Halloween Bird Cage Liner #1

"Holiday Spirit"

by David Marshall

My name is Ambush Bug. Nobody remembers me. Well, except maybe a few internet geeks who are into comics also, but most of their shrines to me are located on Angelfire and people avoid it like the plague because of the endless parade of shameless pop-up ads. How many X-10 cameras do you need anyway? And why do they always show a beautiful woman in their ads? Hmmmm... Anyhow, my sites get almost as many hits these days as Ricky Martin's. But I'm getting sidetracked. This story isn't about websites, but rather the search for the true meaning of Halloween and how I saved it.

It all started a few days before the holiday. I was working at Dollar-Mart. Oh yeah, I retired from the Hero business. I haven't even seen a superhero since last summer, when I saw the Flash and that Power Girl babe in Subway. Va-Va-Voom! She was definitely the steak and ol' Helmet Head was the cheese. (Oh yeah, it was the old guy Flash.) But back to the Dollar Mart. There was a mother and son in the Halloween aisle......

OBLIGITORY FLASHBACK (Yes it's early in the tale but....)

"Look Momma! A Superman costume! Can I get it?" The little boy tugged at his mother's ankle-length coat.

"But honey, you're going to be a firefighter this year, remember?" his mother asked.

"But I want it!" the little boy screamed.

"Now be a good boy and don't talk back or you won't go trick-or-treating," his mother scolded.

The tyke looked as pleased as Darkseid with a wedgie. "But I want it!"

That's how it started. The pitiful scene inspired me to heights I haven't known since I helped Supes with that Kobra case a few years back. For those who don't remember, I think it was Pre-Crisis. Anyways, I walked over to the mother and son.

WHACK!!!! I back-handed the young man across the mouth.

"EEEEK!!!! What are you doing?" his mother demanded.

I proudly stuck out my chest. "Someone needs to discipline this brat! And it's a well-known fact that only mild-mannered reporters for major metropolitan newspapers look good in a Superman outfit. Everyone else just looks like Christopher Reeve!"

"Or... gulp... Dean Cain?" the mother asked.

I hung my head. "Yes. After all, there was a reason they called it the Adventures of Lois and Clark."

The now-toothless lad looked up at me from where he lay on the floor and smiled. "Gee... thanks mister! You've made me see that Halloween is more than a generic holiday that forces my parents to buy ridiculously overpriced costumes imported from third world sweatshops!"

The mother jerked her son to his feet and hugged him hard. "Oh, son! You've seen the light! And at such an early age!" She turned to me with tears of joy in her eyes and squinted to read my name tag. "Thank you, Mr. A. Bug! God bless you!"

I felt so wonderful, but the little boy got me to thinking. What is the real meaning of Halloween? Then I had an epiphany! I - Irwin Schwartz - was destined to be the Burl Ives of Halloween! I was born to show others the true meaning of the season so I could save the holiday from blatant commercialism! I vowed to make changes in my life. No more sleeping until noon. No more endless nights of Playstation. I crossed high cholesterol foods off my diet! I would cancel my Playboy subscription and live a sanctified existence. After all I was the embodiment of the holiday! I would eat all my veggies, take out the garbage, stop playing the lottery, exercise, sleep right, and.... ok, so I would keep the Playboys. But first I had to get a handle on the true meaning of Halloween. And with a *POP* that hadn't been heard in years, I was gone.

Gotham City

Sentinel readied himself to leap into the air. A voice behind him cut short his leap. "They say you can never go home again."

Sentinel turned, not really surprised. "I was wondering if I'd see you here."

Batman stepped forward from the shadows. "What brings you back to Gotham?"

"'Cuz it's my kind of town!" I replied.

The two heroes were startled by my sudden appearance.

"What are you doing in my town, Bug?" the Bat demanded. His nostrils flared like a war horse.

"I have something to ask you. Hey! Isn't that the original Green Lantern? Shouldn't you be like 800 years old or something?"

"What do you want Bug?" Batman stepped toward me with his fists clenched tightly. "Something is going down right now and I don't have time for your escapades."

I was undaunted. After all, I was the living spirit of a holiday! And who was he? The Bat? Feh.... I've dealt with Superman and he's a freakin' alien! "Do either of you know the true meaning of Halloween?"

The old Green Lantern and Batman stared blankly at one another. Batman thought he was smart by whispering to the Green Lantern, but I could hear him plainly. You'd think a guy so well trained would be more skilled at whispering. It was almost as if he wanted me to hear.

"You handle the nutcase here and I'll take the job down below," Bats whispered.

"Who is he?" asked the Green Lantern.

"He's a wannabe sometime-hero who used to give Superman trouble," Bats answered.

"Wannabe? I know Jonni FDC!" I cried. "But I've obviously come to the wrong place. It looks as if you two were about to have a moment!"

*POP*

How rude! Would they treat Santa Claus like that? I think not! And what did he have that I didn't, besides the love and adoration of children everywhere? And that whole reindeer gig was pretty cool too. But you want to talk sweatshops? What kind of holiday icon forces Danny Devito's cousins to work around the clock in bitter cold so he can dash around the world to sample milk and cookies? Saint Nicholas? Bah, humdinger! Some hero! Superman would never do such a thing.

Of course! Why didn't I think of it before! Supes would help me!

*POP*

Metropolis

High above the skies of Metropolis, Metallo hurled Superman into the "This Morning Metropolis" building with a ferocious blow. Neon tubes that once spelled out the show's title exploded, sending shards of glass toward the crowd gathered below.

I arrived in the nick of time. Supes obviously needed my help.

Superman hesitated for only a moment to glare at his opponent then used his heat vision to vaporize the falling glass.

"Very clever, Man of Steel," said Metallo. "But even you can't be in fifty places at once!"

"I don't have time for this, Metallo," Superman replied. He flew above the skyscrapers once more.

Metallo's laugh was colder than the wind chill. "How right you are! You don't have time, Man of Steel. I have planted a huge bomb in one of Metropolis' most important buildings but I won't tell you which one. But I will give you a hint. It's lined with lead. You have thirty seconds to save as many people as you can while I make off like a bandit. If you'll pardon the expression!"

A burst of super-cold air from Superman's mouth slammed into his opponent and hurled him to the pavement below. "You stay there while I round up these..."

"HIYA SUPES!!!"

Superman stopped in mid-air. "Ambush Bug? Great just what I need!"

Just as I suspected! He needed my help. I always knew the Man of Steel had a soft spot for working with me. "Hey, we could be full time partners like Batman and that kid in the red suit! Don't you find it odd that a full grown man cavorts about town at all hours with a young boy in tights?"

Superman grabbed me and flew me to the ground. He sat me down forcefully like he was trying to plant me like a tree. "Stay out of my way!"

He flew back into the air.

*POP*

I landed on Superman's back and rode the Flying Carpet of Steel. That Aladdin kid had a good thing going.

"Do you want to fill me in partner? Maybe if we split up I can help you find what you're looking for and then you can help me."

"You idiot!" Supes always talked to me like that when a case was getting really juicy. "There are lives at stake here! A madman has planted a bomb somewhere in the city! I have thirty seconds to find it."

"Oh," I answered. "Is that what's bothering you? Hold on tight!"

*POP*

With that we landed in the basement of the Third National Bank. It was empty, so we popped to another building. At last we found it in the basement of the Eighth Precinct. I pointed it out to Superman. "There it is, Supes!"

Superman looked green (not Kryptonite poisoning green, but "I'm-gonna-toss-my-Super-cookies green), but managed to whisk the bomb out of the building.

When he returned, ol' Supes placed his hands on his knees. He didn't look so good. At last, he blew Super-Chunks. "How do you stand teleporting?"

"It's my super power!" I boasted proudly.

"I thought your super power was..."

Again, Supes made Kryptonian Chunky Soup. This time he fell to his hands and knees. He wiped his mouth with a blue spandex sleeve. "I thought your super power was driving me nuts."

I laughed heartily. "I would be insulted if I thought you meant that, Superman. But now I need your help. By the way, what did you do with the bomb?"

"I flew it to the asteroid belt between Jupiter and Mars," Superman answered.

"Asteroids, huh? That reminds me. I need to dig out my old Atari 2600," I replied. "Wait a minute! If you could fly to the asteroid belt and back in thirty seconds, why did you need my help?"

"I didn't NEED your help," Supes yelled. Whoever called him a Boy Scout apparently never worked with him on a case. "You popped onto my back and we popped around the city before I could argue. I was too nauseous to argue."

I felt ten feet tall! Superman gave me a compliment! I think. No one ever told me before that I made them nauseous. I made a mental note to look up the word in Webster's if I ever bought a dictionary. But I didn't want Supes thinking I didn't know the meaning of the word so I winged it. "Thanks, Supes. I do my best. Now about you helping me..."

Superman sat up. "What are you rambling about, Bug?"

"Do you know the true meaning of Halloween?" I asked.

"The what?" Superman replied. I wasn't aware my powers affected his super-hearing.

"DO YOU KNOW THE TRUE MEANING OF HALLOWEEN?" I yelled.

"Stop shouting," Superman ordered. "I heard you the first time." "Sheesh! Make up your mind!" I replied.

"I know I'll probably regret this, but... Halloween is an ancient Earth tradition dating back to at least the Celts of the 5th century B.C. Their summer officially ended on October 31. They called the holiday Samhain and they observed it as their New Year. In more modern times, it derived its name from All Hallows Eve, a Christian holiday celebrating all saints everywhere. Like most other holidays, Halloween has been commercialized...blah blah blah."

Supes went on like that for ten minutes. It was as exciting as an Al Gore marathon on C-SPAN. I tuned him out and tried to think up an excuse to leave. "Hey! Didn't you leave Metallo on the street somewhere?"

"Great Krypton! I forgot what I was doing!" Superman said and flew away in a blur of blue and red.

Maybe I could find another hero to help me.

*POP*

I arrived in my old office and broke out the local Dial H for Hero yellow pages and the Mayfair Games Atlas of the DC Universe to find my next destination. Hmm... Alabama! What kind of Superhero could possibly live in Alabama?

*POP*

I arrived outside of Manchester, Alabama and looked around. It looked like Norman Rockwell America, a quaint town nestled in the heart of Dixie. Had my poppers gone mad? I popped my way down interstate 65 singing "Oh Susanna". Ok, I hummed all the parts except the one about coming to Alabama with a banjo on my knee. Before long, I made my way into town and spotted a commotion in the middle of the city. A giant, robot was attacking the downtown business district. It looked like a job for Ambush....

WHOOOOOOOSH!!!!!

...Bug?

What was that?

A mighty breeze blew by me like I was standing still. Well, I was standing still, but all I could see were two blurs. One was blue and white and the other red and white.

The blurs sprung to a stop before the giant robot. I recognized them as Max Mercury and his sidekick, Impulse. "Don't rush into trouble," warned the older hero.

"What trouble, Max?" Impulse asked.

Another geezer hero with a young sidekick? I swore to file a complaint with the Comics Code Authority. Seduction of the Innocent indeed!

"Let's analyze the situation carefully before we..."

Before Max could finish his sentence, Impulse was gone.

"Impulse! Come back here!" Max cried, to no avail. He shook his head and sighed, then followed his partner into battle.

The pair whirred around the robot with dizzying speed and precision. Not only did it confuse their towering foe, it gave me time to study the threat. The robot was nearly fifty feet tall and made of a coppery green metal. Its gait was heavy, leaving behind a crater in the wake of each footstep. Things looked bad, but I wasn't about to let a pair of second-rate Flashes steal my thunder!

*POP*

"Hey, kid! Beat it!" I said to Impulse.

He came to a dead stop. "I knew it! Max, they're filming a television commercial!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Max. He too stopped.

Impulse pointed to me. "Here's Sprout and I bet the robot is really the Jolly Green Giant! I didn't know the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant was right here in Alabama!"

The kid may have been a poor man's Flash, but his detective skills were on par with the Dark Knight! I never knew the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant was in Alabama, either. I was amazed he brought all the clues together so quickly and arrived at the only possible answer.

"I apologize, kid. You're a genius," I said.

"Thank you, Sprout. Why is the Green Giant not jolly?"

No one ever called me Sprout before, but if Impulse thought I was the Jolly Green Giant's nephew, then who was I to argue? "I'm not sure, but we must do something fast! How do you calm a fifty-foot un-jolly green giant?" (Unabashed product placement).

Max raced to our side. "Don't be an idiot, man!"

Idiot? So Max Mercury recognized the same greatness in me that Supes did. I knew we were on the right track.

I turned to Max. "I have an idea! I remember one commercial where the Jolly Green Giant liked music. Perhaps if I had a saxophone..."

"I'll find you one," said Impulse.

"Impulse, wait!" Max cried, but it was too late. His partner was on a solemn quest to find the one weapon that would save Manchester, Alabama from certain destruction.

"Mister, I don't know who you are, but lives are at stake here," said Max. He sounded more and more like Superman and Batman. "I need Impulse to help me disassemble that robot and you have him on a wild goose chase!" "I'm back!" said Impulse. In his hand was a shiny new Yamaha soprano saxophone (product placement paid for by manufacturer, all rights reserved).

I took the sax from his hands and wet the reed. Then I played. Or at least, I tried to. I couldn't play the saxophone. Could it be that I wasn't Sprout, but an impostor?

Impulse raced to my side. "C'mon, Sprout, quit fooling. Max is gonna be really mad at me."

Again, I tried to play, but the squeaks and squawks that emanated from the horn were worse than a Kenny G box set. "It's obvious some clever villain is behind the loss of my powers."

"Ok, enough of this nonsense!" Max yelled. He whisked the instrument from my hands and quickly disassembled it. "Impulse, this is not Sprout and the robot isn't the Jolly Green Giant! Now let's take it apart before..."

Geez... why didn't the geezer just say so?

*POP*

I popped inside the robot and slugged the mad scientist controlling it, bringing it to a grinding halt. If the wannabe Flashes were no more fun than this, I figured I may as well bring things to an end.

*POP*

I reappeared before the heroes with the villain wrapped up neatly in the coils of the Duncan Yo-Yo I kept on me at all times. (Product placement again. You didn't think you'd read a story without advertisements did you? What do you think this is? A graphic novel?) "Is this what you're looking for?"

"Max! Look! He's got the villain! Imagine that! Some guy was inside the robot," said Impulse.

Max Mercury rubbed his head. "I can't believe this is happening."

"We owe you big time, Sprout," said Impulse. "Is there anything we can do to repay you?"

"Do you know the real meaning of Halloween?"

They looked stumped.

"Trick or treat and all that?" asked Impulse.

"Yeah."

"Have you tried the public library?" asked Max.

If they could see underneath my mask they would have noticed me blushing. I had made good on most of my criminal deeds in the past, but there was that library fine I could never quite repay. The way I figured it, I could buy fifty-three copies of "Personal Teleportation for Dummies" with what I owed on it.

I knew the Impulse kid could help, but wishing to avoid an investigation into my sad library records I replied, "Gee thanks, mister. Why didn't I think of that?"

*POP*

This was getting me nowhere! What was wrong with these people? Where was it written that heroes had to be so lacking in social graces? Why couldn't they see me for who I was? I was the living embodiment of a holiday! I deserved respect! They should be more sensitive and understanding. Wait! Sensitive? Understanding? I needed to talk to a woman! I had an idea!

*POP*

Wonder Woman ducked under the kick of some lady dressed as a leopard for Halloween. The force of the blow shattered a brick wall behind the Amazon. I was a little confused. Was the lady in the leopard pajamas Wonder Woman's foe or was she on the lam from Sigfried and Roy?

"Hold still, damn you!" yelled the leopard lady. Were those ears on her pajamas?

"We don't have to do this, Cheetah," Wonder Woman warned. "Let me help you."

"I don't need your help," the leopard lady hissed. She raked the Amazon with razor sharp claws, scratching her face. Blood flowed from the wound.

I wished for some hot, buttered popcorn. Or that the women were hot and buttered. "Yeah! Chick fight! My money's on the half-naked Amazon!"

The combatants stopped fighting and glared at me.

"You dare doubt me, male maggot?" said the leopard lady. She lunged at me, but I was a step ahead of her.

*POP*

"I'm a bug, not a maggot!" I answered.

I teleported to the safest place this side of fanboy heaven - cradled in the Amazon's arms and stared up into her fiery, dark eyes. "Mommy."

This must have startled Wonder Woman, because she accidentally dropped me on my posterior region.

"You idiot! You'll get yourself killed."

I turned to the leopard lady. "Yeah, you'll get yourself killed."

"Not her, you!" said Wonder Woman. "Now, please clear the area."

I walked away and was about to 'port but the leopard lady lunged again and caught me by surprise. She wrenched my arm behind my back, forcing it toward my shoulder.

"Ouch! Hey! Ow! Ow! Leggo!" I shouted.

"This is between you and me, Cheetah," said Wonder Woman.

"We're getting nowhere and this nut job looks like the perfect ticket out of here," said the leopard lady.

I was in real danger so I did what all heroes do when they're in a tough predicament- I kept the villain talking in hopes of uncovering her diabolical plans. "Are those ears on your pajamas real or just decorative, leopard lady? What am I saying? Of course they're real. I bet you get that question all the time."

She wrenched my arm even harder.

"Ouch! That kinda hurts."

"Shut up!" yelled the leopard lady. "Or I'll kill you."

Ok. Her diabolical plan was pretty simple. I didn't have to be Impulse to figure that one out.

The leopard lady put her claws to my throat.

"As bad as I hate to break up a good chick fight, would this be a bad time to inquire what you ladies know about the true meaning of Halloween?"

"What?" they asked in unison.

"Halloween. You know the holiday when otherwise normal folks dress up in outlandish costumes and go out in public and..." I tried another approach. "I thought since Wonder Woman schmoozed with the Gods she'd know."

"This is too delicious," the leopard lady cooed. "Nut jobs are excellent hostages."

"Hostage? Now just one minute leopard lady..."

"That's Cheetah," she answered and wrenched my arm even harder.

"Leopard, cheetah, whatever," I answered. "You're playing too rough."

"I'm not playing."

"Let him go, Cheetah," said Wonder Woman.

I winked at the Amazon. "I've got this one, babe."

*POP*

I landed on the leopard lady's shoulders. My unexpected added weight forced her to the ground. She didn't move. "Sorry Pajamas, but Buggy don't like this game anymore."

Wonder Woman wrapped Cheetah with her famed golden lasso. Once the Amazon apprehended her foe, she glowered at me.

"What?" I asked. "No thanks for the assist? Chicks sure are moody."

"You have no idea what this woman is capable of. You could have been killed."

It was like talking to Superman in a bikini. "Thanks for nothing, Wonder Toots."

*POP*

I was growing even more discouraged. Where were those helpful Super Friends that smiled at me from my television set on Saturday mornings when I was a kid? I'd already tried Superman. Wonder Woman. Batman. Flash (well kinda, but he was a nice kid. Smart too). Green Lantern (Ok, so it was the old guy). And...

Inspiration struck. Why didn't I think of it before? Maybe I was setting my sights too high. I overlooked the one hero was so uncool and unhip that he'd be happy someone would give him a chance to play a real champion.

*POP*

The Atlantic Ocean was beautiful. It stretched from horizon to horizon in glorious splendor. Large, towering waves chased after smaller choppers like a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Hovering above the icy waters of the North Atlantic, I was struck by a number of things.

Number One. There was no land in sight.

Number Two. I couldn't swim.

Number Three. The Wile E. Coyote Law of Physics, which states that any living being who is unable to fly will defy gravity and remain suspended until he discovers he is hovering in mid-air. At such point the poor, unlucky sap will...

SPLOOSH!!!

"Blub! Blub! Glub! Glub!"

I kicked and screamed and ached for the sweet air above the ocean's surface, but found myself sinking deeper into the dark abyss. I tried to 'port but couldn't make contact with any of my bugs.

I reached my hand toward the surface and hummed a few bars of "My Heart Will Go On" to no avail. This was it.

While swearing to myself this was the dumbest idea ever, my life flashed before my eyes. No, it wasn't my life. What was it? There! To the right! And another to the left.

I was surrounded by large shadows.

No, large fish.

No, wait! They were... SHARKS!!!

I thrashed in horror as Jaws I and II circled me. The spirit of Halloween couldn't die like a common grub worm! Could he?

The sharks moved in and one of them took my arms gently into their maws. Great! They were setting me up for a hearty game of tug of war and ol' Buggy was the rope.

I said my prayers but was surprised when they raised me toward the surface.

As soon as I broke the surface of the water, I sucked air deep into my lungs. It tasted sweeter than a whole roll of Pez. (Product placement. Hey, somebody's gotta foot the bill for this tale. It's sure not you. After all, you're reading it on the internet.) The friendly sharks stayed with me and allowed me to rest on their backs.

I laid there for twenty minutes coughing up water and amazed that the sharks hadn't eaten me.

Suddenly, the water churned around me with terrific force. Something was emerging from the deep. Maybe it was the Shark Police coming to arrest my rescuers for being so nice to me. I jumped when the mysterious object broke the surface.

"What are you doing in my ocean?" Aquaman demanded.

"Captain Hook!" I answered. "I should have known it was you who commanded these sharks to save me."

"They're dolphins," Aquaman answered.

"Oh." I studied the sharks more carefully. He was right. They were dolphins. No wonder he was called the King of the Sea.

"I knew that." (I made a mental note that when retelling this story it would be more exciting for the reader if I retconned the dolphins back into sharks. I tell the truth here for the Halloween record.)

"What are you doing in my ocean?" the King of Atlantis reiterated.

"Well, Captain Hook, I wanted to ask you if you..."

"I am Arthur, Monarch of the Seven Seas and you will address me as such! Certainly not as Captain Hook."

I considered arguing the point, but decided it best to humor him. "Hey, what happened to that ugly orange costume you used to wear? This look is too Fabio meets Charlie Manson."

"I don't have time for this, you impudent bug!"

Aha! So Aquaman knew who I was. "Then let me get straight to the point. Do you know the true meaning of Halloween?"

"You endangered your life to ask me that?"

Not only was Aquaman square as a Rubik's Cube, but he was certainly no Impulse either. "It's important the world knows," I answered.

"I know little of ridiculous human celebrations. Now leave my ocean!"

I was getting a little fed up with the King of Atlantis. "Listen closely, Nemo because I have some news for you! This big drink of water belongs to us all! Don't you watch the Discovery Channel?"

Aquaman raised his hook and pointed it at me. "There will be no debating my command! I'm not Superman or Wonder Woman. I can easily feed you to the sharks."

My laughter bellowed. "Jokes on you! They're dolphins!"

"My telepathy works on sharks too," Aquaman answered.

Again, he had a point. I was on his home turf. Wait until I got this joker on dry land. Like a fish out of the proverbial water. "Ookla the Mok was so right about you."

"I've had enough of this nonsense," said Aquaman. "How did you get here?"

"I teleported."

"You have ten seconds to teleport out of my ocean or those dolphins will dive. Your power doesn't seem to work too well under water."

I furrowed my brow. Another point for the Human Trout. "Ok, I'll go."

The Chicken of the Sea disappeared beneath the waves, leaving me alone on the dolphin's backs.

I was about to teleport when AquaManson poked his head up from the waves. "And if you see Ookla the Mok, tell them that Peter David did too make me cool!"

Aquaman disappeared again.

I figured the count must be on about nine so I...

*POP*

Of all the grouchy... Aquaman made Bats look like Betty Boop. Surely there was a nice superhero out there somewhere. Someone who was kind and helpful and honest and brave. Someone who wouldn't dismiss a fella just because he wasn't on the Justice League's A-list.

Inspiration struck like a wet noodle.

First, I'd need to contact my good buddy, Jonni FDC. I retrieved the magic coin she gave me and rubbed it. "C'mon, Jonni. Where are ya, babe?"

Suddenly a bright light lit up the room and Jonni appeared before me. Her hair was tussled and her FDC logo was crooked. What ordeal had she faced to get to me? "What now, Buggy?"

"I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time," I apologized.

"I was on a hot date with Speedy the Alka-Seltzer guy," she answered. (Product Placement... blah, blah, blah.) Now I know why Superman didn't give Jimmy Olsen a signal watch when Byrne rebooted him."

"Sorry, Toots. I need to visit Earth-S."

"You know it was destroyed in the Crisis, Buggy. I'm sure the revamped Captain Marvel would be happy to..."

I did what any self-respecting hero would do. I laid on the floor and kicked and screamed to get my way. "I need the real one!"

I held my breath to let her know I was really upset.

"Buggy, I'm sure you're turning blue under there, but you have a mask on. I can't see your face."

I exhaled loudly. Why does everyone keep scoring points?

Jonni sighed. "I need to get back to my date. They call him Speedy for a reason, ya know. Don't you tell anyone I did this, because I can only do it for cheesy one-shots that don't affect continuity in any way. Do you understand?"

I nodded. "You know any book involving me has absolutely nothing to do with continuity. How do you think Dave gets away with writing this garbage? Miry and Ralph would have his head on a platter if he tried to shoe-horn this mess into regular FDC continuity."

"Well then, one round-trip ticket to Earth-S coming right up!" said Jonni. "When you're ready to come home, click your heels together three times and say..."

"There's no place like home?" I asked.

Jonni's face lit up. "Hey, I like that! Much better than what I've been using."

I was curious. "What have you been using?"

"Miry, when is the next update?" she answered.

"I've heard that somewhere before. You can use my line if you like."

"Thanks, Buggy. At least my trip here was productive," said Jonni. She blew me a kiss. "Now away you go!"

I expected a stomach-bending, mind-altering trip through some psychedelic wonderland, but instead the trip was nothing more than a blink of the eye and I was on Earth-S.

I arrived in the midst of a battle royale between the Marvel Family and a host of their foes.

The Big Red Cheese himself battled Black Adam to a standstill. Both landed mighty blows that would level mountains. Mary Marvel struggled with a giant robot creation of Dr. Sivana's. (Too bad Earth-S didn't have its own version of that Impulse kid. He was a great robot fighter. He could even get a comic of his own about fighting robots. Call it, Impulse, Robot Fighter, or something like that. But I digress...)

Captain Marvel Junior fought valiantly against Kang the Conqueror, but wasn't faring well. How any self-respecting superhero could be beaten by a hairy neanderthal wearing a Viking helmet (and I'm not talking the Minnesota Vikings) is beyond me. And that name? Junior? Could you imagine Batman, Jr? Green Arrow, Jr? Star-Spangled Kid, Jr? I shuddered and was thankful National Periodicals put more imagination into naming their sidekicks during the Golden Age than Fawcett.

But the Marvels didn't stop there. Oh, no! It was like Marvels on Parade! Uncle Marvel tripped and bumbled his way against Sivana's minions on the ground. Of course, he was aided by Hoppy the Marvel Bunny, the good-looking Sivana kids, a talking tiger and the Lieutenant Marvels. You know them, right? Tall Marvel, Fat Marvel, and Hillbilly Marvel. I looked around for Marcia Brady Marvel, Three-Toed Sloth Marvel, Nascar Marvel, Red Sovine Marvel, and Sonny and Cher Marvel, but they were apparently busy doing comic book conventions. There were more cheeseheads on Earth-S than at a Packers game!

No one paid much attention to me so I moved through the battlefield at will and found a nice, large rock to sit on and waited. Watching him fight Black Adam, I could hardly believe this was the same Captain Marvel that kicked Supe's butt in Kingdom Come, but chalked that up as an Elseworlds.

Back and forth the battle raged. It was exciting at first but the Marvels aggravated me quickly. They were too darn nice! Whenever they beat an opponent, they apologized and called for first aid immediately at which point Hawkeye Pierce Marvel ran onto the battlefield and carried them off on a stretcher.

I watched this scene unfold for about an hour then I heard a tiny roar of laughter. There on the rock beside me was a small, green worm.

"Isn't this wonderful?" asked the little worm. "The Marvel Family fighting to the point of exhaustion with these hallucinations I'm projecting with my new Mind Altering Gizmo."

"You mean the villains aren't real?" I asked incredulously. Was I really talking to a worm?

"Exactly!" the worm answered. "You must be a bad guy too, since you feel no desire to fight the villains. It's designed to work only on Marvel Family do-gooders."

"Actually I'm a Post-Crisis observer."

"Never read that paper before, but if the media is here then the entire cosmos will know of my final triumph over the Marvel Family! This is too splendid to be true."

"How can you defeat the Marvels if the Joes they're fighting aren't real?"

"That's the beauty of my scheme! To defeat the Marvels without striking a single blow! Once they wear themselves out, the real villains will help me deal with those pesky Marvels once and for all! Then all will bow before the genius of Mr. Mind!"

"So you're the real bad guy here?"

The worm laughed evilly. "Yes! Isn't it magnificent?"

I couldn't stand by and allow that to happen.

"Have you fought the Marvels before?" I asked.

The worm nodded. "Yes, many times."

"And no one has done this?" I took the slimy little booger between my finger and thumb and squeezed tight.

Mr. Mind thrashed in my grip. "No! Stop! What are you doing? This is Earth-S! Everyone is supposed to be nice on this...."

Worm guts splattered my gloved hand. No wonder I hadn't squished a worm since I was three. Nasty!

Suddenly, the villains blinked out of existence. Fatigued Marvels dropped to the battlefield, panting with exhaustion.

"What happened?" asked Captain Marvel.

"I defeated Mr. Mind," I proclaimed. "He was behind it all. You were battling illusions."

The Big Red Cheese rushed to me and patted me on the back. "I don't know who you are mister, but we owe you one. Who knows what would have happened if you hadn't been here."

Like all great heroes, I had to explain things once the caper was over. "He was going to let you fight his illusions until you were pooped, then he was going to bring in the real villains to finish you off."

"The fiend," said Mary Marvel.

"How can we ever repay you?" asked Captain Marvel, Jr.

"Do you know the true meaning of Halloween?" I asked.

The Marvels rubbed their chins and thought about it. I could see the Wisdom of Solomon on their furrowed brows.

Finally, Captain Marvel answered. "Halloween celebrates evil and glorifies monster, goblins, and ghosts. It isn't allowed here. Jerry Falwell Marvel says..."

I held up my hand. I'd heard enough. There would be no answers on Earth-S. There obviously wasn't a Larry Flynt Marvel on this world to balance things out. "Then could you at least tell me where I could wash the worm guts off my hand? It feels gross."

Every Marvel on Earth-S gasped collectively.

"You squished Mr. Mind?" Mary Marvel asked.

"Yeah," I beamed. "I don't know why you guys didn't think of it before. After all, he was only a worm."

Captain Marvel balled up his fists. "Mister, you're more evil than all our enemies combined. You will stand trial for this."

He grabbed me by my costume and lifted me in the air. Little did he know I had a Johnny Cochran Marvel up my sleeve! I clicked my heels together three times. "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home!"

*POP*

I kissed the floor of my apartment.

Yuck! I always assumed the "S" in Earth-S stood for Shazam. Boy, was I wrong! Sweet! That's what it stands for! Like a sugar factory. No wonder Mary Marvel gets away with flying around in that miniskirt! Even the villains are too darn nice to peek.

I slumped into my thinking chair. Now what? The Marvel Family was no help. It seemed there was a Marvel for everything but Halloween.

Marvel family? Hmm....

I retrieved my magic coin from my costume and rubbed it. (I know. Where are my pockets? Don't think too hard about it or you'll ruin the tale.) Nothing happened. "C'mon Jonni. Where are you?"

I waited a little longer and rubbed a little more, but still nothing. Now what could be so important that Jonni would ignore me? I chucked the magic coin back into my pocket and wished for a magic lottery ticket instead. Just then a knock on the door brightened my spirits.

I rushed to the door and threw it open. "Jonni! I knew you wouldn't let me..."

"Greetings, I am the Phantom Stranger. Jonni can't be disturbed right now. She sent me to aid you in your distress."

The being before me was dressed in a dark blue suit and felt hat. A matching cape hung from his shoulders. He looked like the Phantom Stranger alright, but something wasn't quite right. I decided to play along until I could figure it out. "The Phantom Stranger? Wow!"

The Phantom Stranger limped into the room.

"Hey! Why would the Phantom Stranger limp? And don't you usually just appear out of the clear blue sky when you're needed? What's with the knocking?"

The Phantom Stranger looked befuddled but quickly recovered and got all mysterious on me. "Your pitiful human mind cannot comprehend the ways of the Phantom Stranger."

"Hey! You have a comet on your shoe!" I exclaimed.

The Phantom Stranger looked at his shoe. "A comet? I don't understand."

"There's toilet paper stuck to your loafers," I answered. I didn't know the Phantom Stranger wore loafers. And not just any loafers, mind you. I'm talking Pat Boone white buckskins.

"Oh, I see," said the Phantom Stranger as he removed the tissue from his heel. "A comet, huh? That's a good one. I'll have to remember it."

"What's going on here?" I asked. "Your suit looks like you bought it from the clearance rack at Goodwill. (Plug). You're wearing Pat Boone loafers. You're limping. And you had a comet stuck to your loafers. I smell a rat."

The Phantom Stranger sighed and sat in my broken Lazy-Boy. (Had to do an extra plug since I didn't do one for the Shazam thingie.) He removed his hat. He wasn't what I was expecting. He was a balding man who reminded me of Luis from the old Electric Company. His eyes were haggard and worn. He looked like a down-on-his-luck hobo. "You've busted me, pal. I'm not really the Phantom Stranger. I'm his second cousin, Louie. He lets me fill in for him on cheesy annuals and one shots from time to time."

"Cool gig! Do you like it?" I asked.

Louie's face lit up. "Oh yeah! It's a big hit with the ladies."

"Really? Cool," I laughed. "I tell them I'm Superman's sidekick."

"How does that work for ya?" Louie asked.

"They give me their numbers all the time," I answered. I didn't tell him they wanted me to forward the numbers to Superman. Or that they threatened to beat me to a pulp if I called them.

"Plus, I get to sit in on the meeting of the cosmic beings as long as I keep quiet,"

Louie added.

"Awesome," I replied. "I need some help."

"That's what I'm here for. Hey do you have a brewski? I'm dry," said Louie.

"I tell you what. If you grant me my request, I'll let ya have the six pack of Bud Light in my fridge." I hoped Louie would go for my bargain.

"It's a deal!" answered Louie.

I nearly blurted out my request but decided to whisper it instead so Miry or Ralph couldn't hear.

Note: Miry and Ralph should skip straight to the end of the story. Just pretend it's one of those "Choose Your Own Adventure books and the directions just told you to go straight to the end.

Ahem... back to my story.

I whispered my request to Louie.

"I've never tried it before," said Louie. "But why not?"

"Great! Beam me up, Scotty!"

Louie's smile disappeared. "Ya know, Captain Kirk never really said that. It's a common misconception among non-Trekkers. There was this one episode though where he told Scotty..."

I made a V-shape with my fingers and pointed from my eyes to his. "C'mon, Louie. Focus here."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry. I ramble about Star Trek when I get nervous and you gave me an opening. I honestly don't know how Stanley keeps his cool with all this cosmic hubbub," Louie apologized.

"Wait a minute!" I said. "The Phantom Stranger's real name is Stanley?"

I rolled on the floor laughing.

Louie wrung his hands together. "Uh, no," he stammered. "Of course not. Heh. What kind of name would that be for the Phantom Stranger? Ha-ha! You thought? Oh, that's a good one."

"Then who is Stanley?" I asked.

Louie ran his fingers through what little hair remained on his head. "Stanley? Yes, Stanley. He's... ah... that is to say... He's the landlord on Three's Company. You know, the first one before Barney Fife. What was his name? Uh.... Roper! That's it! Stanley Roper! He was always cool under pressure."

What a relief! Could you imagine the universe facing a cosmic threat and all that stood between it and total annihilation of everything was... Stanley? I shuddered. "I'm ready if you are."

Louie nodded. "Ok. Close your eyes and think about where it is you wish to go and count to three. Then use your power. I'm gonna watch your tube while you're gone if you don't mind. I don't want to miss "That Bronze Age Show" again"

"Not at all," I replied. I was anxious to get underway. I did as I was told and...

***POP***

I stood in the center of a large table. The heroes gathered around it were definitely NOT the Justice League.

"What the..."

"We've been invaded!"

"Avengers Assemble!"

Thor pointed his hammer at me. "I give thee but five breaths to explain thy intrusion, varlet!"

So this was the Avengers mansion? Cool! Now this is how superheroes should live! I never understood why the Justice League always set up shop in some old cave, or a satellite, or on the moon. Give me swimming pools and movie stars any day!

Iron Man stood and pointed his finger accusingly. "There had better be a good reason for this security breach!"

I tried to answer but was awed by the classic Kirby pose he assumed.

"Give him a chance, Tony. We don't know if he's friend or foe," said the gorgeous red-haired creature called the Scarlet Witch. Hubba hubba!

"Nay!" said Thor. "Friends hath not need for such chicanery to confer amongst us!"

"I gotta go with Goldilocks on this one," said Hawkeye. He propped his boots up on the table. His casual appearance was deceiving. At first glance, it seemed he was kicked back and relaxing. I couldn't help but notice how close his new position put him to his bow and quiver behind him.

Wow! The Avengers!

Captain America! Thor! Iron Man! The Scarlet Witch! The Vision! Hawkeye! The Wasp! Giant Man! The Falcon!

"Hey! Take it easy! I'm a friend! I even sent off for my M.M.M.S membership kit when I was in prison, but they wouldn't let me have it because the Incredible Hulk button was considered a sharp object," I pleaded.

"Prison?" asked Iron Man. "I knew it!"

"Many of our number have fought on the wrong side of justice. Including several of us here at this table," answered the Scarlet Witch.

"Yes, but those were simpler times Wanda," said the Wasp.

I didn't realize the Avengers debated potential threats to death. No wonder the annual scraps with Ultron took so many issues to finish. The morality plays had to be debated before they could kick adamantium butt.

"I agree with Wanda," said Captain America, who remained silent up until this point. "Let him speak. Why are you here stranger?"

I was thankful the Avengers followed his lead.

I looked around the table. All eyes were on me, waiting for me to speak. Earth's Mightiest Heroes were waiting for me to speak! This was how it should be. Maybe I could stay in this universe or at least keep enough beer to bribe Louie for a trip every now and then.

"Can I get something to drink?" I asked. "I'm a little dry."

"Careful, Cap. It's a trick!" warned Iron Man.

Captain America activated a control panel at the table and spoke. "Jarvis, please bring a bottled water to the meeting room."

I couldn't believe it! I was going to be served by Jarvis? He was my favorite. "Could you make it tea?"

"Make it tea," said Captain America.

"Nestea," I added. I had to plug this section of the tale somehow.

"Nestea," Cap added tersely. "Care for lemon?"

"No, thanks. Plain will be fine," I answered.

"I'm telling you it's a trick," said Iron Man.

"We're Earth's Mightiest Heroes," said Hawkeye. "We can handle a little tea if things get out of hand."

I turned to him. "Thank you, Hawkeye."

Iron Man took his seat. "I still don't like it."

I glared at him. "What's the matter, Tony? Afraid what a little drink might do?"

His eyes pierced straight through me, but my confidence was bolstered by the fact that I'd read the JLA/Avengers miniseries. I knew our Earth's power levels were higher.

"Just state your business," said Captain America.

"I am Ambush Bug! I have traversed the path between our universes to ask you Avengers one question. Does either of you know the true meaning of Halloween?"

The Avengers were dumbstruck by my question. I bet they never considered the origins of such an important holiday.

"Are you an idiot?" asked Captain America.

Wow! They'd heard of me before. I stuck out my chest. "Yes, I am! And I appeal to you, my fellow idiots to help me."

Thor slammed his fist into the table. "Thou dost owe my noble friends an apology or thou wilst surely taste the wrath of Mjolnir!"

Another Kirby pose and more goosebumps.

Before Thor could move, a window behind the Wasp flew open and the Silver Surfer floated in on his surfboard.

"Cowabunga, dude! It's the Silver Surfer!" I was so excited.

"I apologize Avengers," said the Surfer. "I was warning another solar system of the coming of Galactus when this anomaly slipped into our universe. I will return him to his rightful place."

"I didn't slip," I protested. "I closed my eyes like Louie told me!"

The Silver Surfer groaned and buried his head in his hands. "Louie? I must speak with the Phantom Stranger about this at the next lodge meeting."

"Thank you for removing this man from the mansion," said Captain America.

The Silver Surfer scooped me up on his surfboard and...

Hmmph! It's me again, Ambush Bug. I would tell you how the last vignette ended but Miry and Ralph told me I couldn't use that OTHER company's characters in an FDC story. Long story, short - Gidget's boyfriend, Moondoggie, surfed me home and turned me and Louie over to Stanley... er.. The Phantom Stranger. He scolded us non-stop for about an hour. And I thought Miry and Ralph raked Dave over the coals! Sheesh! You should hear Stanley when he gets to rambling on about the mulitverse, and cosmic balance, and trademark laws, and licensing fees. It's more boring than an episode of Law and Order: Fawcett City!

We'll pick up the story near the end of our scolding.

"Beer, Louie? Do you have any idea how bad the combination of alcohol and near-unlimited power are? Just look at Keith Giffen!" said Stanl... the Phantom Stranger.

"I'm sorry, Cousin," said Louie.

"Am I going to have to start doing these lousy one-shots myself?"

Louie shook his head. "No."

"Good," said the Phantom Stranger before turning to me. "And you! What were you thinking?"

I lowered my head. "I just needed to know the true meaning of Halloween."

"Is that all?" asked the Phantom Stranger. "Let me show you."

The room blurred away and I found myself sitting in a pumpkin patch with Louie, the Phantom Stranger, some round-headed kid with a blanket and an admiring little blonde-haired girl .

"Are you here to see the Great Pumpkin too?" the round-headed kid asked.

"The what?" I asked. I noticed my voice sounded suspiciously like a muted trumpet when I talked.

"The Great Pumpkin. Every year at Halloween, the Great Pumpkin brings toys and candy to all the good boys and girls of the world," explained the round-headed kid.

"And you believe that crap?" I asked.

The little blonde-haired girl glared at me. "If my sweet baboo says it then it's true."

"I am not your sweet baboo!"

I turned to the Phantom Stranger. "I don't understand."

"Just watch."

Just then we heard a buzzing sound high overhead.

"Look sweet baboo! The Great Pumpkin!" said the girl.

"No, it's just Snoopy on his doghouse again," said the boy. "I'm so stupid. There is no Great Pumpkin. It's just another holiday myth designed to generate sales of gaudy costumes and mountains of candy. It's all about marketing and licensing. Some holiday."

I couldn't believe my ears. "No, kid. That ain't right."

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my magic coin. "It's a magic coin. I want to give it to you to remind you that Halloween is about magic and imagination. If you hold onto the coin and look close enough you'll see the sound overhead isn't a dog on his doghouse, but a World War I flying ace and his Sopwith Camel in combat. Here, look!"

The boy took the coin and looked to the sky. "Gee, Mister! You're right! He's fighting the Red Baron as we speak! Thank you, Great Pumpkin. You've saved Halloween!"

"Yay!" cried the little girl. "The Great Pumpkin has made my Sweet Baboo happy!"

The kid threw his blanket over his shoulder and took the girl's hand. "C'mon, Sally. Let's go to the Halloween party."

"Really? Oh, my Sweet Baboo!"

The two kids trotted off holding hands. It seemed the kid with the blanket just needed to see childhood for what it really was and he was ready to take his first step at being a man.

"How did I save Halloween?" I asked.

The Phantom Stranger smiled. "As long as their Halloween special runs there will always be a Halloween."

"Let's go grab a cold one," said Louie.

"Sounds like a good idea, cousin," answered the Phantom Stranger. "Of course mine will be a bottled water. Don't wanna end up like Giffen."

"Ahem." I cleared my throat.

Louie looked to his cousin and pointed to me.

"Sure," said Stanley. "Why not? After all, he saved Halloween."

And that dear reader is how I saved Halloween.

Signed,

Ambush Bug

Happy Halloween to all,

David Marshall

With apologies to...
Well everybody that made it this far.