It was dark. Really, really dark. I mean it, it was, like, major power blackout with no moon kinda dark. Darker than the dark in Adventure Comics. Wow, was it ever dark. Hal Jordan, alias the Silver Age Green Lantern, alias Parallax, alias the Spectre, was using his powers of overloaded character plots to terrify a poor junkie in an even darker (if that is possible) alleyway. "You poor junkie," Jordan said, "you wouldn't be in this dark, dark mess if, back when I was Parallax, I had remade the universe." "You - you used to be a pair of slacks?" The poor junkie stammered. "No, no, you poor junkie. I used to be a Green Lantern, then they decided I needed to go nuts to restart the continuity, so they gave me a new name, Parrallax - complete with Registration Trademark (R). That sparked such an outcry, they decided to have me replace one of the founding characters of their comics universe in an even lamer attempt to bring me back. They've made me the HANK freakin' PYM of the DC universe, for crying out loud!" "They?" the poor junkie said. Just then, a stray white dog appeared behind Hal Jordan, opened it's mouth extraordinarily wide and swallowed Hal Jordan in one gulp. The dog then casually walked away. Passing a chinese restaurant, the dog was captured by the cook and busboy, who killed it, chopped it in tiny bits and mixed it in with an already-processed chicken as part of its "Daily Lunch Special." This lunch special was served to and eaten by eighty year-old Ma Hunkle, the Golden Age Red Tornado. After two or three really large burps, she noticed she was feeling "kinda different." |
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Invasion
of the Armageddon Crisis
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The Justice League was hanging out on their satellite - I mean, "Moon Base." Let's see: Flash and Green Lantern were arguing, Superman was doing something heroic, Batman was up to something mysterious, Plastic Man was doing something funny, Wonder Woman was.. ..before this trademark JLA introduction could be completed, a sizzling divine cosmic lightning bolt loaded with entropy and whatever the heck "Chronal Energy" is blew up the moon base and killed everyone inside. Yes, including Superman and Batman. J'onn J'onzz lived about 2 seconds longer than the rest, but then his overloaded "martian-yet-not martian -oh, he's a martian" character self died, too. ....................... The Titans, all 972.3 on-again, off-again members, were hanging out at Titans Tower. Blammo, same lightning bolt deal as the JLA sattellite (I mean, moon base). No survivors, not even Wonder Girl - I mean, Darkstar, no, wait, I mean Troia. ........................ Lightning bolts started taking out every super group DC has ever published, and then skipped comic universes and took out the X-Men, just for kicks, before jumping back to the DC universe and taking out all 7,037 versions of Hawkman and all the lame "Hawk Avatars." "Hawk Avatars," the mysterious (well, not really) source of the powerful lightning bolts said to herself, chuckling. "Now THAT's lame." Then, the Red Tornado (well, so much for mystery) jumped to the future and sizzled all 342 versions of the Legion of Super Heroes, including the ones with stupid names like L.E.G.I.O.N., R.E.B.E.L.S., and I.N.I.T.I.A.L.S. .......................... Her work completed in the future, the Red Tornado returned to the present and looked across the sea. She launced a single, little lightning bolt which found Aquaman. As it struck, Aquaman was surprised to find that he had NOT been killed. In fact, he felt better than he had in years, was returned to his orange and green uniform, and was the recipient of a merciful shave and a haircut. Plus, he had two hands again! Happy, he swam away to patch things up with the wife and get back to being the King of the Seven Seas instead of living like a moody, grunge-inspired pity party with water wings. ........................... The Red Tornado then dispatched lightning bolts to eliminate every super-villian. One bolt for each villian, two bolts for every villian created by Roy Thomas, and three for any created since Crisis on Infinite Earths. They all bought the farm, including members of the Suicide Squad, even though they thought they weren't villians anymore - or were they? Well, they were dead now, so it didn't make any difference. Another bolt blasted Neil Gaiman's Sandman to smithereens, allowing his name to be reclaimed by Wesley Dodds. Which didn't matter, since Wesley had already been killed by his comics company, DC. "But hey, it's the thought that counts," Red Tornado thought. One bolt struck the ground, and brought Jared Stevens, the new "Fate," character back to life. Just as he opened his eyes, another bolt fell and blasted him back to ashes. (This cycle repeated for about 45 minutes, but when it was all said and done, he was ashes.) And we could end the story right there, with Jered Stevens. Personally, this would be satisfying enough for most readers, but no, our story doesn't end just yet. There was one last BIG fish to fry. Red Tornado looked into the sky and said "I think I'll pay a visit to the offices of DC Comics." .................................. "Starbucks got the order wrong again," Bob the intern said as he walked in the door to his workplace, the offices of DC Comics. The writers and artists groaned. This new kid was absolutely worthless for fetching coffee. If his father wasn't a Time Warner stockholder with a lot of pull, he'd be lucky to empty the trash baskets here. Before anyone could complain, however, the glass windows of the offices shattered like any hopes to make Martian Manhunter a top seller. "Hiya, guys" the Red Tornado said, flying in through one of the now-empty frames. "Take me to your leader, or I'll alter your realities so bad even John Byrne won't want to fix 'em!" Terrified, the staff pointed the way down the hall to a large oak door with a "private" sign on it. "Thankee Kindly," Red Tornado said, and blasted the closed door off it's hinges. A large Man in a business suit stood up behind his desk. "Have a seat, Miss Hunkle," he said, gesturing to a chair. "You know my real name?" Red Tornado said, somewhat shocked. "Of course I do. Let's talk, shall we? What exactly seems to be the problem?" The Man asked. "It - it's the whole dang-blasted universe." Red Tornado said. "You guys have got it so screwed up, that every time you try to fix it, it just gets even MORE screwed up. I don't even know what is true anymore, you guys change the truth so much." "I'm afraid I don't follow," The Man said. "Well, take Dr. Fate, for example. Back in my day, he was a nice guy named Kent Nelson. Then, somewhere in the 1980s, he became both Kent AND Inza Nelson. Then, he was a couple of kids. Then, a few years ago, he was this loser named Jared. Now, he's Hawkman's kid, but not really, since Hawkman isn't himself anymore, and the kid, he used to be the Silver Scarab, or the Sandman, maybe." Red Tornado said. "Ah, I see," The Man said "you disapprove of how the Dr. Fate character is being handled." "Yeah!" Red Tornado said, "Not to mention Hawkman, Hal Jordan, and a bunch of others! Criminey, you broke the Batman's back a few years ago, just after killing Superman! You people are insane!" "But we made a lot of money off those books, Miss Hunkle" The Man said, and that's what we are in business for, after all. As a matter of fact, for someone of your girth, you haven't exactly been pulling your weight around here." The Man leaned over to his intercom system on his desk and said "Bernice, have that new intern kid come in, please." "Right away, sir," the intercom responded. "You see, Miss Hunkle, I think it's about time we started revisiting your character," The Man said. "You are obviously capable of loads of entertaining damage given the right powers, and someone of your imposing...presence...could be quite a seller for Time Warner - I mean, DC Comics. Ah, here's Ben now!" "That's Bob, sir." Bob the intern said. "Whatever. Ben, meet your new assignment for DC Comics - the golden age Red Tornado, Miss Hunkle. Ben, what can we do to sell comics based on this character?" The Man asked. "Hey, waitaminit - what -" The Red Tornado stammered. "Well, we could have her get in an accident and give her some bionic limbs or something, kinda like Aquaman." Ben - I mean, Bob said. "I like it!" The Man said. ....................................... Bob and The Man talked it over for about ten minutes. The idea was then focus grouped, and editorial insight was given by other members of the DC staff. The next month, announcements of a new comic hit the DC Newsflash: "Red Tornah-do" The Russian-Hispanic Cyber Hero with a Hook for a Foot, protecting the environment with her amazing psychic powers gained from absorbing the powers of the golden age boots of Doctor Fate! She's a lean, mean, mixmaster of a machine with enchanted footwear ( make that feet-wear!) ....................................... (Oh, and all the dead heroes were brought back to life in a two-issue crossover title that restarted the universe for the fourth time that year, killing lots of good heroes and making wimpy villians seem powerful.) The End. |
Faux
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