Faux DC Presents:

in "Kryptonite is a Girl's Worst Friend"
Written by Dale Glaser

From the Isolation Diary of Lois Lane

Dear Diary,

Day 1 of our confinement, which hopefully will be brief. Oh how I wish that I had never found that ancient Kryptonian Gargantua-gobbler wishbone! When Perry asked me to fly to Guatemala and meet with world-renowned archeologist Professor Herodotus Jenkins, I thought it would be just another story for the science pages. But Professor Jenkins specializes in digging up the bones of alien creatures that visited Earth during the stone ages, and found something he thought was from Krypton’s past! And once I saw that giant partial space-bird skeleton, I knew he was right.

I was only following a harmless train of thought while resting my hand on the Gargantua-gobbler's wishbone, but I suppose my exact thoughts were “I wish Lana Lang were repulsive to Superman!” when the brittle old space-bird bone snapped in half! I never would have damaged the archeological specimen on purpose. Especially if I had had any way of knowing that, halfway around the world at the exact same moment, Lana Lang herself had stumbled across some kind of Shooting Star Generator from the future and was thinking “I wish Lois Lane were repulsive to Superman!” It must have been the force of two equal and opposite wishes that sealed our fates. The next thing I knew, I was green and glowing because I had been turned into living kryptonite! Lana Lang was glowing red herself as she had been turned into living red kryptonite, but I wouldn’t find that out until we both arrived here.

We quickly realized that it would be dangerous for either of us to walk around as kryptonite ladies, because if an emergency were to happen - and it really is amazing how many emergencies happen around either Lana or me - Superman would be exposed to kryptonite when he showed up to save the day! So we put on some lead-lined body suits that the army provided, and then Superman showed up to collect us and fly us somewhere safe. I try to tell myself it's not an imprisonment, but that's what it feels like!

I wish I could take it all back! I wish that silly old Kryptonian Gargantua-gobbler had never space-migrated to Huehuetenango! It also really is amazing how many different things from Krypton have ended up on Earth, though of course most of them are nothing but trouble.

Except for Superman! I know in my heart that Superman will find a way to cure me (and Lana Lang, I suppose) and maybe in the process he will realize that we were meant to be husband and wife!

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Day 8

Dear Diary,

It’s been over a week and Lana Lang and I are still confined here. I still have no idea exactly where “here” is. Superman told us that when he learned about our unfortunate condition he quickly built a deluxe apartment with thick lead shielding. He also built it in a remote and isolated place as an extra security measure, and told no one where it was – not even me or Lana!

The lead linings are deep in the walls and the décor is actually quite modern. Superman has such a good eye for design! Someday when he and I are married of course I’ll have my own suggestions for the look of our home. I won’t want it to look anything like this apartment because I won’t want to be reminded of the terrible experience of being sequestered away like this. But out of necessity, to keep Superman safe, I will make the best of it. Until he cures us, of course!

The apartment is so up-to-date, it has a clothes washing machine AND a dish washing machine! Superman comes by once a day to bring us fresh food, which he leaves in a foyer that Lana and I aren’t allowed to enter until after he leaves. And he leaves us notes to let us know that he is working on the cure. I’m sure it won’t be long now!

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Day 19

Dear Diary,

I am so angry with that Lana Lang right now! She actually tried to tell me that this whole experience is worse for her than it is for me. She claimed that because the red kryptonite radiation she is giving off would only have some weird effect on Superman, and not kill him, that there was really not as much reason for her to be locked away in a lead vault as for me, since I have become deadly to him. She insisted that Superman only put her here to keep me company, because he felt sorry for me. I think she even implied that when Superman finally cures us, he might want to be with Lana rather than me! The nerve of that woman!

First of all, if the red kryptonite rays were to turn Superman into a Super-Frightened-Elephant or a Super-Mud-Monster or any other weirdness, he might inadvertently hurt people. A world without a Superman, if he were to die from green kryptonite poisoning, would be too horrible to contemplate, but a world where Superman had harmed innocent people because of red kryptonite would be even worse! And second of all, Superman loves me! Even if he doesn’t say so or even realize it yet. He loves me! He most certainly does not love Lana Lang.

Luckily Lana and I have separate bedrooms here in the apartment. I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining, dear diary, but Superman can’t come up with the cure fast enough!

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Day 41

Dear Diary,

Sometimes Superman brings presents for me (and, for some reason, for Lana Lang as well) in addition to our food supplies: makeup and new dresses and shoes and things that ladies like. But today he brought us a new roommate.

We heard his voice through the apartment intercom and he told us to go to our rooms and close the lead-lined doors so that he could move through the apartment at superspeed. He spent about five minutes remodeling the bathroom and then left. Lana and I came out of our rooms and found a large tank of seawater installed next to the shower, and inside it was the mermaid Lori Lemaris. Superman also left a note for us beside her tank.

Apparently Lori Lemaris had been transformed into white kryptonite by a freak chemical spill in the ocean during a meteor shower and lightning storm. And although white kryptonite isn’t harmful to Superman himself, it kills all Earth plantlife exposed to its radiation. Since a massive die-off of undersea plants could have awful effects for the entire food chain, Superman felt it was for the best to keep Lori Lemaris somewhat isolated, and since he already had a lead-lined apartment built and ready, he brought her here.

Unfortunately there was nothing in the note about Superman’s progress on a cure for any of us. I know he’s busy protecting the entire world and I know it will take time, but I have to admit I am the teensiest bit tired of waiting. I sometimes think I miss the freedom to come and go as I please even more than I miss Superman! But don’t tell him I said that.

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Day 68

Dear Diary,

I think that Lori Lemaris is starting to have a strange effect on Lana Lang. Of course there’s no accounting for the way that mermaids live, and I suppose it is kind of like she spends all her time in the bath, but it is still a little disconcerting sometimes to walk into the bathroom and see Lori Lemaris floating there, not wearing any clothing, her bosoms floating for all to see. The fact that she’s made of white kryptonite now makes her look somewhat like a classical statue, and I suppose those can be topless too, but honestly, it's indecent!

And today Lana announced that she was going to stop wearing clothing, too! She said that she didn’t see the point since there’s never anyone here except us girls. Even Superman never sees us when he drops off supplies. So right now Lana is wandering the apartment in the buff, and I am concentrating on you, diary, so that I don’t catch a glimpse of her bare red kryptonite bottom!

Honestly! I admit, a few weeks ago I grew tired of my pencil skirts and blouses and I stayed in my pajamas more and more of each day, but we never know when Superman will arrive with the cure! I certainly don’t want to be in my birthday suit when he does. That's a sight he won't see until our wedding night! I want to be the first one cured and the first one to be held in his arms again. Serves Lana Lang right if she’s rushing to find a decent outfit while I’m being reunited with my Superman!

P.S. Lana just said she was going to ask Superman to stop bringing her new clothes and bring cigarettes instead. I don’t even know what to think about that.

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Day 105

Diary, I always thought I was good with words, but I don't even know how to express how I feel today. Maybe I should start with what happened a couple of days ago.

Once again Superman's voice came on the intercom and told us to go to our rooms. It turned out he was building an addition on to the apartment for another resident, because when he told us he was leaving and it was clear to come out, we found a Bizarro Lois Lane standing on the sofa. Usually Bizarros are pale as chalk, but this one was glowing blue.

Superman had left another note, of course, explaining that the Bizarro Lois had been transmuted into blue kryptonite in some kind of accident involving Lex Luthor's imperfect duplicating ray, a medical experiment on Titano the super-ape's blood, a hyper-radioactive isotope of uncannium, a full moon, and - of course! - Jimmy Olsen. And since Superman is dedicated to preserving all life, even Bizarros, and he doesn't trust Bizarro Lois to stay away from Bizarro #1, he brought her here.

Well, I can see that living with a Bizarro is going to be no picnic. She never seems to sleep, thinks out loud at the top of her lungs, and manages to break or ruin everything she touches. Yesterday she took a taffeta gown that Superman had given me and used it as a gravy strainer. Of course she couldn't have taken one of Lana Lang the hippie nudist's dresses, oh no.

But what I never thought I would say, but can no longer deny, Diary, is that ... is that ... I am miffed at Superman. For bringing a Bizarro Lois here, for not devising a cure yet, for gallivanting about having adventures with Jimmy Olsen while the love of his life waits and waits. Oh, Diary, do you think this spells trouble for the day when I become Superman's wife? Can our marriage be as wonderful as I've always envisioned it when I've already experienced such resentment for Superman? I hope so!

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Day 139

I noticed this week - I think it was this week, but the time does blur in here - that Superman has been bringing the same food supplies over and over again for the past several days. He used to put a lot of obvious thought and care into picking out special delicacies for every day, but lately it's been the basics. And I don't remember the last time he brought an actual gift for any of us.

I would say that I'm worried he's forgetting about how special our relationship can be ... but I'm not worried. I mean, maybe he is forgetting. But it doesn't make me feel worried. It doesn't make me feel much of anything.

I wonder if Lana has any more cigarettes?

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Day 152

I've decided I'll never go nude like Lana but I've given up my stylish pajama outfits and I'm now just wearing the same old housecoat every day. Obviously nobody here cares what I wear. I'm not smoking as much as Lana either but she shares whenever I ask, which is decent of her. More decent than a certain so-called-super jerk I could mention, who hasn't so much as left us a note in almost two weeks. I used to wonder when we would get married - ha! - now I wonder when we'll ever just be able to get out of this sad little prison apartment.

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Day 173

Found a white brick floating in the kitchen sink today. Not sure where it came from or why it was there. Also not sure if I care.

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Day 174

On my way into the bathroom this morning I bumped into Bizarro Lois coming out. Then I saw a dirty plate and dirty coffee cup in the toilet. Suddenly realized what the white brick in the sink yesterday must have been. Went back to bed.

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Day 198

Can't see the point in ever getting out of bed, dressing myself, eating, any of it. Hate it here. Hate why I'm here. Hate everything.

Lana tried to cheer me up, said she has a plan. We'll see.

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Day 200

Dear Diary,

What fun today was! I should have trusted Lana all along.

Superman's voice came on the intercom again today and told us to go to our rooms. I used to imagine that same voice telling a Superman, Jr. to go to his room if he'd sassed back or some other minor infraction. Now it simply sounds like pure, putrid awfulness.

Superman then came into the apartment. He actually believed that we would still jump and scurry like obedient little dolls after almost seven months of this. But instead he found us waiting just inside the door - me, Lana, Lori, even Bizarro Lois. Oh, you should have seen the look on his face! Or should I say looks? Partly he was horrified because none of us was wearing a stitch of clothing. I thought he was going to die of embarrassment; he didn't know where to look to avoid seeing any of our naughty lady parts. Another part of his look was a combination of fear and nausea as he felt the effects of green and red kryptonite. In a couple of seconds he had fallen on the floor and was gasping weakly for breath, which was made even harder by the fact that he now had a bulbous red nose, matching his rainbow-colored hair and pear-shaped hips and giant feet and other clowny features.

Of course once again there was a girl with him in a lead-lined suit, and we could see through her face window that she was glowing like gold kryptonite. We didn't want to take away Superman's powers forever, just fool with him a little, so we left the girl in her suit and asked her to give us a few minutes.

Five minutes later we had gotten Superman out of his costume - another deathly embarrassing moment for him, and let me tell you, Diary, I now know another area where he's so-called super but only so-so - and dressed him in one of the prettiest, frilliest, laciest gowns I owned. We also thoroughly sprayed him with and entire bottle of Bizarro Lois's perfume, which of course smells like rotten fish. Then we left him lying on the floor and walked out the front door of the apartment. Of course we took Superman's costume with us, and when the kryptonite radiation wears off he'll still be a stinky oaf in a pink dress.

The girl who would have been our new roommate was Lyla Lerrol, and it doesn't matter how she became living gold kryptonite, it only matters that she was horrified to hear what we had been going through and happily joined the Kryptonite Ladies Auxillary. Now we roam wherever we want and do as we please - buy our own gifts! eat wherever we want! smoke like kryptonite chimneys! - and there's certainly nothing Superman can do about it! Life is beautiful - especially life without Superman!

THE END...? (No, really, don't worry, this is the end.) (Or is it ...?!?!?) (It totally is.)