing.

                All the heroes of the FDC Universe stood toe to toe. Friends were now enemies as they were split over the mandate that all heroes register for or against Halloween.  Batman sneezed accidentally and the battle royal was on! 

                In the end, Ambush Bug stole Two-Face’s lucky coin and flipped it. It came up heads which meant he convinced everyone they were acting like new heroes at their first summer event and they agreed to be friends again and everyone was pro-Halloween Registration Act and happy!

                The End.

                “You call that an ending?” I cried. “Dude, that seriously sucks! Even you can do better than that!”

                The End.

                “Stop typing that!” I screamed again. “I should have your fanfic license pulled! And what about your credib….”

                I said… The End!

From the desk of Dale Glaser, acting EIC – Dave, don’t you think this has gone on long enough? Put this story out of its misery!

From David’s desk - I’m trying Dale, but Buggy won’t shut up! I even wrote him a happy ending!

                “A grievance! That’s what I’ll file!” I shouted

                The End – “Louie, will you cover that idiot’s mouth so I can stick a fork in this story?”

                Louie nodded and covered my mouth. “Even I’m getting tired of this one.”

                “Mmmmppph!” I shouted.

                At last …

The End.

Happy Halloween Everyone!