Ambush Bug Batman & Robin Changeling & Cyborg Demon Green Arrow Green Lantern the Justice Society of America Spectre

 

Where should I start? The beginning is the usual recommended spot, no? Okay, fine. It all began one day when Louie, the Phantom Stranger's cousin, came over to my apartment after an FDC soiree. That's FDC talk for more than four people showed up in the chat room at the same time so Stanley (err... the Phantom Stranger) wanted to mark it as a cosmic event by making an appearance. Of course he was tied up by some other cosmic menace and sent Louie in his place. At least it wasn't another bar mitzvah.

Anyway my old buddy looked glum.

"What's up Louie?" I asked.

"I don't wanna dump my troubles on you old pal," Louie replied.

I grabbed him by the shoulders. "Louie! It's me... the Bug! We're amigos right? Something's eating at you. I can tell."

"You really wanna know, Bug?" Louie answered with more than a hint of resignation in his smoke-scratched throat.

"You're not dragging me on a talk show and admitting a secret crush on me or anything like that are ya?" I asked.

Louie looked disgusted. "Hey buddy! Your cheap beer ain't that good!"

"Then yes. I really wanna know," I answered.

Louie sighed. "I was just thinking about what a blast we had this time last year. Remember? We went all Butch and Sundance on the FDCU and visited the round-headed kid and got Dave in trouble with Miry and Ralph because you visited the Avengers, and... well I'm just feeling down this year because we're stuck here in your apartment like two middle-aged comic geeks at a Magic tournament while the rest of the world enjoys the fruit of our last year's labor."

"But we saved Halloween," I answered. "I'm now Saint Ambush Bug of All Hallow's Eve."

"Yeah, but what about this year?" Louie asked. "Surely we can do something this year too. I don't wanna just sit around here while all the other writers have Halloween issues in the Special. We are Halloween!"

He had a point. Surely there was something we could do.

A knock at my door interrupted my thoughts. I moved across the room slowly and peeked through the key hole. It was him! I opened the door. "Hello, Stanley!"

"I sense great trouble brewing here," said the Phantom Stranger. "And don't call me Stanley!"

I invited His Cosmic Deus Ex Machina-ness to come in out of the hall before he spooked the neighbors. "You said something about trouble brewing?"

"Indeed I did, Irwin Schwartz!" Sta...the Phantom Stranger replied. "You two aren't planning anything this year are you?"

"Us?" I grinned. "We're just two old buds kicking a few back and watching..." I glanced at the tube. "Dammit, Louie! We are not watching Laverne and Shirley reruns again!"

The Phantom Stranger smiled. "What's wrong with Laverne and Shirley? I always enjoyed that show. You know the little thing they do during the opening credits on the streets of Milwaukee? One time the Spectre and I were visiting Brew City during a lodge convention and we couldn't resist. You should have seen ol' Pasty-Face doing the 'Five, six, seven, eight! Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hassenpfeffer Incorporated!" It was a riot! I'll tell you...."

I couldn't help but answer with a dumbfounded stare. The mental image alone was more disturbing than a barrel full of retcons.

The Phantom Stranger regained his composure. "Ahem... As I was saying. There is great trouble brewing. Are you sure you two have nothing planned that's going to get me kicked out of the lodge?"

"No, Phantom Stranger, sir. Do we look like the kind to cause trouble on this the most sacred of holidays?," I answered.

The Phantom Stranger looked past me to his cousin. He sat on my couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table, a beer in one hand and a bag of chips in the other. His wife-beater shirt and dark, worn trousers were a ghastly match. The glow from my floor lamp illuminated his bald head.

"You gotta love Lenny and Squiggy, huh? Has there ever been a funnier line written than when they enter that door and go... Hello?" Louie bellowed, oblivious to his cousin's watchful eye.

The Stranger turned back to me. "I'm appointing you to watch over Louie tonight. He tends to sneak a drink too many when he has to deal with that FDC bunch."

"Yes, sir," I saluted. "But how do I contend with his cosmic powers? I'm just a holiday icon."

The Phantom Stranger scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Yes, that may pose a problem. I'll tell you what. I'm going to give you half his power for this one night but use it wisely and only if necessary! That way he can't do anything you won't be able to undo. Can I trust you with this great honor?"

"You can count on me, sir. With great power comes great responsibility!"

Stanl.. The Phantom Stranger winced. "Yeah... listen when Toby McGuire said that on the big screen , it gave me goosebumps, but you.... It just worries me."

I was miffed but said nothing. I didn't want to end up in a weird dimension somewhere where time and space have no meaning, like at Pep Boys waiting for them to change the oil and rotate the tires.

Stanl... the Phantom Stranger cocked his head. "I'm being called away to a parallel dimension to finish my poker game with Dr. Strange and the guys, but I want you two to know I have my eye on you." His words hung in the air as he faded from our view.

"How do you like that guy?" I asked. "Some nerve!"

"Hey Bug? Have you ever wondered about Carmine? I mean they call him the Big Ragoo and all, but that whole dancing and showtunes thing makes me wonder what side of the plate he bats from. Ya know what I mean? And he's ok with no hanky-panky with Shirley?" Louie answered. "There's something up there, I tell ya!"

"Louie!"

Louie jerked out of his sitcom-induced stupor. "What did Stanley want?"

"To let us know he had his eye on us. No Halloween adventure this year," I answered.

"Idiot! That sucks!" Louie exclaimed.

"You know you sound kind of like Napoleon Dynamite when you do that," I complimented.

"Really? Cool?" Louie beamed. "Hey want to see me do the dance he did at the end of the movie?"

"No," I replied.

Louie looked dejected but I ignored it. It hadn't been long since I ate. The last thing I needed was to watch him dance. We sat down on the sofa and flipped the tube to MTV to watch some videos. Of course our obligatory Beavis and Butthead impersonations were ruined because all that was on were reality tv shows. Remember when MTV used to be cooler than Nickelodeon? But I digress.

"This blows," said Louie. "I need some action."

"You're not going Carmine on me are you? I refuse to call you the Big Ragoo," I answered.

"Not that kind of action," said Louie. "I mean I'm bored."

"Me too, but your cousin said we couldn't start any trouble," I answered. "Want another beer?"

Louie sighed and put his feet back on the coffee table. "Sure. Why not?"

I shuffled to the kitchen and returned with a six pack. Louie removed one of them from the carton. "Hey this bottle looks different!"

He was right. The bottle looked more like the one Barbara Eden inhabited on 'I Dream of Jeannie".

I scratched my head. How could I have not noticed that at the grocery store? Talk about your convenient plot oversights! "Hey look it's even corked."

"Maybe there's a beautiful genie inside," said Louie excitedly. "And she can give us three wishes. Something that would make this Halloween memorable."

"A beautiful genie?" I asked. "Brilliant!"

"Brilliant!" Louie echoed in shades of Guinness Draft. He grabbed the bottle from me and uncorked it. A vaporous wisp poured from its mouth and took the form of a large, strapping man with light, blue skin.

"So much for the beautiful genie, Big Ragoo," I said.

"I thought you weren't going to call me that," Louie answered.

"Sarcasm, Louie! Sarcasm!" I yelled back.

The genie turned to us. I knew right away he was an evil genie because his eyebrows were frozen in a menacing furrow like he was forever constipated. "You two have freed me. To show my gratitude I will let you live!"

"Let us live?" Louie asked. He shot up from his seat. "That sucks! What kind of genie are you?"

I quickly pulled my buddy back down to the couch. "I don't know Louie. So far he drives a fair bargain."

"But he owes us three wishes!" Louie argued.

The genie looked furious. "I owe no man for I am... All Hallow's Evil!" His words echoed in the air.

"What?" I asked.

"I am All Hallow's Evil!" the Genie bellowed again.

I was curious now. It sounded suspiciously like he wanted to menace my holiday. "What does that mean?"

"I've come to ruin the Halloween season. I will put drunk drivers on the road and razor blades in candy and take away all the costumes and decorations," the genie bragged. "When I'm finished there won't be anything left from a candy corn to a corn shock to remind anyone of this dreadful excuse of a psuedo-holiday.

"You can't do that!" I argued. "I won't let you!" I still wasn't sure why he referenced Phil Collins' Sussudio but I didn't like his tone one bit. Could it be possible he meant to make that the official theme song for Halloween? The fiend!

"Let me?" the genie laughed. "And how will you stop me?"

"I am the living embodiment of the Halloween spirit, sir! You have come to the wrong place." I struck my best Superman pose and tightened my rippling muscles to show the genie I meant business.

The genie walked to the door laughing all the way. "Oh that's a good one! You can be jesters in my court! I'll return after ruining Halloween! For my dinner, I'll have steak with a loaded baked potato and fried apples for desert. Medium well on the steak." With that he walked out the door.

"What do we do now?" Louie asked. "We haven't gone grocery shopping in weeks."

"We stop him!" I said. "And if anyone's going to eat steak it's gonna be me after I save Halloween!"

"But Bug, remember what Stanley said. He'll kill us if we get out and cause trouble this year," Louie answered.

"Don't you see?" I asked. "We've already caused great trouble for kids everywhere. But we can make lemonade from this lemon if we view it as an opportunity. We get to save Halloween! Again!"

Louie's face brightened. "Yeah! To the Bat Poles!" He broke in a run toward the far wall.

"Louie! We don't have..."

CRASH!!!

"....Bat Poles. Just go into the bathroom and put on your costume and I'll go and get mine," I said.

Louie shrugged and headed into the bathroom.

I made my way to my bedroom and opened the closet. What I found there caused me to shriek like a little girl. My costumes were missing.

Louie's shriek echoed my own and I realized he too had no costume. I ran into the living room and met him.

"You too?" I asked.

"Yes," Louie replied. "He's already started. There are no bright, colorful costumes. What do we do, Bug?"

"I know just the place to go," I answered.

"Where?" Louie asked.

"The Dollar Mart," I replied.

Louie looked confused. "They have costumes?"

"No, but they do have those little adhesive name tags," I answered. "To the Dollar Mart!"

"Hey Bug, you don't think I could pick up a hair net while I'm there do ya?" Louie asked.

I stared at my buddy's mostly bald pate. "For what?"

"To keep my hair in place while I sleep."

I was about to point out the obvious when I was interrupted by yet another knock on the door.

"Oh no! It's Stanley again!" Louie cried. "He's found out that we've screwed up already!"

I walked slowly to the door and opened it. Instead of the Phantom Stranger, two children - a boy and a girl- stood there holding a bag. I was so relieved! Maybe Halloween was going to be okay after all.

"Canned foods for the poor?" asked the boy.

"What?" I asked. "What about candy?"

The children looked at me like I was nuts. "Sir," the girl began. "Children in third world countries need nutritional meals filled with the recommended daily allowance of vitamins and minerals. It would be cruel to send them candy with no nutritional value that would only decay their teeth."

"No, I mean for you," I argued.

"That's just selfish," the boy shot back, obviously abhorred by the idea.

It was worse than I thought. "What about Halloween?"

"Hallowhat?" asked the young man.

"It's an antiquated holiday that celebrated evil in the world," the girl explained. "Thankfully wise men and women were able to do away with the abomination. Come on, Roy. I don't believe this joker cares about starving children."

I watched the children walk away and turned to Louie. "We've got to fix this."

"How?" Louie asked. "Stanley said-"

"I know what he said, but do you think he's going to be happy we screwed up a holiday? Besides it's my responsibility as patron saint!" I answered.

"Where do we start?" Louie asked.

"We get our team organized," I replied.

"Our team?" Louie asked. "What team?"

"Do you have any Phantom Stranger power left?" I asked.

Louie nodded. "The last thing I did was an FDC panel. That never takes too much out of me."

"We need to go to the moon," I instructed. "Can you get us there if I join my power with yours?"

"Your power?" Louie asked.

I sighed. "If you'd been paying attention to Stanley instead of Shirley Feeney you'd know that he lent me some of his power to undo your screw-ups if you got too drunk."

"Oh," said Louie. He looked like a man who wanted to say something but didn't quite know how to break the news. "Look Bug, that's kind of a one-shot trick. If you use the power to help us get to the moon, that's it. You will have none left. Stanley does that in dire emergencies when he doesn't trust someone with the real thing. He figures you can only screw up once and it'll be easier for him to fix later. He used to do that to me a lot. Are you sure you want to waste it on a trip to the moon?"

"It's a worthy sacrifice," I replied with a nod. "What's more important, impotence or responsibility?"

"I think you mean omnipotence," Louie whispered. "I used to get the two confused before Stanley pointed out the difference to me."

I made a mental note to file that information away in my little book of words that I didn't know the meaning of. You think old man Webster has a big book? Mine has twice as many words, but I'm supposed to tell how I saved Halloween again, not brag on my intellect. I turned to Louie once more. "Are you going to help or not?"

"Sure," said Louie. "Let me get a shirt."

"No time for that now," I said. "Every second counts."

Louie sighed. "Okay I need you to close your eyes and count to ten. It also helps if you think moon."

I closed my eyes. "One. Two. Three. Four. Moon. Does this really help?"

Louie laughed. "Not really. I just wanted to see if you would do it so I'd have time to grab a brewski before we leave."

I slapped the Phantom Stand-In's bald pate. "Stop clowning around and get us to the moon, preferably the JLA Watchtower, before Stanley returns."

Louie nodded and I hoped we didn't end up somewhere in the middle of the Sea of Tranquility. There was a brilliant flash and then...

My lungs were about to explode! That idiot Louie later told me it was because I was thinking about the Sea of Tranquility before we left and that's where we ended up. How was I supposed to know how Stanley's powers worked?

I tried my best to suck sweet oxygen from the lunar atmosphere but it was no go. There was none to be had. Light-headedness took over as I dropped to my knees and clawed at my throat.

I hoped Louie would remember he had Phantom Stranger powers and whip up an atmosphere of some sort but he was thrashing as wildly as I. I struggled to my feet and tried charades, hoping he would take the hint but to no avail.

Finally I could take no more. Everything went black and I collapsed prostrate on the ground.

I was dying. I always hoped I would go out gloriously but instead it was my lot to die on Luna with Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" going through my head. I thought of all the poor children who would never know the joy of knocking on a complete stranger's door and begging for candy bought last year at the Dollar Mart clearance sale. (I also remembered that I forgot to stop by Dollar Mart and pick up name tags). Back to the children. Those poor young souls would be deprived of that special feeling that only comes from knowing you're keeping children in the third world gainfully employed.

I opened my eyes and reached out to Louie in one final desperate plea but he was no longer there. The rat! He used his powers to save himself and left me to expire in anonymity on the surface of the moon.

Then the angel swooped down and picked me up and lifted me up to heaven which really surprised me. Those Playboys I swore off last year when I became an icon? Well... there may still have been one or two (hundred) under my bed, but that's another story. The angel lifted me up and I could feel the solar winds teasing my lungs with its oxygen-less breeze.

The angel wasn't what I was expecting. He was bald. And shirtless. And green. And looked suspiciously like a certain Manhunter from Mars. And did I mention green? But I wasn't going to complain. He whisked me across the lunarscape with great speed. We arrived at a set of double doors that opened with a swoosh.

Once inside, oxygen rushed to fill my lungs. I was so thankful but the sudden influx of breath made me dizzy. I collapsed at his blue boots.

"What are you doing here?" the angel asked.

I grabbed the Martian's leg and pulled myself up. It was all I could to bark my words. "Need to speak with the Justice League."

"Are you with the other one?" J'onn asked.

"Other one? Louie's here?" I replied. "At least Stanley won't kill me."

"Stanley?" J'onn asked.

"The Phantom Stranger. He's Louie's cousin," I answered.

"That ... man in our meeting room is the Phantom Stranger's cousin?" J'onn asked incredulously.

I nodded. "He fills in for Stanley at comic conventions, small cameos, and over at FDC. You know just the small stuff the big guy doesn't have the time for."

"The Phantom Stranger's real name is Stanley?" J'onn asked.

I nodded. "Don't tell him I told you. Blame it on an FDC Who's Who profile if he asks."

"Who are you?" J'onn demanded.

I puffed up my chest. "I, sir, am Ambush Bug, the Living Embodiment of Halloween!"

"You should leave and take your friend with you," said the Manhunter from Mars.

"No," I protested. "I must see the Justice League. If you'll just let me speak with my pal Superman..."

"I thought Jimmy Olsen was Superman's Pal," the Martian Manhunter fished suspiciously.

I had to think of something quick. "That was in the Silver Age."

"Oh," said the Manhunter. "Follow me."

He led me to the JLA meeting room where a group of people circled a big round table in street clothes. Their faces were covered with scarves that made them look like old west bandits or maybe even those old candid photos of KISS without makeup that ran in the tabloids in the 1970's.

"And who is this?" asked a tall, buxom brunette in a business suit. Her eyes shone like twin coals from behind her scarf.

"I need to speak to Superman," I said.

A tall, burly man with wide, square shoulders stepped forward. He could have been any hero in disguise if it wasn't for the distinctive spit curl that gave him away. "Supes!"

Superman buried his face in his hands. "Great Scott!."

"Who is it Superman?" asked a man with long, blonde hair.

"Ambush Bug," Superman answered.

"Oh great!" said Aquaman. "That means I'm stuck in another one of Dave's stupid Halloween specials! You'd think Miry or Ralph or somebody would put a stop to this insanity! Must I suffer this indignity every year?"

"Still sore about last year, huh?" I asked. "And what do you mean about suffering indignity every year? Comic readers have suffered with your title every month since the 1960's! And for your information pal, I'm not the one who rode around on a giant seahorse on Superfriends!"

"Who is this guy?" asked one of the others. "I'm not familiar with him."

"Consider yourself lucky, Flash," said Superman.

"Okay! Okay! So I'm not Mr. Popularity around here," I retorted. "But I need the Justice League's help."

"Who is he?" asked the final member of the entourage.

"He's a nutjob who interrupted an important case the Golden Age Lantern and I worked last year," said a stern individual that could only be Batman. "Be glad it was the Golden Age Lantern that had to deal with him and not you."

I remembered the case vividly but it wasn't why I was there. "Please hear me out. The children of the world need you." I motioned for Louie to stand with me. "Won't you at least listen for the children?"

Louie took my cue and rushed to my side. "Yeah, the children of the world need you."

"For what?" asked Batman.

Luckily, I picked up a few copies of last year's Halloween Special before we left for the moon and handed them out while explaining all about All Hallow's Evil and the plight of Halloween. The heroes read in earnest.

"Who reads this garbage?" asked Green Lantern. "Surely there aren't fanboys so desperate to read more about their favorite heroes they'd get on the internet and actually search for this drivel! Would they?"

I smiled sheepishly and dug the heel of one of my shoes into the toe of the other. "Well...."

Green Lantern shook his head.

"That's not important now - or ever," said Superman. "I'm going to hate myself for saying this but let's suppose for one minute that Ambush Bug is right."

There was a silent pause and then everyone - including Louie- burst into fits of laughter. Even Batman rolled on the floor with tears squeezing from the corners of his eyes.

"Ha! Ha! Very funny," I said. "You've had your laugh. Now can we..."

No one listened. I approached Batman. "And you... You're not even supposed to have a sense of humor!"

Between guffaws and snorts the World's Greatest Detective managed to blurt. "You should have seen me back in my pre-Miller days, pal! I wasn't always a Dark Knight you know! Why back in the Silver Age, Supes and I used to share many a laugh over in World's Finest!"

"If you won't do it for the children then do it for fanboys everywhere!" I pleaded.

That stopped them in their tracks. They knew where their bread was buttered. "What do you mean?" Superman asked.

I pointed to Wonder Woman. "Unless we stop All Hallow's Evil, fanboys will be forced to look at Wonder Woman in that business suit forever! Do you think anyone reads her title for the stories?"

The male Leaguers conferred and quickly broke their huddle. Superman met Wonder Woman's glare. "We want everyone to know we're doing this for the ... ah... the children."

"Yeah, the children," echoed Flash, careful to avoid the Amazon's piercing gaze.

"You'll help me?" I asked hopefully.

"On one condition," said Batman.

"What's that?" I asked.

"We need costumes," said Green Lantern, answering for his fellow Justice Leaguer. "We can't go out in public like this. Whoever this All Hallow's Evil is, he controls the world's supply of spandex."

"How convenient for the plot," said Louie

"Convenient, yes. But no problem," I smiled. "I have a great idea."

Deep Within the Bowels (where else would you expect in this tale) of the Watchtower

"Are you sure this will work?" Louie asked.

"Of course it will," I answered. "We're with the Justice League now. What could possibly go wrong?"

"You know how she gets," Louie argued.

I removed a well-worn coin from my trousers.

"Hey!" Louie cried. "Where'd that come from? I thought you gave it to that kid last year?"

"He saw what I wanted him to see," I answered, feeling like a cross between Superman and David Copperfield. "Now let's get down to business."

I rubbed the coin as hard as I could. "Come on, Jonni! Where are you?"

An explosion filled the room and Jonni FDC didn't look happy to see us. As usual, she looked like a cross between a New York City hotel maid and a Times Square billboard minus the animation. Her logo was crooked like she'd been hard at work She removed a cigarette from between her lips and exhaled from the corner of her mouth. "Buggy! What do you want? Why am I here?"

"I hope I didn't drag you away from Speedy again," I answered, remembering the previous year when I tore her away from a hot date with the former Alka-Seltzer spokesman. I hoped small talk would put her in a better mood.

"Hon, how long do you expect a relationship to last with a guy named Speedy?" Jonni asked. "I was busy spreading some of my magic over the FDC Universe to protect it from unnecessary retcons or jumps forward in time. You know how writers can be. Give them any excuse to overlook continuity...."

"I... we need your help," I said.

Jonni rolled her eyes. "Does this mean Dave is at it again? What is it this time? Another asinine, one-liner romp through the FDC Universe with no discernable plot? Let me guess. He unmasks himself as the lousy villain at the end!"

"Hey! She's already read the end of the story!" Louie cried.

"Great! Way to go, Jonni!" I added. "Now he'll have to come up with another ending! You know how long it takes him to write one of these pitiful stories! And we're already seven pages into this crap. Could you... You know? Since you did let the cat out of the bag so to speak."

Jonni sighed. "Okay Buggy, but only for the readers who haven't wisely found another link by now. Although I can't imagine anyone has trudged this far."

"What's she gonna do?" Louie asked.

Jonni blinked and suddenly both of the readers forgot the lame ending Dave was gonna use and moved on with the story because everything got too surreal for an FDC book anyway.

I explained our plight to Jonni and told her about the kind of team I envisioned. We already had my brains and Louie's impotence, er omnipotence. And I couldn't forget Jonni's mastery of the multiverse. What we needed were brawn and a cute cartoon character to sell the tale. Another blink and we were joined by a giant rabbit who seemed to be the only... er.. person in the whole multiverse with a superhero costume.

"Where am I?" the World's Most Powerful Lagomorpha asked. (I looked that one up in Wikepedia.)

"Captain Carrot," said Jonni. "Our team needs you for this putrid tale."

"Why me?" Captain Carrot asked.

"We need a character with obligatory super strength powers and Dave wanted to write a story with you in it," Jonni answered.

"Am I supposed to object? We are following classic comic book structure right?" Captain Carrot asked. "I object, we fight, you show me the error of my ways, then we kick the bad guy's butt."

"We would but Dave has already drug this mess on eight pages and well, frankly we need to get on with it," I answered.

Captain Carrot shrugged. "That works. I haven't had a steady gig for years anyway. At this point I'd shine Miry's shoes for a cameo. Count me in. Is the gang all here?"

"Not everyone," I replied. "Jonni?"

Jonni blinked again and we were joined by a white dog who walked upright on two legs. He wore a pair of black framed glasses. A young red-haired boy stood at his side and gazed at the canine with a creepy adoration that made me feel icky. Behind them was a curious contraption that looked way cooler than anything else in the Watchtower.

"Peabody here," said the dog. "And this is my boy Sherman. Although I'm not sure where here is."

"You're in an FDC Halloween Special," Louie explained. "This is Ambush Bug, Jonni FDC, and Captain Carrot. I'm Louie."

"Louie? What kind of name is that?" Peabody asked.

"I'm the Phantom Stranger's cousin. I do bar mitzvahs and cheap one shots for FDC whenever..."

"Oh yes," said Peabody. "Stanley told me about you at a lodge meeting once."

Louie gulped. "You know Stanley?"

"Of course," Peabody explained. "All us cosmic types belong to the same lodge."

"Gosh, Mr. Peabody," said Sherman. "I've never thought of us as comic types!"

Peabody turned to his boy. "Not comic types, Sherman. Cosmic types as in we can travel here, there, and everywhere thanks to our trusty Way Back Machine. Cosmic types aren't bound by the same rules of Comics and Animation as mere mortal characters. It allows us to take part in company crossovers with ease."

Sherman smiled. "I'm still impressed."

"Of course you are," Peabody answered. He looked at me. "Now why am I here?"

I explained the situation and he and Sherman agreed to join us for a most dangerous adventure. I made sure he knew exactly what I needed in order to save Halloween.

"The perfect team," said Louie. "What do we call ourselves?"

"That's easy," I answered. "The Impossible Five!"

"Hardly a catchy moniker," said Peabody. "But I suppose it will suffice for this Fractured Fairy Tale."

"It's your book," Captain Carrot agreed. "I suppose we can be called whatever you want. No matter how dumb it is."

"Thanks," I replied. "And away we go!"

Peabody turned to his boy and barked a command. "Sherman, set the Way Back Machine to 1978 A.D! Our destination - Metropolis!"

Metropolis, 1978 A.D.

Our motley band arrived in Metropolis in the dead of winter. It was one of those nights where are all you wanted to do was lie underneath the blankets and watch television. A few brave souls crept along the frozen streets in their automobiles. Those that tempted mother nature did so courtesy of heavy chains and snow tires. A driving blizzard blew sideways and made the night so cold my bones hurt.

"Couldn't we have arrived some time in the middle of summer?" Louie asked.

"Sorry my good man, but the Way Back Machine brought us here for a reason obviously," said Peabody.

Everywhere we turned, buildings were decorated to celebrate that other holiday icon's big day. It was enough to make any self-respecting spirit of the season sick. His mug was plastered everywhere. Bright greens and reds dominated the skyline and strings of lights proclaimed, "Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men", "Noel", and "Joy to the World" to whoever cared to read them.

"What kind of holiday is this?" I complained. "It's so lame even a seven year old should be able to see through its blatant commercialism! You'd think it wouldn't be this bad so many years ago, but... Hey why are we here during the Christmas holiday season? We're supposed to save Halloween!"

Jonni FDC snuggled up to Captain Carrot and wrapped herself in the folds of his cape in an effort to find warmth somewhere and finally spoke with blue, quivering lips. "This is not in my contract. What are we doing here?"

I felt sorry for poor Jonni. She was practically a stick figure anyway except her big, round... Never mind. She may read this tale one day (although I doubt it). Still I wouldn't want to offend her. You know how women are about their curves.

"Confidence ladies and gentlemen," Peabody assured. "We have arrived at precisely the moment in which we need to be here. For you see, the items we came to retrieve are currently stored away in a warehouse to make room for all the Christmas merchandise on the shelves. Retailers spend gratuitous amounts of money on store security but not nearly as much guarding their warehouses. We go in, get what we came for, and get out. Is everyone clear on the plan?"

"Gosh Mr. Peabody! You sure make great plans!" said Sherman.

I had to agree with the kid. I wouldn't have thought of such a clever tactic. "To the warehouse district then?"

"Precisely," Peabody replied. "The Way Back Machine provided an address where our target will most likely be found. I suggest we make haste."

The little guy talked funny but we followed him across town to the warehouse district. It looked like most seedy warehouse districts you'd see in any other major American city except it was sparkly clean like everything else in Metropolis. We stopped in front of a warehouse. Its address read, "Plot Device Warehouse."

"Are you sure this is it?" Louie asked.

"I believe the chances are exceedingly high that we've reached the proper destination," Peabody answered.

"How do we get in?" Jonni FDC asked. "Those steel doors look strong and are locked up tight."

Captain Carrot stepped forward. "Leave that detail to me."

Jonni FDC sighed. "What a man... er.. Rabbit."

The good captain stepped forward and took hold of the doors. His mighty paws dug into the frigid steel. He hardly strained before the door popped loose from its track. "We're in."

"Correction," came a voice from the shadows within. "You're in trouble!"

The street light behind us strained to illuminate the warehouse interior and cast an eerie glow through the falling snow. Within that glow I made out the five silhouetted figures.

"Ah crap!" I said. "This was supposed to be the easy part."

"You'll think easy when we're finished with you," another voice answered. This one was sweeter, more melodious even when trying to intimidate.

"Who are you?" Captain Carrot asked. "The Justice League?"

"No," replied another voice. "Not quite the Justice League."

"Teen Titans?" Jonni FDC asked.

"As cool as that would be," said another voice. "We're not the Teen Titans either."

"Hmm," said Peabody. "We set the Way Back Machine for 1978. What teams were active at that time? Perhaps the Challengers of the Unknown?"

"No."

"Blackhawks?"

"No."

"Sea Devils?"

"Give us a break."

"Could it be our lucky day and you're the gang from Swinging with Scooter?" I asked hopefully.

"Hah!" said another voice. "You wish."

"Are we gonna talk ourselves to death?" Louie asked. "Shouldn't this be a conflict point? Even if we're on the same side eventually shouldn't we fight first?"

He made a good point. This tale had no action up to this point and Miry frowns on talking head stories.

Our mysterious foes stepped from the shadows. "Oh no!" I cried. "Anyone but them!"

"Who are they?" Louie asked.

"We are the Inferior Five and we can't let you rob this warehouse, vile villains!" said Merryman. He flexed his scrawny muscles to the size of grapes. "We too have to put food on our tables and since no one is hiring humor icons these days even for Hostess Fruit Snack ads, we've accepted jobs as security guards! There's no way you'll get by us!"

Dumb Bunny grabbed the scrap iron Captain Carrot made of the rolling steel door and hurled it at him. "You're not the only bunny around here with super strength."

The heavy door slammed into Captain Carrot and carried him into the street where he crashed into the light pole. It broke from the force of the blow, sending shards of glass in every direction and made a loud popping noise when the light itself exploded.

Captain Carrot looked a bit woozy but managed to stand to his feet. He lifted the broken pole and flew toward the buxom, young blonde and caught her square in the chest.

"Don't do that!" I cried. "Hit her anywhere but there! We're here for the good of all mankind not to commit a crime against humanity!"

"We're stealing from a warehouse," Peabody informed me. "Most folks would consider that a crime."

"Borrowing," I corrected.

Merryman rushed toward me but I managed to dodge him and he and Peabody became tangled. They fought back and forth like... you'd expect a lap dog and a total geek to fight.

I moved on to Awkward Man who met my rush with grim determination. We were about to explode into one another like two titans of old, but he tripped over his own two feet and crashed to the ground. I tried to stop in time but my momentum carried me forward and I tripped over the bumbling lummox. I tried to break my fall but was a fraction of a second slower than the force of gravity. My chin hit the ground hard.

Peabody's boy Sherman rushed to help his adopted master as he rolled around with the pencil-thin Merryman. "Gosh, Mr Peabody! I didn't know you could fight so well."

Peabody held Merryman down with one paw and punched him with the other. "Ordinarily Sherman I don't agree with fisticuffs but there comes a time when such barbaric displays of testosterone are absolutely necessary."

"And when is that, Mr. Peabody?" Sherman asked.

The pooch punched Merryman once more. "When your foe's physical stature fails to match your own."

"Golly, that sounds like bullying, Mr. Peabody," Sherman exclaimed.

The brainy canine landed another punch. "I'm a small dog who wears glasses, Sherman. It's not often I find someone as fragile as this character here. As you grow older you too will learn to pick your battles wisely. It's the Law of the Jungle."

"Can I get in a kick while he's down, Mr. Peabody?" Sherman asked with a big goofy grin.

Peabody nodded. "Absolutely Sherman. I believe it is healthy for a growing boy like yourself to experience the rush of aggression from time to time."

Emboldened by his master's words, Sherman kicked the Inferior Five's erstwhile leader in the face.

"Watch the glasses," Merryman cried.

"Gosh, he's right Mr. Peabody. You've taught me to never hit a man with glasses," Sherman said to his mentor.

"The Law of the Jungle, my boy. The Law of the Jungle," Peabody answered.

Sherman nodded and continued to kick Merryman while Peabody held him down.

Elsewhere, Jonni FDC squared off against the Blimp. Or perhaps squared wasn't quite the proper term given that they were both quite round.

"Hey! I heard that!" said Jonni.

"You can't hear that," I argued. "It's the narration for crying out loud!"

The Blimp stopped as well. "I heard it too, Mr. Bug. That wasn't very nice."

"Have I ever denied you my presence in one of these hair-brained tales Dave writes?" Jonni asked.

"Ok! Ok! Everybody's a critic! Sheesh! Let's try it again from the top!" I yelled.

Elsewhere, Jonni FDC faced off with the Blimp. "Is that better?" I asked before continuing.

Jonni nodded and the Blimp shrugged his shoulders and their altercation thickened.

"He did it again!" cried the Blimp. "Thickened?"

"What else could I have said?" I asked.

"Deepened? Ensued? Continued? Exploded with the fury of a thousand dying suns?" Jonni volunteered.

"Okay..." I sighed. "I'll pick up where I left off."

Jonni nodded and the Blimp shrugged his shoulders and their altercation exploded with the fury of a thousand... "Hey Jonni! That's laying it on a little thick? Don't you think?"

Both Jonni and the Blimp ignored me. They were too busy rolling around like a couple of beach b..."

They stopped. "Look, we're going to sit this one out since you're being so politically incorrect. We'll stand by the shipping crates if anyone needs us."

"You can't do that!" I cried. "Jonni, you're under contract. And you Mr. Blimp! Your lousy group hasn't worked since the sixties! You should just be glad Dave thought of using you guys instead of the Metal Men!"

"Now that really hurt!" said the Blimp. "Rub it in a little harder next time buddy, why don't you?"

Someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was the White Feather, bowman extra ordinaire of the outfit. "Mister Bug, sir? Please don't make me shoot. I'm warning you," he stammered. "S-S-S-Surr.. surrend... Give up, please?"

"I would be happy to, but I'm on an important mission to save Halloween and I can't let you stop me," I answered.

The Barney Fife of the Bowman set raised his bow and drew a boxing glove arrow from his quiver. He shook like Dr. Light at a Teen Titans convention as he tried to secure the arrow on the bowstring. "Stay right there!" he warned. "Don't ....Don't you move a muscle."

I smiled. What a buffoon! "Louie? A little help please?"

"Sure, Bug." Louie replied. He approached White Feather with that look in his eye that told everyone he meant business. "Here, you imbecile!" He jerked the bow from the archer's hand and set the arrow against the grip and aimed it at me.

Thwip! The arrow caught me in the chin and floored me once more. As I sprawled to the floor, I yelped like a ten year-old girl baiting a fish hook.

"Not me, you idiot!" I yelled while rubbing my jaw. "How can the Phantom Stranger's cousin be such a fat-head loser?"

White Feather grew pale as his moniker as he stared at Louie. "Phantom Stranger's cousin?" He fainted away.

"Aww gee, Buggy. You don't have to put it like that," Louie replied. "Sure, I'm not Stanley but I do my best."

The others stopped fighting and snickered.

"Yes! His name is Stanley!" I yelled. "Can we get this story back on track?"

"How?" Jonni asked. "It's dead in the water right now."

She was right. I had to do something drastic. "Jonni, can you get me access to a computer? Perhaps I can hop on Faux DC and e-mail a real writer and get them to finish this story."

"Sure, but I don't see who would want their name attached to..."

"Just do it!" I shouted.

She turned to the Blimp who disappeared sometime during the White Feather fiasco to brew some coffee in the warehouse break room. He returned with a cup for each of them since they were taking a break. She took the hot joe and thanked him. "See what I put up with?"

"I feel sorry for you," said the Blimp. "Merryman can get bossy too, but our stories are set in the Silver Age, so we're not allowed to complain or even hint at division in the ranks. What kind of message would that send to children about authority?"

"Egad!" said Jonni. "And you poor guys had to put up with those ugly Comics Code Authority insignias on your books too." She blinked once and Computo from the old Legion of Super Heroes Adventure Comics days appeared, looking like a refugee from a bad sci-fi movie or a giant reel-to-reel recorder.

"What's that?" I asked.

"I am Computo," the machine replied in an unnatural, mechanical monotone. It towered over us and gleamed a faint hint of gold as the street light reflected from its shiny surface. Two large, red discs were in place on its face that represented its eyes. A data output slot formed its mouth which was set in perpetual smile. It's hard to believe such a friendly-looking computer killed one of Triplicate Girl's bodies, but I digress.

The insane robo-computer fired laser beams from its eyes at us. Both groups, the Inferior Five and the Impossible Five, dove for cover behind the shipping crates. I hunkered down with White Feather, Dumb Bunny, Peabody, and Captain Carrot.

The second group found cover behind a row of crates opposite us.

"I believe this is the point in the story where we realize we're both on the same side and join forces to battle an evil threat," yelled Merryman over the bedlam.

"I think you're right," I answered. "I've got a plan. You guys distract him! Sherman stay where you are and be safe!"

"Hello! I'm standing right here," said Computo. "I heard your little plan for distracting me."

The giant, killer computer took the bait as I hoped he would. I called Peabody to my side. "Peabody, I'm going to need you to reach the Way Back Machine. There's a certain item I need from 2005."

I leaned over and whispered in the pooch's ear.

"An excellent plan sir!" Peabody replied. He bravely left the cover of the shipping crates and headed out into danger.

I knew we couldn't leave him on his own. "Now everybody!"

Our group exploded into action and joined Merryman's group in the battle against Computo. Things went well at first but the tide turned quickly when Awkwardman fell while avoiding Computo's tentacles and released the Blimp who he held by a balloon ribbon. The Blimp floated too close to Computo and was hit by one of the killer machine's lasers. The portly hero exploded and flopped around the warehouse like a deflated balloon. He slammed into a stack of crates and they crashed down on him. I was sure he was crushed.

"Shades of Triplicate Girl!" Jonni FDC cried.

Despite the fact there were nine of us left standing (counting Sherman) Computo took advantage of our shock and backed us into a corner. It looked like the end until a brilliant idea struck me. I pushed Dumb Bunny to the front to act as a human shield.

"What are you doing human?" Computo demanded.

"If there's one ounce of human male in your programming there's no way you can harm a package like this," I yelled.

"He's brilliant," White Feather lauded.

Computo's eye discs spun in circles. "My creator did have a soft spot for powerful, buxom blondes but I have renounced my humanity and will begin the execution with Dumb Bunny to make an example of her."

"How did you know my name?" Dumb Bunny asked.

For once she made sense.

"I read the dibs list before agreeing to take part in this woeful tale," Computo explained. "Now to execute the buxom blonde."

"Not so fast!" It was Peabody. He returned with the one thing from the future I knew would save us.

"What's this?" Computo demanded.

"It's a little horror we in the twenty-first century call Windows! Guaranteed to foul up any computer known to man!" Peabody answered.

Computo laughed. "Fools! I am a thirtieth century computer! You dare think something so archaic can stop me?"

Everyone froze for a moment. For a crazy, killer machine he made a good point.

"Technically speaking my good man, you are a Silver Age creator's conceptualization of a thirtieth century computer. One can find more powerful computers in the toy aisle at Dollar Mart," Peabody explained.

"Impossible!" Computo argued.

"It's true!" I added. "My old Texas Instruments calculator is faster than you!"

"This cannot be!" a visibly shaken Computo answered. "Lies! All lies!"

"Face it Computo! You're finished!" said Merryman.

Computo stomped his wheels and crossed his tentacles. "But... But I have lasers!"

"Now! While Peabody has him distracted!" I yelled.

Again we attacked in unison. We did what we could against the maniacal machine and had it reeling. Each hero did his own part. Even Sherman pitched in and kicked the killer computer. By this time he'd gotten into the hero act and was wearing a small, black Lone Ranger-style mask he found somewhere.

"Captain Carrot! It's up to you now!" I yelled.

"I'm on it, AB!" The good captain raced to Peabody and lifted the pooch into the air. He flew him to a slot on the back of Computo's head where he loaded the Windows code into Computo's system.

Computo stopped fighting while we waited anxiously to see what would happen next.

"This is amazing!" said a gleeful Computo in a voice that sounded more like it was synthesized by the familiar Soundblaster16 than his archaic static monotone. "All of my files are arranged in neat folders where they're easily accessible! And check out this ScanDisk! I haven't had this much fun with my hard drive since...."

"Eww!" said Dumb Bunny. "Too much information."

"And this Internet Explorer! I merely think of a subject and millions of bytes of information are flooded to me in seconds. So much glorious raw data! CNN! MSNBC! Ebay! By the way I just purchased an unused pair of Beatles' Shea Stadium tickets for three hundred dollars and viewed the Cartoon Network's schedule for the week in all four time zones!"

"They must be reprints," said Louie. "I think you've been had. Did you use PayPal?"

"No," Computo answered. "I don't have a valid credit or debit card but that's ok. And what's this site? FauxDC? So not all the content on this "internet" is professionally produced? And what's a fanboy? Who is this hack named David Marshall? And a respected, published author like Ralph Angelo writing fan fics? And these Guardians? Why they're nothing but Blue Man Group wannabes! I know a good PaintShop Pro trick when I see one. A second Halloween Special? It boggles the old CPU! And what's this? A link for a timeline and Who's Who! But... But they're not finished. Fanboy ... Fanboy paradise. Dibs. Listttttt.....One could overdose on... overdose on... overdose... overd... over... ove... ooovvvv...."

Computo ground to a halt. I knew he'd find FauxDC sooner or later. Our groups let out a collective sigh.

"Oh poor, Blimp!" Dumb Bunny cried. "That monster killed him!"

Both our groups rushed to the scene of our comrade's demise.

"Help!" said a voice that sounded suspiciously like the Blimp. "Down here underneath what's left of these crates!"

"I've got it," said Captain Carrot. He moved the debris and uncovered a deflated Blimp.

"You scared us, old buddy," said Merryman.

White Feather and Awkwardman slapped their now flexible buddy on the back. "We thought you were a goner," said Awkwardman.

I turned my attention to Sherman, Peabody's boy. "Sherman, where did you get that mask?"

"Gosh, Mr. Bug! I found it among the contents of one of the busted crates the Blimp knocked over," Sherman answered. "I felt so heroic putting it on I couldn't help but pitch in."

I ran to the splintered crates and saw them - costumes! Tons and tons of glorious Halloween merchandise. "We can save Halloween! Mr. Peabody, prepare to return us to 2005!"

"We're going with you," said Merryman. "Perhaps the future could use an entertaining group of super-heroes like us."

I thought of how dark comics had become. "More than you know friend."

"They still have bicycle pumps and patch repair kits in 2005?" Blimp asked.

I nodded. "C'mon everybody! We've got to get these costumes back to the Justice League!"

The JLA Watchtower, The Present

"You want us to wear what?" Superman asked.

"I got costumes for everyone," I explained. I was glad Louie was with me.

Superman snatched his costume away from my hand. "Bug! I can't wear this into battle!"

"It's the best I could do on such short notice, Supes! But it will conceal everyone's identity," I argued.

Batman walked toward me slowly and deliberately. His menacing scowl nearly caused me to pee myself. He looked me dead in the eye. "I will not wear a Ben Cooper costume."

"But Louie and Jonni worked so hard hocus-pocusing the vinyl so it would stretch to fit you," I argued. "Besides, you'll make a great Potsie! Everyone loves Happy Days!"

"I hate to say it, but it's the only real chance we have and we told Ambush Bug that if he'd get us costumes we'd take his case," said J'onn J'onzz. "What monstrosity do you have for me to wear, Bug?"

I liked the Big Green Pea more and more. "Well... I was thinking you'd look good in a Ponch costume. Look it's even got a C.H.I.P.S scene on the front! Ponch and Jon on their motorcycles! Ponch and J'on!. Get it? It's the perfect disguise."

J'onn grabbed the costume and slipped it over his street clothes. "This will do. Everyone grab a costume."

Within minutes the JLA stood before me in full battle regalia. Besides J'onn and Bats, we were joined by Superman dressed as a Sleestak from Land of the Lost. Wonder Woman chose Mary Poppins for herself, but I convinced her she'd look more heroic in the Bewitched costume. I was right. Somehow the Amazon Princess even made the black vinyl with a screen print of a Samantha caricature flying over the moon on a broomstick look good. The eggshell-thin mask with the molded moon-and-stars witch hat didn't hurt either. If only she could wiggle her nose like Elizabeth Montgomery! Aquaman looked fantastic in his Dino costume. Too bad there wasn't a Fred Flinstone around to match. Flash and Green Lantern were dressed as Felix the Cat and Yogi the Bear respectively.

I was so proud. "Come Justice League! Let's take down this mighty evil together!" I beamed from behind my Superman suit and mask and placed my hands on my hips to strike a pose.

"Umm..." said the real Superman. "Bug, about the name. Could you not call us Justice League when we're in these outfits?"

"What should I call you?" I inquired.

"The Ridiculous Seven," Batman pouted.

My god! The man had the personality of piranhas in your bathtub but he was brilliant! "Okay, Ridiculous Seven! Let's take down this mighty evil together!"

"I didn't actually mean..."

Samantha covered Potsie's mouth with her hand. "Sit on it, Potsie! We've got work to do!"

I swear I heard Green Lantern snicker from behind his Felix mask.

We made our way to the JLA teleporter and quickly joined the Inferior Five and the Impossible Five on the ground below outside Bludhaven.

"What's the plan, Bug?" the Super-Sleestak asked.

I could feel the perspiration beading on my forehead. "Plan? Well, I suppose we should... uh... go get the bad guy or something."

Super-Sleestak buried his face in his hands. "Rao preserve us all. Ideas anyone?"

Louie raised his hand. "Since All Hallow's Evil stole the magic of Halloween shouldn't we try to break his spell?"

"But how?" asked Wonder Witch.

Seventeen of the world's mightiest heroes paced the area with their best thinking caps on.

"I've got it!" I cried. "Let's decorate!"

"Decorate?" asked Dumb Bunny. "I thought you were straight! Just when I was thinking you were cute too!"

I shook my head. "No, I mean for Halloween. We'll use our combined super-powers to canvass the city and place carved pumpkins, corn shocks, gourds, and Indian corn everywhere! We brought a whole warehouse full of costumes back with us from 1978! We'll hand them out to all the kids we see on the street. Maybe as each one slips it on it'll slowly break the spell!"

"And if we add some music, I'll start a groovy go-go costume party!" added Dumb Bunny. "To make it look fun!"

"Hey! Wait a minute! A whole warehouse full of costumes?" asked Bat-Potsie. "How come I got stuck with Potsie?"

"Potise..." said J'onn J'onzz.

Bat-Potsie threw his arms in the air and sighed. "I know! I know! Sit on it!"

"That's why!" I laughed as I doled out assignments. Felix Flash and Green Yogi gathered all the pumpkins. Super-Sleestak, Captain Carrot, and the J'on Poncherello were in charge of hay bales and corn shocks respectively. Wonder Witch and Dumb Bunny set up a go-go in the park. Of course they drew a crowd of guys eager to join in. It was child's play for the two beautiful women to talk the young men into donning costumes. The White Feather and Aqua-Dino handed out costumes at the affair. There were so many young men dancing that it brought out the young ladies as well. Merryman, Bat-Potsie, and Peabody organized a neighborhood decorating team that quickly grew in size and soon the city was adorned with tacky spider-webs made of cotton fibers, black cats, ghosts, goblins, and skeletons. Louie, Jonni FDC, and the Blimp made scary mannequins and placed them in people's yards. We gave Awkwardman two cans of spray paint and told him to paint a mural on the side of the tallest building that proclaimed "Merry Christmas Everyone" in bright green and red shades of yule. Of course it came out perfectly and read "Happy Halloween" in bold orange and black Unfortunately he failed to paint it on the tallest building, settling instead for the backside of a 7-11 across from the International Grocery but it kept him out of the way. It may still have been effective if he would have painted it on the front or even one of the sides of the building instead of around back between the restroom doors. The patched-up Blimp used his power to float high over the city and hold aloft an advertising sign that read, "Have A Scary Halloween".

Our efforts attracted more attention and soon I even saw the Green Yogi and the Martian Poncharello teaching kids how to trick-or-treat. Bat-Potise tried too, but the kids kept kicking him in the shins.

As we hoped, the spell slowly lifted over Bludhaven. The events attracted first local then national attention before drawing the one being we really wanted to join us - All Hallow's Evil himself! He arrived in the park in a puff of smoke with a pretty girl on each arm but few noticed his entrance. What was one more costumed freak? He caught me watching him and made a beeline toward me. "What is the meaning of this fiasco?"

I puffed out my chest like a true superhero. "Face it, AHE! You're losing! I just saw on CNN where they're trick-or-treating in Gotham, Metropolis, Star City, Opal City, and all over the country. You can't defeat the Living Embodiment of a Holiday!"

"This can't be!" he cried. "I've worked so hard!"

"But why?" I asked. "What makes you hate Halloween so?"

All Hallow's Evil sighed and slumped forward. "When I was nothing more than a little puff of smoke my parents wouldn't let me trick-or-treat."

"Why?" I asked. "Religious reasons?"

"Family tradition," AHE answered. "They were afraid if they allowed me to dress up I'd have too much fun and want to grow up and be a firefighter, an astronaut, or a superhero, or something like that. Pop didn't want to be the last in a long line of malevolent, ethereal beings."

One of the girls he was with stroked his face with a teasing finger. "There! There! You poor evil genie!"

"So you never got to go?" I asked

"One year when I was but a wee lad of 356 years," AHE replied. "My Aunt Kazama took me. I wanted to dress up as a fireman, but she insisted I dress up as a maid."

"A maid?" I asked incredulously.

All Hallow's Evil nodded. "Yeah. That was everyone else's reaction too. They thought I was some kind of pervert. All I got were ten slaps across the face, a kick where it hurts, and a lousy popcorn ball from the town gossip, Old Lady Ogre-Face. Little did I know my Aunt used me as an excuse to get out of the house. She drug me along to a screening of the Rocky Horror Picture Show."

"Egad!" I cried. "No older than a puff of smoke?"

"Exactly. It scarred me for life and turned me against Halloween."

I had a brilliant idea. "I tell you what. If you remove your spell from the rest of the world, you can have your pick of costume and as the Living Embodiment of Halloween I'll make sure you get nothing but good candy in your Treat Bag! No popcorn balls!"

AHE brightened up. "Really? Any costume I want?"

"Absolutely. I have two requests though." I whispered some instructions in the genie's ear.

"How evil of you, if I may so myself," said the genie.

"Well I did start my comic life as a supervillain," I replied.

All Hallow's Evil laughed and then gestured. The spell was broken and things returned to normal all over the world. The Ben Cooper costumes of the Ridiculous Seven gave way to the familiar Justice League costumes. Well most of them anyway.

"Hey!" cried Bat-Potsie. "Where's my costume?"

In unison everyone in the park cried, "Sit on it, Potsie!"

Epilogue, the JLA Watchtower

Many members of the Justice League, both old and new, were gathered to honor - me! This was more like it! I had finally arrived as a superhero! I sat proudly with my colleagues from the Impossible Five and the Inferior Five. We were the guests of honor!

Superman, Wonder Woman, and the Martian Manhunter stood at a podium to address the crowd. Supes took the lead and stepped forward to a microphone.

"I know I'm really going to hate myself for saying this," said Superman. "But you performed admirably, Ambush Bug. Very well indeed. You have the gratitude of millions of children and are recognized as the Patron Saint of Halloween. You also have the gratitude... of ... of..." He looked over his shoulder at the Amazon Princess and pleaded with his eyes. "I can't say this."

He turned to leave, but Wonder Woman elbowed him back to the podium with a fake smile still plastered on her perfect, glossy lips. What a babe!

"Go on," said J'onn. "And no speed talking. We're not all Flashes you know."

I couldn't believe it. J'onn elicited a chuckle from the crowd.

Superman continued. "Ambush Bug you have the gratitude of the... sigh... Justice League of America."

I stepped forward. It was like a dream come true. All my hard work paid off. I was one of them now. "Does this mean I'm a member?"

"No," Superman answered. "Absolutely not!"

"An honorary member?"

"No," said J'onn. He shuddered visibly.

"Then you'll recognize both the Impossible Five and the Inferior Five as peers?" I asked.

The three Leaguers conferred. "We've reached a decision. Your actions should be rewarded."

"Yes?" I asked impatiently.

"It has been decided to let you pull a complete run of our series from the quarter bins of your local comic shop and charge it to the JLA's account," Superman replied. "If your groups study them hard and prove heroic, we'll revisit the subject in a year."

"Wow!" I hoped my enthusiasm wasn't too obvious. "The real JLA run or..."

"The FDC run," Wonder Woman was quick to correct. "But we will pay for the ink to print them out if you promise to adjust your printer to print color images in black and white."

"Oh," I answered. I shrugged my shoulders. "It's a start. Happy Halloween everyone!"

"Happy Halloween, Ambush Bug!" everyone echoed.

And that dear reader is how I saved Halloween a second time.

---

Special Notes and Disclaimers- No livestock were harmed in the making of this tale. Dave would like to thank the company that makes those little white pills for making this all possible. Don't hate yourself for having read this far. Hate is a negative emotion. I do apologize that you can never get back the fifteen to thirty minutes it took you to read this. I apologize to my fellow writers in advance if I have tainted this year's Halloween Special and driven off your readers. Have a Happy Halloween.

David Marshall